Flowery Fawning Language - an REBT perspective

Flowery language is:

‘designed to have a persuasive or impressive effect, but which is often regarded as lacking in sincerity or meaningful content.’

Dr. Albert Ellis was an efficient person by all accounts and was careful to say what he meant in his writing without employing unnecessary hyperbole or using grandiose and convoluted ways to impress his audience. He didn’t need to nor did he want to.

Einstein said if you can’t explain something in simple terms you may not understand it. He encouraged people to:

“Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler.”

This is not as easy as it sounds and requires effort and consideration.

Schmaltz is another term that comes to mind to describe language used to ingratiate oneself with others; to over empathise. Sentimentality overload!

What can be the purpose of these flowery utterances in an REBT sense? What would Dr. Ellis make of those inclined to fawn over and to flatter others excessively? At which point does the message become meaningless and insincere?

Fawning is the:

‘use of people-pleasing to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others.

The latter, to earn the approval of others, is a salient point to consider in the ‘love slobbism’ stakes. Dr. Ellis’ principle of unconditional self-acceptance describes a predisposition to believe that one is worthwhile no matter what. This psychological bulwark keeps the individual in a state of ‘ ‘OK-ness’ meaning that if people don’t approve of you or you happen to fail at something your worth cannot be diminished, unless you allow it to of course!

The ‘flowery fawner’ or the one who characteristically entreats others to like or approve of them via excessive flattery are at risk because when such approval is not forthcoming the subject is rendering themselves psychologically unwell. Why? Because their sense of worth is tethered to how others esteem them. Ellis said:

So look out for this kind of attitude in yourself or others as you may knowingly or unknowingly be leaning on others too much for your sense self-worth. Consider the following to keep yourself sane:

• What am I saying and why am I saying it?
• Do I need the approval of others to be worthwhile?
• Learn to be more self-accepting? How?
• Try new things and test my resilience if I fail or others don’t approve of me.
• Remind myself daily that what I think of myself is more important than what others think.
• Remind myself to care about what others think about me but not to care too much.

Any others?

 

I feel so sad and angry! A students journey to positive mental health

Student C often found himself excluded from the class for his behaviour. He would sit quietly outside the room or he would find his way upstairs to speak to a person in leadership. The counsellor would engage with him and over a series of meetings together they worked out what the issue was.

Student C would declare often and in different ways that he was ‘bad,’ ‘dumb,’ ‘stupid’ etc. He was adamant about this and it seemed that he would not be moved from that position!

He was big in stature for his age, quiet and withdrawn generally which seemed to reflect the low estimation he had of himself. He seemed to feel angry, not towards others but more towards himself. When feelings ran high he could express himself in ways that were not acceptable but understandable. He might run his pen across his page of work or indeed rip the page out of his exercise book. He would write ‘STUPID’ across the brim of his school hat in texta. His frustration was palpable and his ideas about himself were entrenched and deeply ingrained.     

This would not change until he became aware of the beliefs he held, that were irrational, meaning not helpful; barriers to him achieving his goals.

We decided that we would give irrational and unhelpful ideas a name. We called intrusive and debilitating thoughts *Brain Bully thoughts. They were attached to Brain Bully self-talk e.g. ‘I’m dumb and stupid or bad’ for instance. We isolated one to work on and agreed that the idea of being ‘bad’ would be the place to start.

We talked about ‘being’ bad and what that meant. It was a global self-rating term, a word or idea that described his total being or his personhood. We also talked about the word ‘being’ and what that meant. We agreed that it could mean ‘the way I am’ i.e. I am my badness.

We then talked about how ‘I’m bad’ could be a Brain Bully belief. We noted how this thinking got in the way of his happiness and his ability to set and pursue his goals. This was the test we applied to the Brain Bully belief ‘I am bad.’ If it stopped us feeling OK then we could call it for what it was; Brain Bully thinking.

We continued to explore the idea that he was ‘his badness’ and where this idea may have originated. He said that he tried hard to do the right thing and when he didn’t behave as others thought he ‘should’ he felt responsible for how others felt. For instance his mum would say things like, ‘you make me sad when you do that.’ Or, ‘you make me mad when you do that.’ This message he had heard all his life so he believed he was responsible for how his mum felt i.e. he ‘made’ her mad and sad.

