Narcissists Need Your Admiration - when too much is never enough!

The narcissist has an approval need receptacle somewhere in their subconscious. It leaks like a sieve it seems, and the more its fed by admiring others, the need to be admired never diminishes, it just intensifies. No matter how much they are adored and revered, too much is never enough. They are constantly in ‘tell me how much you love me mode.’ If we were to suggest a rule that drives this kind of need it might be:

‘I need your approval for me to feel OK about myself.’

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, created by Albert Ellis, would suggest, that this kind of need is characterised by an attitude of demand, a belief that one must get what one wants i.e., the approval of others because only then will one feel OK about themselves. This is what Ellis calls ‘musturbatory’ thinking, where the person believes they absolutely must have the approval of others if they are to feel OK, to have and maintain positive self-worth.

This need puts that person at considerable risk because they can only feel ok if they receive the positive affirmation of others. In other words, they believe that they are only OK if others say or indicate that they are. These beliefs are forged over time as the young child is socialised in ways that conveys the message ‘you are OK only if I think you are.’

‘Depression and anxiety are linked to conditional acceptance of self.’ 

People can be helped to challenge and change their irrational expectation that they need the approval of others to be worthwhile and as a Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor this is my core business. The goal is to help them understand that their worth is unconditional, they can develop unconditional self-acceptance, if they commit to some hard work!

But what of the narcissist school leader, whose addiction to others’ approval, seems never ending? Can they be supported and guided beyond the self-defeating need to be admired, loved, approved, and adored by others? The answer is no, not likely. The narcissist cannot admit that they may have any kind of psychological deficit, as this would not fit the image of themselves as the perfect person they believe they are. They cannot admit to any fault that would challenge this illusion.

‘The narcissist cannot allow others to see that they are really insecure and unhappy individuals.’

Not only do they seek the approval of their acolyte friends and colleagues, but they also believe they are entitled to it and others must regard them in the high esteem to which they have grown accustomed. So, they surround themselves with those who are prepared to feed their need to be loved, and this reverence must be on tap, available at all times, as the narcissist cannot accept themselves unconditionally. 

Look out those who aren’t taken in by the machinations of the narcissist; they become the enemy. As they don’t join in the ‘tell me how great I am’ game they fall foul of the delusional egoist. They are not in their circle of preferred others and will become targets of intimidation and exclusion. Such personal attacks are targeted, persistent and enabled by trusted others. The narcissist believes they deserve this as they don’t give them what they are entitled to, unconditional admiration and support. This is bullying!

‘A narcissist considers only their needs, wants and desires. These are their priorities and others become invisible.’

As I write this, I can appreciate that it may appear that I have some kind of obsessive preoccupation with what is termed NPD, Narcissist Personality Disorder. I am of course interested in this as a counsellor but also as someone who has had to negotiate the behaviours of this personality type in my own experiences in schools as a school leader, educator, and counsellor. I am and have been wary and I have chosen not to get involved in the narcissists need to have me ‘on side’ as an enabler. Hence, I have experienced the ignominy of banishment to the periphery of acceptance, respect, and inclusion. Demoted to the outer so to speak.

This is a list of some things that the narcissist school leader will do to keep their coveted position:

- Encourage and support those sycophant others who agree with them and do their bidding

- Reward preferred others with gifts and other privileges

- Invite them to join their circle of friends (would you be my FB friend?)

- Spread unsubstantiated rumours about targeted others

- Enlist the help of their enablers to dismiss and demean the work of others

- Use their ‘spies’ to report back to them about what others are doing

- Instruct enablers to ignore and exclude others

- Maintain their overinflated sense of importance at all costs

- Fantasise about power, success, and image

- Take advantage of others, taking credit from others

- Dismiss the needs and feelings of others

'When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but you stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did.'  ― Jill Blakeway

How does this behaviour go unchecked? This is a good question and may be addressed at another time on this blog.

 

The Narcissist Boss

‘Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. . .. They justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.’ T.S. Elliott

The imagined side eyes and murmurings noticed in passing and the alleged corridor conversations fed the managers  paranoia that people were undermining his authority. ‘There’s a conspiracy afoot! They must not do this to me it’s just not fair,’ he thought.

