'Do you need an ambulance?' When small problems seem like catastrophes

A teacher colleague invested a lot of time teaching her year 3 students that thinking, feeling and behaving were all interconnected. As Albert Ellis, creator of REBT said (I paraphrase here):

‘We make ourselves more anxious than we need to be when we think events and things are worse than they really are.’

The teacher did a lot of groundwork to persuade her young group that they make themselves more upset than they need to be. She read books that had characters who helped themselves get better when they changed the way they thought about something. She reminded them often that it was their/our estimation of an event, how we thought about it that was key. ‘If they came to know this they can do something constructive about their discomfort,’ the teacher thought.

She changed her language; rather than asking ‘what makes you angry?’ she would say ‘what are you thinking about what happened that’s making your feelings so strong?’ She didn’t say ‘don’t be angry’ either as she knew her students couldn’t ‘be’ the feelings they were feeling.

How many times do we say ‘it/they/she made me angry?’ Can something ‘make’ us as angry as we feel? And the claim ‘I am angry?’ Does the assertion ‘I am scared’ make sense? Can I ‘be’ the feeling (s) I experience? Food for thought eh?

‘Message to self,’ the teacher would say inside her head:

"Teach the think – feel – do connection. Stop saying ‘it’ makes ‘me/you’ angry. Stop saying ‘good boy/girl’ (doesn’t make sense)"

So the teacher had done a great job of teaching the students that their estimation of events, their perception of what’s happening, had made the strength of emotion they feel about an event and not the thing/event itself. She had acquainted them with the notion that they could have a fair amount of control over how they feel and the actions they take. She asked them questions like:

‘What’s stronger; angry or upset?

Do I feel angry or am I angry? What’s the difference?

‘You make me sad!’ What does this mean? Is there another way to say this?’

 

The classroom discourse moved away from person specific to more behaviour or competency specific i.e. she addressed behaviour and not person in her feedback. She taught her students that what they did was up for assessment but their essence or personhood was not. She weaned herself off of using person specific terms like; good boy/girl, naughty, smart, cute etc. and focused more on what the children did. She was mindful that a person’s worth was a given, that they were always worthwhile whether they did ‘good’ or did ‘bad.’ “Doing ‘bad’ can’t make you ‘bad’” she would start each day by saying and she would add “doing ‘good’ doesn’t make you good either. You are always worthwhile!” This was a constant reminder to students that their ‘okayness’ wasn’t attached to someone’s assessment of their person.

She began to notice that those children who were generally withdrawn or lacking in confidence began to try new things. Some were putting their hands up more to ask questions; they were taking more risks. She asked herself why? But she knew why didn’t she? It was the new and developing regime she had introduced based on the philosophy that:

“People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.” Epictetus

Her children began to understand that big problems were only as big as they thought or imagined them to be. If a problem was big or not was a decision they could make by assessing its ‘badness’ against other possible happenings. She helped each child to construct their own ‘catastrophe scale’ where possible problems could be organised according to how ‘bad’ they were.

So back to the title of this piece and the ambulance reference. The children were asked in many different situations if what was happening was as bad as they thought it was. Some children referred to their hard copy catastrophe scale (CS), whilst others used the one they carried inside their heads; their virtual CS. If Sofia said ‘I don’t have my hat today and it’s a massive problem because I have to stay in the shade at playtime,’ her CS would tell her that there are far worse things that could happen and her teacher would say ‘Sofia, is it so bad that I should call an ambulance?’

 

  

When the Shit Hits the Fan - REBT, kids and self regulation

Shit and fans have been part of our vernacular for as long as I can remember. Pear and shaped ditto. These words together help describe colloquially situations that are unwelcome. Pain and arse also come to mind!

