Breaking Approval Dependence (BAD)

 

Written by a past member of Approvalists Anonymous (AA), a support group for those who are at risk of becoming ‘love slobs.’ An REBT perspective (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) on this debilitating psychological impediment to happiness and success.

‘I need to be needed. (Oh no you don’t!)’

‘It’s been two weeks since I sat and stewed about how an insignificant other esteems me,’ proclaimed the primary school teacher to the others in the group. Everyone nodded their approval of the reforming approvalist before them, and their fortitude grew as the teacher expounded their newfound belief; ‘what I think of me is more important than how you might assess my personhood.’ ‘Bravo!’ They exclaimed in unison as the AA member added, ‘what you think of me is none of my business!’ As the AA member emerged from the meeting into the cool autumn night, they thought to, ‘I approve of me, and I’m OK no matter what!’

To break a habit of a lifetime is no easy task. There are a few steps to Breaking Approval Dependence (BAD) and it takes considerable focus and energy to move into the zone of unconditional self-acceptance, where you will be inclined to automatically respond to criticism in a healthy and rational way so that your new and rational sense of who you are stays intact. It is essentially a question of finding out why you feel extra sensitive to criticism; what irrational, nonsensical habits of thinking have you constructed over time? Can you challenge their veracity with the clarity of reason and fact, and not indulge in fanciful notions and imagined, pie in the sky concocted ideas?

‘If you have constructed irrational ideas about yourself, you can deconstruct them!’

Our teacher friend discovered that whilst they might prefer the approval of others, they didn’t need it to consider themselves worthwhile. They understood that this was a belief constructed over time, a thinking rule that was fed by those closest to them. They learned to depend on the approval of those who pinned labels of good, bad, clever, dumb on them, words that could define their worth as human beings.

‘I must not fail, or I’ll let my parents down. They will be disappointed.’

Once they understood that words, positive or otherwise, couldn’t define them and they accepted this to be true, they then began to feel better about situations that might challenge their sense of self. And of course, there was the homework. How else can you deconstruct and replace bullshit ideas about yourself without constant vigilance and introspection? Our teacher made time each day to reflect on the day, mindfully reviewing happenings and their emotional and behavioural response to them. Were they measured? Did they reflect their new ideas about their ‘self?’ Or did they react in a more neurotic manner? Do they remind themselves each day that they are not the opinion of others, and they are not their failings nor are they, their triumphs?

‘Irrational ideas can breech our psychological defences if we are not vigilant.’

The reforming AA teacher understood the power of confidence and self-belief. Each day started with a simple affirmation that no matter what happened, no matter how their foundation belief of unconditional self-acceptance was challenged, they would remain firm in this belief.

‘I’m OK even if others think otherwise.’

This simple statement of self-worth would become in time, an unbreakable and unbreachable belief that would help them forge ahead in their personal and professional world. But there was other work to be done.

The teacher thought, ‘if I’m OK no matter what, and people’s opinion of me, good or bad cannot define me then I want to prove this to be true. I want to put myself in a situation of great discomfort, to challenge myself doing what, until this point, I would always avoid doing.’

‘What risks will I take. How will I walk my talk?’

The teacher liked maths and had some teaching ideas about engaging students, especially those who would recoil at the thought of studying something that they had decided they were no good at. Rather than engage in self-talk that would diminish the teacher’s capacity to successfully present useful ideas to peers in a confident manner the teacher would quietly say:

‘I can do this, and I have the information and the capacity to relate my ideas to others successfully.’

The teacher competently conveyed how maths could be taught in such a way that students of all ages could engage with it. The feedback was positive, and it was particularly pleasing that teachers would adopt the ideas their colleague presented to them, and they would report how successful and effective they were in stimulating student interest and improving maths competency.

‘The teacher continued to seek ways in which their confidence could be tested, professionally and personally.’

One day the teacher stopped for a moment, just after presenting a kickarse workshop on constructivist theory and early childhood acquisition of academic confidence, to reflect on how far they had travelled. The teacher thought, ‘I’ve taken a few risks over the past couple of terms, and I’ve done well in some challenges and not so in others. BUT I am not too scared to try, to put myself at risk. And you know what? I don’t question my worth based on how others might view me or how well or badly I do at stuff. I judge my actions but not myself.’

Unfortunately, the teacher still operated in an environment where ‘who you are’ and not how competent you might be, determined a person’s prospects of promotion, their worth to the organisation.

‘I don’t need their approval (though I may desire it) to know I’m a worthwhile person and teacher.’

The teacher continued to develop confidence and capacity to teach and to professionally develop others. A new job opportunity eventually enticed the teacher away to another position that was better paid; where competency, knowledge and integrity were valued over sycophancy and mediocrity.

On the teachers last AA meeting, group members stood and applauded the teacher who again declared to all that:

‘I have reached a point where I automatically think in positive, rational ways that help me deal with challenges successfully. I can deal with disappointment and criticism in a much healthier way. I am no longer at the mercy of others approval. I approve of myself.’

NB ‘Love slob’ is a term coined by the creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, Dr. Albert Ellis. Approvalists Anonymous is a made-up term and doesn’t exist.

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor in the public school system and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education.

