When I
think about this Albert Ellis quote I
think of how I have at times been ‘shackled’ to the belief that somehow the
Universe is looking out for me and that it should give me what I want; what I
believe I need. Such an arrogant position assumes that I’m so important that
the universe should always meet my wants and needs; to take care of me and
always give me what I must have. I can hear Dr. Ellis say:
‘Well
good luck with that horseshit. Let me know how it works out!’
Eleanor Roosevelt
said:
‘You
probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how
seldom they do.’
Again why
should other people regard us as we believe we should be regarded; that they
meet our need to be noticed and acknowledged, liked or loved?
Dr. Ellis said that we can elect to healthily prefer that significant others esteem us and look upon us favourably, which is a rational perspective according to REBT. In doing so, we acknowledge that there will be those who won’t and we can choose to learn to accept this reality unconditionally. This sensible, self-helpful view, reminds us that the universe will not always deliver to us what we absolutely demand it should, but if we accept that, we will feel better about things, especially when they don’t go our way.
Conversely, to over rely on the approval of significant others to believe we are worthwhile, is taking us into the realms of irrationality or as Dr. Ellis would say, ‘love slobbism!’ This is where our
attitude of preferences, transform into ‘must’ thinking; we
must get what we believe we must have! Dr. Ellis
determined that one who has forged such habits of thinking and believing has
developed the debilitating condition of ‘musturbation;’ the
tendency to elevate our preferences, wants and desires to ‘must, ought and should’ status!’ What did Karen Horney say?
'Beware the
'tyranny of the should'!
Dr. Ellis
also reminds us that whenever we begin to think that someone or something is ‘making’ us angry or sad we are thinking irrationally,
as it is our own unrealistic ‘musturbatory’
expectations of life and others that are driving our emotional unease. Do we
prefer things to be as we would like them to be or must we get what we must
have and is it a catastrophe when we don’t?!
'When people
change their irrational beliefs to undogmatic flexible preferences, they become
less disturbed.' Albert Ellis
Christopher Hitchens the late renowned author, essayist
and sceptic, debated many an opponent, who claimed that his views were
offensive and that their feelings were somehow hurt by the points he made in
argument against them. His adversaries, in making such a claim, would be met by
the classic Hitchens retort:
‘What’s
your point? So your feelings are hurt, so what! How does this constitute an
argument!’
He would
have agreed with Dr. Ellis that people make the intensity of the emotions they
feel by the way they might perceive or assess a situation. They hurt their own
feelings! As Epictetus said all
those years ago:
'People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.'
What might
have Mr. Hitchens’ ‘musturbating’ rivals been
thinking? Ellis would say:
‘They were rubbing themselves the wrong way!’
The big bang set the evolution of the Universe and life as we know it in train, and as it expanded chance would have it that a convergence of molecules, carbon atoms and other elements gave rise, in time, to the phenomenon known as Dr. Albert Ellis. How serendipitous! Maybe the World does give a shit after all!