What to do when the proverbial hits the wotsit? The amount of the proverbial and size of the fan is significant; how big is the problem? The amount and size is relative to how we may perceive the situation or how we 'estimate' the severity of it! As Marcus Aurelius said: 

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” 

Is the problem of catastrophic proportions, pretty big or just a pain? Young children find it useful to learn about the catastrophe scale. This scale helps them see how problems can be arranged in terms of how big/significant they are to the young person. They learn to ask themselves 'is it as bad as..?' If not then this little shift in thinking will have a beneficial payoff i.e. 'this isn't as bad as I initially thought it was and now I feel less angry/sad..'

Learning how to regulate emotional and behavioural responses to situations requires some insight into how thinking is connected to feeling and behaving. Daily teaching of this will help the child develop a habit of stopping, establishing how she feels at a particular moment and then to ask 'what am I thinking/what am I telling myself about this problem? (what is my estimate of what's happening?). The child will become well practised in judging the badness of what is happening according to her own constructed catastrophe scale.

Of course in practising this yourself you are also teaching those around you. Your children are always watching you!

It's Just Not Fair!

Schools in Australia have a Sun Safe No Hat No Play Policy. This protects the long-term health of children in light of what we know about over exposure to the sun and skin damage. It’s a reasonable preventative health measure.

A young child (6 years old) recently in a school playground was crying, hatless in a shaded area looking on as her ‘hat ready’ peers played on the playground equipment having the greatest time ever!

I asked her what had happened (A=Activating event) and she replied

‘I can’t play on the playground with my friend because I have no hat!’ So I reflected back to her what she said (as counsellors do).

‘You have forgotten your hat and you can’t play with your friends. Is that right?’

‘Yes.’ She said through a veil of tears. ‘How do you feel about this?’ I asked (Emotional Consequence of A=C).

‘I feel very sad because I can’t play with my friends on the equipment. The teacher said I have to stay in the shade. She is mean. She makes me mad!’

Again I reflected back to her thusly ‘you feel sad because you have no hat and you can’t play with your friends on the equipment and you feel mad too because the teacher says you have to stay in the shade. You say she is mean. Is that right?’

‘That’s right she makes me mad and it’s not fair that I can’t play with my friends.’

‘Ok you feel mad and sad because you can’t play with your friends and the teacher is mean because she won’t let you play in the sun and it’s not fair.’

Our little friend believes that the event (A) ‘I have to stay in the shade’ is making her act and feel as she does (C). Someone or something is making her mad and thus in her mind A=C i.e. She does not accept any responsibility for her behaviour and feelings. Nonetheless she is about to learn some useful ideas about the way life works because the teacher on duty (me) is about to pounce and give her an REBE (Rational Emotive Behaviour Education) booster!

I say:

‘If you think it is really bad and it’s the worst thing that can ever, ever happen then you will feel mad and angry. This is Brain Bully thinking, Brain Bully (BB) is trying to trick you. Tell BB that if you h ad  a very sore throat or you can’t find your favourite teddy or your dog is sick and has to go to the vet are much worse than having to play in the shade because you have no hat.’

She says:

‘Brain Bully is making me sad and mad. Get lost BB.”

I say:

‘Well done. Now you think, ‘this is bad but not the worst thing that can happen to me.’ Now you are using helpful thinking. Brain Friend (BF) thinking helps you to feel better. Do you feel better?’

Now this process may seem long and drawn out but it can be shortened somewhat by saying in the first instance (assuming the school teaches REBE across the curriculum) the following:

‘Nobody makes you mad. You make you mad when you use BB thinking. This is not the worst thing that can happen (‘do you need an ambulance?). There are bigger problems than this. Tell your self this is a pain but you can stand it.’

It is useful for our young learner to be reminded that:

•  Things are very bad if you think they are.
• You feel bad when you use BB thinking.
• Challenge BB with BF (‘this is not the worst thing that can happen’) and change how strong you feel (annoyed but not angry) about things.
• How you think about things makes feelings and actions not just what happens to you (the event).

If this is reinforced in all interactions between teachers and students at school children will generally feel healthily annoyed, concerned and sad about things rather than anxious, angry and depressed. That’s what REBE is all about. Try it and see!