He reflected on the demands he made of staff, seemingly all heaped upon them at once that he told himself had nothing to do with his lack of organisation or paucity of leadership skills, but more to do with the system. Yes, it was the system letting everyone down. How could it be his fault? And then there were his offsiders who were green around the gills and wasn’t he trying to get them up to speed, to develop their leadership capacities? ‘No, it’s not me he thought.’ He would not dare to even contemplate that he could be at fault, he always found it hard to look at himself in the proverbial mirror.’ ‘Staff must understand the importance of my role,’ he told himself, and that ‘any suggestion that I can’t handle it is nonsense and must be quashed.’

He would remind staff that the 'broken system' was letting them down and that good things lay ahead if they would just trust him and believe his intentions were always for the common good. ‘I am proud of you all and have the utmost respect for you,’ he declared (in private he held everyone in contempt). Yes Leadership, with a capital L, (The 'L' Team as he called it) strove to improve productivity outcomes, and to maintain the standards that the enterprise had become renowned for in the local network. He was the big cheese now and he was in his rightful place, and everyone should defer to him.

He couldn’t appreciate that there was a disconnect between what he said and what he did, and others could see what was happening. Whilst they grafted within the confines of their office walls, they would observe or others would tell them of the meetings behind closed doors where he and his lieutenants would be sitting talking, laughing, and socialising. Word filtered through also that the capital 'L' team, would order in take away when the other workers had returned to their workstations after lunch and dined together away from the office hubbub.

It wasn’t a good look either that all would attend meetings and workshops outside the office together whilst a designated stand-in would be left to manage things alone. The grapevine had it that they would drop in for takeaway on their return to work for good measure. The message was loud and clear that the 'L' team was a group of privileged and entitled others who set themselves apart from the main group. Whilst the manager would call for collegiality, trust, and cooperation he acted otherwise, and a clear schism had developed between the haves and the have nots.

But whatever problems presented, however things went awry it was the system letting everyone down! And of course, the last geezer who ran the place, whose legacy still lay heavily on his mind the burden of which he carried like Mother Theresa of Calcutta would have. It was ‘his fault and I’m left to clean up his mess,’ he reminded himself ‘and people should be grateful.’

Others came to regard the manager as inauthentic, disingenuous, and conniving. What he said to one’s face wasn’t what he said behind the backs of many who at one time would have thought of him in a different light. He was jealous of others’ achievements and wouldn’t give due credit to them unless they were part of his circle of acolyte, deferring sycophant friends. Indeed, the 'L' team was regarded more of a friendship group than an inspirational, talented, and visionary team. Whilst he implored others to walk his talk, he didn’t and that was a problem.

The manager, others observed, formed a dislike or hatred even of those who appeared to be more talented, younger, or who were more popular than he. There was conjecture amongst many that several people over the years who had moved onto other jobs fitted that description. No, he wouldn’t have had anything to do with such shenanigans whilst he served under the former manager. Or would he? Some hypothesised that it was indeed the case!

His tone of delivery in speech and in writing was of a passive-aggressive nature, a disconnect between what was said and the behaviour observed. His passive-aggressive demeanour was characterised by the ‘silent treatment’ to purposely cause discomfort or an intentional lack of communication, ‘I’ve been meaning to come by and chat,’ he would say, when in practice it had always been the case that he avoided those he regarded as a threat to his coveted position of power and authority (dad would be so proud of me he'd often say to himself). ‘Our job is a difficult one, and we are in it for our clients and their families, and it can be burdensome, but let’s hang together for the common good’ he would declare before retiring to his office to naval gaze over his trials and tribulations, and the burden he must bear for others.

The trouble with having a narcissist office leader is that colleagues with different perspectives, opinions and ideas are seen as recalcitrant and counterculture, who seek to undermine the managers authority. ‘They should know that I know what is best. They just want to see me fail,’ he would think, on a loop in his head.

