The
young student was sure he was a bad kid. ‘How do you know that?’ I asked. ‘I
make my mum angry all the time’ he said. ‘Tell me about the last time you made
her angry’ I enquired. ‘The other day when I wouldn't brush my teeth. I wanted
to watch the TV longer and she got madder and madder. It’s my fault. She said I
made her mad. My mum would be happier if I was a good kid.’
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| I'm a bad kid! |
This
is typical of this student who believes he’s bad based on the evidence he has
had before him. What evidence might that be? What sense (or non-sense) has he
made from his experiences to date? What conclusions has he drawn about himself,
others and the worlds (life)? Not very helpful or healthy ones it would appear!
Constructivist theory
would say that our young subject has constructed some unhelpful ‘habits of
thinking and believing’ and he has concluded:
- He is bad because he does bad things (I don’t like me)
- He makes his mum mad (She doesn’t like me)
Where
do you start, counselling wise with this young and intelligent student? What
thinking/believing rules does he possess that accounts for his ongoing anger
and depression?
Let’s
consider the ‘I am bad’ theory. He has made and makes poor choices. We can call
those choices bad if we like but he is not bad as he believes he must be. He
will feel depressed about this unless he learns how:
For
the child
- His thinking is connected to how he feels and behave
- Some thinking rules are not helpful (irrational)
- To dispute/challenge those habits of thinking
Knowing
this and believing it i.e. ‘I am not my behaviour I am OK but my behaviour
isn’t’ takes a bit of effort and he can’t do this by himself. He needs help.
 |
| Let's think about this |
For
the parent
- Stop telling him he is bad/naughty/a pain – he is none of these
- He does not make you mad. Take responsibility for how you feel and behave - you make you mad!
- Start using feedback that is behaviour specific and avoid global rating terms like naughty/lazy/bad/good
- Work on your own self-worth and tell the child what you are doing e.g. ‘I am practising my helpful thinking rule of I’m OK even if I make a mistake. I am reminding myself about this.’
- Tell him that your love for him is unconditional and never at question
The
kind (quality) of language used in interactions between parent and child is
critical as briefly outlined above. Be warned that children will start to rate
themselves good or bad if they conflate behaviour with being – they are not
what they do!
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| I am not what I do. I'm OK! |