Give It a Try Banana Pie!

How do you help young children develop and sustain healthy habits of thinking? By having fun of course! Learning is a serious business and it’s important to have some serious fun on our learning journey.

Children learn our behaviour, interpret the messages they receive, and process information accordingly. They construct their own set of rules, belief system that will guide them in the choices they make. These can be by and large helpful or unhelpful, rational or irrational.

Give it at try banana pie! There’s more to this than meets the eye!

We want our children to develop the capacity to take on tasks with a view to do their best and to hang in there when the going gets tough. This is the ‘if it’s to be it’s up to me’ idea that helps the individual to complete tasks and build on self-confidence. Here are some ideas for teachers and parents/carers to use.

When children are working say:

‘You are giving it a try banana pie! (thumbs up gesture)

When the task is complete say:

‘You gave it a try banana pie!' accompanied by a thumbs up gesture and a highly animated facial expression (more exaggerated the better!)

When talking to a group before starting a task say:

‘What are we going to do?’ Response: ‘Give it a try banana pie! 

When you are doing something separate from the group say out loud:

‘I can’t do it this. It is too hard!’ and the children will say ‘Give it a try banana pie! ‘Thanks kids you helped me to keep going!’ you reply.

At the end of the day say to the children, ‘we did lots of stuff today and even when things didn’t go our way what did we do?’ And you will hear them say in unison:

‘We gave it a try banana pie!’

And what will we do tomorrow? Guess what they say?

The above is teaching the children some valuable ideas and competencies in a seriously fun way such as:

       ‘If it’s to be its up to me’ – internal locus of control.
         Hard work pays off in the end.
       ‘Giving up stops me doing things.’

The more things I do and finish the more I believe I can achieve my goals.’ (Confidence

‘I can fail but I’m not a failure.

Everyone can do different things and they have unique qualities.’

‘We are all good a lots of different things.’

Give It a Try Banana Pie!

Some things are easy

Some things are hard

But I will always try!

When things get tough

I will say

‘Give it a try banana pie!’

The ideas outlined in this blog are contained in the Early Childhood program 'Have a Go Spaghettio!' a resilience building program based on Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. Max and Sam always 'Give it a try banana pie!"

William Shakespeare and Mental Health

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education (REBE) is the application of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy principles in teaching practice across all curriculum areas. Albert Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance is tailor made to help students understand an event is not the sole determinant of their emotional and behavioural response to it. This is not a new idea, stoic philosopher Epictetus in around 100 AD observed:

“Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”

Educators comment daily on the ‘culture of blame’ in schools where students claim:

‘He made me angry so I hit him.’

‘The teacher made me angry.’

‘My mum didn’t set my alarm, that’s why I’m late.’

‘Maths makes me angry.’

How do you teach the average high school student that ‘nothing or no one’ can make anyone angry?

The goal of REBE is to challenge the philosophy that A (Activating event) directly causes C (emotional and behavioural Consequences) i.e. A=C. The aim is to alert students to the idea that their thinking (Beliefs) about the event has a lot to do with it! i.e. A+B=C

Where does the ‘Bearded Bard of Stratford’ come into this preventative mental health caper? What has Shakespeare got to do with it?

I was asked to talk to a group of year 9 students about constructivism, how we construct our philosophical views about the world, others and ourselves. These internalised ‘rules’ for living to a large extent determine how we respond to daily happenings. Students were very receptive to ideas that we construct these philosophies according to how we are genetically made and how we are socialised through family and friendships.

We studied this excerpt from Hamlet, students taking turns to play each part and then we spoke about it’s meaning, what is Hamlet saying in the last statement?

Act 2, Scene 2: A room in the castle.

Hamlet: Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.

Let me question more in particular: what have you, my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune that she sends you to prison hither?

Guildenstern: Prison, my lord!

Hamlet: Denmark's a prison.