 

 

 

Breaking Approval Dependence (BAD)

Approval addict, empath, love slob, approvalist, co dependent, need junkie are terms that come to mind to describe those who suffer from conditional self-acceptance (CSA). Dr. Albert Ellis’ REBT explains that when an individual has a compulsive need to secure another’s approval it is self defeating. The antidote is unconditional self-acceptance (USA).

USA - the belief that self worth is not diminished by failure or rejection i.e. I have failed= I am not a failure. I have been rejected = I am not a reject (I am always worthwhile).

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’d like you to like me
But I don’t need you to!

CSA- the belief that self worth is diminished by failure and rejection i.e. I have failed = I am a failure. I have been rejected = I am a reject (I’m worthwhile if you think I am).

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Please like me
As I need you to!

Where do we start to help the person who needs to be needed, who absolutely must have the approval of significant others? If she seeks help this would be a useful place to start. She may be aware that she has a help compulsion that is both self defeating and also not helpful to others (deny them opportunities to do for themselves for instance). She may say that she feels anxious a lot of the time and is obsessive about doing excellent work and helping others too readily, even when there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to fit everything in. You may ask what is wrong with wanting to do excellent work? Nothing at all if you don’t damn yourself when things don’t turn out as you believe they must! The perfectionist believes failing to do things perfectly equates to being a failure, being imperfect and that’s terrible! She may say she feels angry when others don’t acknowledge her appropriately as she believes they should. She may also comment on others who may not do things properly or who aren’t capable enough and who therefore need to be rescued. Who else can do things better and is more capable of doing the job? She is of course.

She may relate that in childhood she never seemed to do the right thing and was never good enough. Her dad would say that she was hopeless and her siblings were favoured over her (her sister was better, prettier). She tried so hard to get the approval of her dad but she never seemed to measure up. (I must try harder! I’m such a failure!) She learned that she was not worth much if her dad didn’t think she was. She believed if her dad didn’t approve of her then she was unworthy and worthless. She had developed Sustained Habits of Inflexible Thinking Syndrome and one such habit was to believe that her worth absolutely depended on the approval of significant others. More flexible and realistic thinking can accommodate her very human tendency to make mistakes and to deal with rejection in a healthy way such as believing that her worth is not given to her or taken away by others. She can work on Flexible and Realistic Thinking Skills.

Counselling scenario excerpt.

Cl = client Cr=counsellor

Cl: My colleague makes me so angry. He doesn’t show me any gratitude for what I do.

Cr: You say your colleague makes you angry and that he doesn’t appreciate your work.

Cl: Exactly. I only want to make things easier. I am just helping. He should be more gracious.

Cr: So your colleague is making you angry because he doesn’t show you his appreciation as you think he should?

Cl: He is so unprofessional and disrespectful.

Cr: Can you give me an example of something you have done for him?

Cl: I organised a meeting for clients and made sure that refreshments were available. I prepared a program and everything!

Cr: Was he not happy with what he asked you to do?

Cl: He didn’t ask me. That’s the point. I did it so that he wouldn’t have to do it. He’s so ungrateful.

Cr: So what would make things better for you? What would help you feel better?

Cl: He should acknowledge my efforts and appreciate the things I do. I am so unappreciated and it’s not fair!

Albert Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance explains that behavioural and emotional disturbance (C) is generated by the bullshit we tell ourselves (B) not because of the activating event i.e. what happens (A). The client above is clearly blaming her feelings and actions on A, the unfair colleague who doesn’t appreciate her. You can hear the blame in statements like: ‘He makes me so angry.’ How does he make her angry? Is she not in some way responsible? It would be very unfortunate if others always determined how she felt and behaved. Do others control her? Clearly she is not taking responsibility for her actions and emotions. So what is making these feelings of anger and depression? Is her colleague the culprit? Is he to blame?

Ellis’ ABC model incorporated B, the beliefs we hold to be true. Our client above has constructed a set of rules for life (B) and the question is what are they? Are they helpful?

The excerpt above contains key words that tell us what our clients’ rules are. You may have noticed some ‘shoulds’ dispersed throughout the dialogue.

‘He should be more gracious.’

‘He should acknowledge my efforts and appreciate the things I do.’

This kind of thinking is irrational in the sense that no matter how much you demand something the reality is you may never get what you want. What’s the use of demanding what you can’t have? Now you can healthily prefer that your colleague gives you his approval but that is different to demanding it. Her rule is:

‘People I respect absolutely should treat me well.’

You may also have noticed that our client is damning her colleague in absolute global rating terms like:

‘He is so unprofessional and disrespectful.’

His actions may be deemed unprofessional and disrespectful but is he unprofessional and disrespectful? He is and he does are different terms with different meanings. Our client is making a judgement that her colleague is bad for doing bad. Her rule is:

‘He should acknowledge me and because he doesn’t he is unprofessional and disrespectful.’

Our client also shows signs of low frustration tolerance because she is not getting what she must have. Consider:

‘I am so unappreciated and it’s not fair!’

It would appear that when she doesn’t get what she needs and must have she can’t stand it and it is awful. Her rule is:

‘When I don’t get what I must have (his approval) I can’t stand it and it it’s awful.’

An REBC (Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor) would help the client understand the B-C link, B meaning the thinking that drives the behaviour and emotions (anger/hostility) at C. Whilst there are a few irrational core beliefs that can be challenged as outlined above the one to focus on as a priority is the clients belief that:
‘I need the approval of others to be worthwhile.’

To be continued ….