We had pinpointed why he believed he was a ‘bad’ person. He articulated his belief thus; ‘I am a bad person because I make my mum sad. If it wasn’t for me she would be happy. It’s all my fault!’ This is a heavy burden for a young person to bear. Where would we go from here? We’ve established that his irrational, Brain Bully thinking is connected to how he feels and behaves. His belief he is a ‘bad’ and ‘worthless’ person is connected to or accompanied by behaviours and emotions that are self-defeating i.e. sad (depressed?), anxious and withdrawing, destroying stuff etc. We established that his strength of feeling is connected to how he thinks (believes) things are or should be e.g. I should be ‘good’ but I am ‘bad’ (which I shouldn’t be!).

What then is a ‘good’ person? We talked about all the things that make us who we are and decided that we have many positive attributes and things we could get better at but it would be difficult to argue that we can indeed ‘be’ good or ‘be’ bad. Can we take one attribute or quality which is good or bad and then decide we are that attribute or quality? Can we claim to be good if we did something well? That would be illogical because though we have done well in one instance we still have things we could improve. So we cannot ‘be’ the thing that we are good at can we? And we cannot ‘be’ the thing we are bad at!

We established a new idea to challenge the Brain Bully belief that we can ‘be’ good or we can ‘be’ bad. We agreed to use (think) the idea that ‘we are OK no matter what. We are worthwhile no matter what.’ In other words though we might do ‘bad’ or inappropriate things we are not bad for doing them, we are still worthwhile. Student C would have to do a lot of work to change what he believed about himself but this was an important start. We set some homework for ourselves that when we stuffed up we would try hard to learn from our mistakes but we would refuse to believe that we were ‘bad’ for making our mistakes.

So student C would train himself to believe that when he makes a mistake and his mum feels angry and she says ‘you make me mad!’ he will remind himself that he is OK no matter what. He will feel sorry for his mistake and try hard to do better but he will not put himself down. He will build the rational (self-helpful) belief of ‘I’m OK no matter what!’ This will help student C to feel sad and disappointed rather that depressed and angry.

We also gave a name to the rational and useful (self-helpful) thinking we were practicing to make new beliefs to replace the old Brain Bully beliefs that can be intrusive and harmful; *Brain Friend thinking.

Of course we acknowledged that when mum says ‘you make me angry’ that she is expressing a Brain Bully belief that hides somewhere in her mind. Student C understood what his mum was yet to realise!

Student C made great progress and one day his mum called and asked if she could come to see me …..

*Brain Bully and *Brain Friend are terms used in the early childhood teaching/counselling resource 'Have a Go Spaghettio!'©

Dr. Debbie Joffe Ellis reflections on her husbands life and legacy

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

The masterful and great Albert Ellis PhD passed on July 24th, 2007. The years have flown by, and I wonder what he might think if he were still alive. I think it is highly likely that he would enjoy the remarkable progress of neuro-physiological research and findings, and the continuing embrace of the cognitive approach in psychotherapy (he heralded in the cognitive revolution in psychotherapy in the 1950's). I suspect that journalists would be clamoring to hear his views, on a regular basis, about the current state of our country and the world - and his responses would be sharp, rational, direct, and interspersed with his fine and piercing wit! He might regret that some of the people who, in his lifetime, championed the REBT approach are in recent years merging their work with a more general CBT approach, for as much as he immensely respected CBT and the outstanding research associated with it, it does not, as much as REBT does, emphasize the humanistic and philosophical elements seen in REBT: such as the importance of choosing to experience greater unconditional acceptance, tolerance and gratitude - most especially during times of challenge. Nonetheless, there are many fine practitioners and teachers out there keeping the flames of REBT alive, as I strive to do with joy and gratitude. And the numerous books and articles written by Albert Ellis continue to help countless numbers of people, directly and indirectly, to suffer less emotional misery and to experience greater happiness in life. Remembering you with great love Wondrous Al. Thank you forever - for you. 

_______________________________________

(Albert Ellis' work continues in Australian schools, helping children to optimise their psychological health through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education)

US pyschologist to visit Whyalla for centre opening

Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis opens the world first Albert Ellis Professional Learning Centre

Dr Debbie can be contacted here Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis 

Whether we weather the weather or whether we don't

I posted this (below) on the Albert Ellis FB page this week (https://www.facebook.com/TheAlbertEllisProfessionalLearningCentre?ref=hl). It had been a week where temperatures had hovered above 40 degrees celsius for days in succession and then ended with a deluge of rain that caused minor flooding in Whyalla, and widespread damage in Adelaide, South Australia's capital. Happily for fire fighters in the Southern Flinders Ranges it doused bushfires which had been burning out of control for a month! Fantastic work by the fire fighters who work voluntarily and provide such great service to us all. Thank you!