Rosencrantz: Then is the world one.

Hamlet: A goodly one; in which there are many confines, wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst.

Rosencrantz: We think not so, my lord.

Hamlet: Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me it is a prison.

Students understood Hamlet’s assertion that nothing is good or bad in itself but our thinking ‘makes it so.’ As stoic, Marcus Aurelius said, it is our ‘estimation’ of an event that makes it ‘good or bad’ (see previous post) not the event itself. This is an important insight for students as they begin to explore an alternative view to the ‘blame everyone and everything’ philosophy. If they can understand this they can start to take control of their lives. As Albert Ellis said:

‘The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.’

So back to Hamlet! I took the liberty of reworking Act 2, Scene 2 from Hamlet (apologies to the Great Bard) to give it an Aussie flavour on the topic of vegetables as follows.

An Aussie take on Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2 – a dining room in a house.

Bruce: What bad luck that you are served such yucky food!

Digger: Yucky Bruce?

Bruce: Broccoli is yucky!

Leeanne: Then are all vegetables so Bruce?

Bruce: Yes all vegetables are yuck and broccoli is the yuckiest!

Leeanne: We don’t think so Bruce.

Bruce: Why then is it not true for you? Because there is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. To me it is yuck!

Students were then asked to re enact the parts and a lot of fun was had by all! We replaced the word ‘broccoli’ with other words and reread the reworked Act 1 of Hamlet. We established for instance that:

‘He/she is not good or bad but thinking makes it so.’

‘The teacher is not good or bad but thinking makes it so.’

‘My mum is not good or bad but thinking makes it so’

‘Maths is not good or bad but thinking makes it so.’

This was a useful activity to acquaint high school students with the idea that nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so. Thanks Mr. Shakespeare and Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus and Albert Ellis and Karen Horney and ............. Thanks!

That's Silly

Young children have a great sense of the ridiculous and hence have fun with rhymes and expressions that are nonsensical and whacky. Appealing to their seemingly innate sense of the quirky helps to get across useful ideas and strategies that can help them in life.

Having fun is important for you as well as your students and delving into the ridiculous is an end in itself I find! As an educator and counsellor working in the early childhood sector I have been known to dabble in the daft, query the quirky and to ponder peculiar prose!

Spike Milligan was prolifically nonsensical and left us with classics like the Ning Nang Nong, which somehow appealed to our sense of fun. I never tire of the old Maxwell Smart reruns, laughing heartily at the antics of the eccentric Agent 86! And Tommy Cooper (if you’re old enough to remember) was altogether a unique individual who was a master of the absurd.

Cooper: ‘Can you give me something for wind?’

Doctor: ‘Here’s a kite. Go and fly it.’

Appealing to children’s ‘sense of the silly’ is a useful way to help young ones explore the topic of bullying in a fun way.

 

The poem below is one I have used to show students how humour can offset the debilitating and hurtful effects of bullying. It is a teaching tool to:

·      Introduce the topic i.e. what does it (bullying) look like, sound like and act like?

·      Why do others do this?

·      What can we do about it (explore all options)

Perhaps you can try this with my poem ‘You Are Dumb!’ and see how you go.

You are dumb!

You are dumb

She said to me

So I said

Dumb, diddly

Dumb dumpty dee!

You are stupid

They said to me

So I said

Stupid dupid

Fiddly Fee!

You are a nerd

He said to me

So I said

Nerd niddly nerd

niddly nerd nernee!

You smell

They said to me

So I said

Smell jelly smelly

Smell stinky pee!

My friend Max

She said to me

You are my pal

Cuddly dee dee

Cuddly cuddly dee!

For whatever reason people can behave unkindly and this is to be expected for life is unfair. Whilst we would like everyone in the world to be respectful and kind we can learn to accept that this cannot be so and we can practice Unconditionally Accepting Ourselves (and others).

The poems message is that not everyone is mean, you are ok anyway and how people view you does not in the end define you!