Narcissists are excessively selfish and possess a sense of misplaced altruism believing that bearing imagined afflictions (‘you don’t know how much I am hurting, but I can’t burden you with my suffering’) makes them an exception amongst mortals who believe they are irreplaceable.

The question is how does one deal with such self-focussed, delusional, entitled, and mean-spirited individuals? Ignore them? Allow them to take the credit for what is not theirs and just accept the status quo? The narcissist leader won’t like that others don’t see him as he sees himself and will offer platitudes of understanding and empathy whilst planning at the same time, your demise sometime in the future (I’ll get you when you least expect it!).

Moving on to another job is often the easier option. Why hang around a person who will never have your interests at heart? Unfortunately, it seems to be that our system promotes ‘leaders’ of this ilk, and those who are the narcissists' quarry are dismissed and scapegoated. Interesting isn’t it?

Yes, life seems unfair but somewhere along the line our narcissist, bully boss will have his comeuppance!

I didn’t do it!

Why it is that some can’t acknowledge a mistake or oversight when a simple admission of ‘yes it was me’ would be quite the ordinary thing to do. Everyone would understand; don’t we all make mistakes? Remember the Fonz from Happy Days? He couldn’t say sorry because the Fonz was perfect so how could he ever make a mistake?

There’s a person I knew once, who was a bit Fonz like in his estimation of himself, though nowhere near as endearing, who would not acknowledge any wrong doing or mistakes that he may have made and would cast aspersions elsewhere on others who were not ‘as fastidious’ as he!

This person however was very vigilant and sensitive to the behaviours of others. Once, when a person ‘committed’ a minor, innocuous ‘infringement’ of expected norms, he said to the miscreant, ‘it was you who left the fridge door open in the kitchen! I know it was you! Just don’t do it!’

Now, you may be thinking, 'surely that can’t be true, so much fuss over a simple everyday happening?' No, it was characteristic of this person, always predictably intransigent in his attitudes towards specific others (he had his favourites!).

What assumptions did this person make about others? Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, would suggest there are some, what he called, ‘musturbatory’ thinking going on here. These black and white beliefs see people and life in black and white terms, either this way or that way; no in between grey area thinking allowed! A ‘musturbator’ was he! Many would opine that he was just an ordinary, everyday bully cum tyrant whose toxicity was palpable. Many would also comment on how the workplace was that much better when he was away! 

Essentially, according to REBT, our non-Fonz like manager, expected people to behave as he thought they should, no ifs nor buts! And if they didn’t? They were bad people (unless a favourite!) who deserved everything they got!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Screwballs, Nutters and Faulty Bits

'There's enough there for an entire conference!' the psychiatrist guest was heard to say to another on witnessing the behaviour of hapless Basil of Fawlty Towers fame (BBC TV UK).

'There's enough there for an entire conference.'

This quote comes to mind whenever I experience behaviour that is beyond the generally agreed norm of what constitutes civility in the workplace. A persons general demeanour and actions can have a positive effect on others; encouraging, supportive and respectful or they can have an otherwise entirely negative effect on them!

Basil's behaviour invoked feelings of frustration and anger from others (how can anyone be so inept) but it was counter balanced by other more 'reasonable' characters like Sybil and Polly who would challenge Basil who it seemed was incapable of any insight in to how his behaviour effected work colleagues! Poor Manuel would cop it mercilessly from Basil who always remained loyal and respectful of his malevolent boss.

Please don't hurt me!

An REBT perspective on Basil's emotional and behavioural status would (and probably has already!) take up 'an entire conference!' What are his 'mustabatory' demands on others and the world? What is he getting (or not getting) that he must not get. And why is it so awful when the world doesn't deliver what he must have and why is it never his fault (Faulty) when things go awry?

Have you ever worked in a situation that would provide 'enough material for an entire conference?' Do you work in an environment bordering on the toxic where a particular individual has hijacked what would otherwise be a pleasant and cordial and more productive workplace? Do you find it difficult to be in the same proximity of this individual (s)? How do you manage yourself and how do you maintain your own sense of worth and dignity?

Any ideas would be most welcome!

Basil and his counterfoils Sybil and Polly