'The week that was. Pretty challenging week for educators (and everyone) in Whyalla and surrounds. Heatwave and deluge kept students in the classroom. Pressure all round well handled by all. What a week! Have a good weekend!!'

Relieving rains!

The week was a trying one for all teachers and students as most days they had to stay indoors. They weathered the weather well!

Damon L. Jacobs left a message with a link (below) to a post he wrote a while ago about the weather and how best we can manage ourselves when the weather isn't as we would prefer it to be. Damon is a family therapist in New York and a fellow REBTer.

The Absolutely Should-less Blog: Lesson #34: It Is Insane To Argue With The Weather

Have a look.

The Bangor fire, Southern Flinders Ranges

The Enduring Practice of Negative Psychology

If constructivist theory is what all learning and teaching is based upon how well do we know and understand it? How do we help students understand the philosophies they have constructed and how they by and large determine the choices they make and the emotions they experience? If a child has given up on herself and has reasoned that she is hopeless how then can she develop her potential? If she has hit a psychological brick wall and can’t push through it or clamber over it what can be done? This psychological impasse has a negative affect on the student and if schools are not equipped with the means to support her then nothing changes for that student.  Could educators unwittingly be peddling a brand of negative psychology in schools? If educators are addressing behaviours only and applying consequences to them this is not enough as the underlying individually constructed beliefs that give rise to dysfunctional behaviour and emotions aren’t being addressed.  We can ask children to ‘believe in themselves’ and have posters on walls around the school but what philosophy underpins such self-belief?  How do we teach it?

Recently an educator (Ms. Di Namic), a self proclaimed ‘passionate teacher’ and a strident critic of ‘poor’ teaching believes that a ‘good’ teacher (like herself maybe??) can compensate for the psychological barriers that students have developed over a life time. Well-prepared, knowledgeable and passionate teachers can achieve this according to Ms Namic. These students can be ‘inspired’ out of the doldrums by the teacher’s passion and verve! A more enlightened educator commented that ‘I had a great physics teacher at school. Loved him but I didn’t learn a thing.’ The point is that teacher competency; enthusiasm and dedication in themselves are not enough to help disengaged students who are emotionally and behaviourally unwell.

Dr Albert Ellis founded Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy in the 1950’s, a philosophy based form of psychotherapy, the forerunner of other cognitive therapies like CBT and Choice Theory amongst others. Martin Seligman acknowledges the influence Ellis’ work had on his Positive Psychology approach. Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance helps people to identify the errant personal philosophies they have constructed, how these affect their moods and behaviours and how they can deconstruct them and replace them with more helpful habits of believing.

This approach is educative and empowering and is used the world over to help people sort out their emotional and behavioural problems and has great potential for students from preschool age upwards. It enables teachers to help students understand why they feel and act as they do. It is not enough to focus solely on the behaviours we observe (behaviour management?) but also on the underlying beliefs students have constructed (behaviour education).

The Whyalla REBE School Cluster in South Australia delivers the REBT mantra to students across all year levels i.e. THINKING FEELING and BEHAVING are all linked. The behaviour we observe and accompanying emotions are the visible (and audible) expressions of individually constructed personal philosophies, which can be rational or irrational (they either help or impede progress towards our goals). Rational Emotive Behaviour Education educators promote positive psychology in schools through Albert Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance. They not only describe behaviours but teach students where their choices of behaviour come from, a very powerful teaching competency!

REBE Educators in Whyalla:

·      Understand constructivist theory

·      Know that we act and feel as we do because we think as we do

·      Teach students how they construct their core philosophical beliefs

·      Help students challenge and change destructive self defeating beliefs

·      Always give behaviour (not person) specific feedback

·      Teach students they are not ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but they are always worthwhile

To do otherwise is not enough as the status quo prevails where students remain in a mire of self-doubt and helplessness (a cycle of negative psychological disturbance) disengaged, alienated and at great emotional and behavioural risk. 

Some ways in which negative psychology is reinforced:

Having a step system (one size fits all) approach to behaviour (behaviour management)

Publicly admonishing students

Saying things like ‘you make me angry’

Using person specific feedback e.g. ‘you are lazy/naughty’

Referring to student as ‘a shit’ in the staffroom

Inflexible, undifferentiated curriculum

Exclusive curriculum

Saying good boy/girl

Any others?

Whyalla Foreshore Friend