Self-acceptance and confidence are a dynamite combination for any adult and any child to possess. Australian educator, Giulio Bortolozzo, shows how to use rational principles to earn this result.
The
rhyme, Little Jack Horner, carries a conditional-worth message: Your
worth depends on what you do. For those who don’t remember, here’s the rhyme:
Little
Jack Horner, sat in the corner, eating a Christmas pie. He put in his thumb,
and pulled out a plum, and said 'What a good boy am I!
Is it
possible that Jack was a good boy because he pulled out a plum from the
Christmas pie? What if he messed up and missed the plumb? Would this make him a
bad person? This illustrates the problem with conditional-worth thinking.
It is
often self-defeating to rate your worth according to how well (or badly) you
perform at certain tasks. If you discover the plumb, that is great. If not, too
bad.
Rational
emotive behavior therapy (REBT) teaches
that doing and being are different ideas. Consider the following rework of this
popular children’s rhyme.
Little
Jack Horner sat in the corner reflecting on the day. I succeeded once. I mucked
up twice. But, I am always OK!
Young
people can benefit greatly by understanding and developing
unconditional self-acceptance (USA). You will not always like the results
of your actions. Nevertheless, you can still accept yourself as worthwhile
despite your foibles, faults, and mistakes. You also need not falsely elevate
yourself if you have a great day. That too, is a conditional-worth issue.
A
self-accepting child will normally appreciate that some failure is inevitable
but will not take it too seriously when it occurs i.e. “I am not a failure for
failing at X.” This type of believing is a formula for resilience. It correlates with a
self-efficacy belief: “I can organize, coordinate, and execute actions to reach
worthy goals.”
Self-efficacy correlates with higher school grades.
You may
be thinking, “What can I do as an educator or parent to promote a habit of believing
in yourself?” Before I get into that, I’d like to take you on a quick tour of
how to apply USA to yourself.
The
Rational Teacher
Albert
Ellis, the founder of REBT, was renowned for creating rational songs for
audiences to sing, for his brand of humor, and for his colorful phrases.
Ellis would often use these techniques to help people debunk negative
self-views that are based on conditional self-acceptance (CSA).
Here is
an adult CSA example: “I am a turd for acting turdily, as I must not do. And
I'll always be this way, and I'll never succeed" (Albert Ellis). Think
this way, and you are likely to risk self-loathing when you don’t do as you
believe you should do.
Ellis
used earthy language to demonstrate unconditional self-acceptance (USA). For
example, I can hear him say, “If they don’t like how I express myself, too damn
bad! I accept myself anyway”. His point: “I don’t need your approval to accept
myself. But I recognize that approval is preferable.”
Ellis
ably separated performance from worth. You may have acted turdily in a
particular instance. You can pay a price in the form of lost advantages or
social penalties. But, is this the totality of you?
How do
you determine the global worth of a person? Admittedly, this is by definition.
Ellis’
position is that we are worthwhile because we exist and how well or badly we do
or how others view us cannot change that. If you don’t like that static
definition, here is a process definition: You have thousands of past and
ongoing actions that you can classify into different categories. Many of these
are objectively positive. Bottom line: a changing human can’t logically be
pigeonholed in a static category.
If you
thought Ellis’ earthy phrases were funny, you’d laugh. If you were horrified, you’d
cringe. If someone cringed and reported feeling offended by his colorful
language, Ellis might use this occasion to demonstrate his ABC approach. He
would point out that his expletives (Activating event) don’t cause
distress. What the listener Believes about the words brings about an
emotional-behavioral Consequence.
Teaching
Children Self-Acceptance Skills
Children
are better prepared to deal with adversity, failure, and rejection by knowing
their worth is not tethered to how others view them or how well or badly they
do. However, if someone else acts poorly, the concept of acceptance still
applies.
Ellis
describes this as unconditional other-acceptance (UOA). This is how the philosophy works: A child
believes that a teacher “…made me angry and that’s why I left the classroom.
She is bad!”
The
following rework of the Little Jack Horner rhyme illustrates UOA:
Little
Jack Horner sat in the corner resting reflectively. He thought, “Is my teacher
a turd?” “No that’s absurd! She just acted turdily!” (You can substitute other
words for turd).
A teacher
(or parent, or neighbor, or friend) isn’t bad though she or he may have behaved
badly.
Acceptance
doesn’t mean that anything goes. Rob a bank. Tell a judge you are more than
your acts. You are still going to jail. A school bully acts badly. You don’t like it.
If the bully runs for class president, you can vote for someone else.
As an
educational experiment, ask your child to compare this UOA Little Jack
Horner rhyme with the self-acceptance and original conditional-worth
versions. A child’s answer(s) can start a useful dialogue.
Practical
Tips
Without
instruction in psychological mental health skills, the educative process
may look like an empty space of broken student desks and chairs. Helping
children build self-acceptance skills can help turn classrooms into centers for
teaching and learning what Socrates called the ultimate virtue: self-knowledge.
Here are
some REBT tips to help children build these acceptance skills:
Practice
behavior specific feedback e.g.
"You
did that well/badly" rather than person specific, "You are
naughty, lazy."’ This teaches USA.
Encourage
children to try new things and take prudent risks.
Practice
your own USA (model how accepting you are of
yourself).
For example, say aloud:
(1)
“I didn’t do that well but I’m still OK.”
(2)
“I made a mistake, but that doesn’t make me dumb.”
(3)
“I have made mistakes but I’m not one.”
Teach
your children that needless anger is made by irrational habits of
thinking i.e. teachers or parents don’t make you mad by correcting you. That's
something you bring on yourself.
This is an Albert Ellis Tribute Series Blog.
