In the counselling office in a school in South Australia
Counsellor: You say that you feel anxious when you think
you have ‘offended’ someone. Is that fair to say?
Student:
Yes I want people to be happy. I hate it when they feel bad because of
me.
Counsellor: It would appear that you believe you are
responsible for how others feel. You say you ‘made him upset.’ Would that also
mean that you believe others ‘make you upset?’
Student:
Yes. People can make me upset and I can upset others.
Counsellor: I want to talk about a ‘must’ rule that
people make over time. It is a rule that is not a helpful one to have.
Student:
What do you mean? Do I have a must rule? I don’t think I do.
Counsellor: What do you think about the rule ‘people
must like me or I’m no good?’
Student:
I’m not sure what you mean. Where does this rule come from?
Counsellor: OK instead of using the word ’rule’ replace
it with ‘belief.’ Say ‘I believe I’m OK
only when people think I am.’ (Student repeats statement). A belief is a
strongly held view about something that we believe is true.
Student:
Why do I believe this? Where does it come from?
Counsellor: You have learnt this from an early age. You
have learnt that you are only ‘good’ if others think you are ‘good.’ When
someone disapproves of aspects of your personality or something you do you don’t
just feel disappointed you feel really anxious and sad. Someone or something is
not ‘making’ you anxious but your ‘thinking rule’ your ‘must belief’ is!
‘It's lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believed in myself.’ Muhammad Ali
Student:
Do you mean that my belief that that kid I was talking about ‘must like me and think I am a good person’ is what is causing my
anxiety?
Counsellor: Yes exactly! Your belief
(that you believe is true) is making you anxious because you don’t get what you
must have and that it is really awful that you don’t. You think you need the
acceptance of others to be worthwhile!
Student:
Isn’t it normal to want other people to like me? I try very hard to be
liked.
Counsellor: We may want to be liked and admired by others
but really needing others’ attention
and admiration to ‘make’ us feel
worthwhile and accepted is an unhealthy MUST
rule. That is ‘people must like us for us to feel good about ourselves.
Student:
OK I am getting the hang of this. Other people who might disapprove of
my behaviour don’t cause my anxiety but my must
belief does. I think ‘he must think I am a good person.’ Is that right?
Counsellor: Yes, well done. Not only
must he approve of you but it is so awful that you can’t stand it when he
doesn’t! You must get what you want and
when you don’t you feel highly anxious and very unhappy. You will maintain your anxiety as long as you
believe your MUST belief/rule.
Student:
How do I change my unhelpful rule? How can I learn to manage my extreme
worry?
Counsellor: The antidote to ‘I must
have the approval of others for me to feel OK’ is Unconditional Self-Acceptance (USA). It means ‘I accept myself,
warts and all even when I stuff up, even when someone disapproves of me in some
way!’ This is a healthy rule/belief because you remain in control. You remain
healthily concerned but not so anxious that you can’t focus on your work.
Student:
So when someone thinks I have done something bad I’m not bad, is that
what you are saying?
Counsellor: Yes you are always worthwhile no matter what,
even when you screw up or someone rejects you. When you asked someone if they
had a problem and he mistook what you said and showed annoyance towards you it
did not in any way take away your value. You are only worthless if you believe
you are and you believe you are when you believe ‘I MUST have the approval of
others to be worthwhile.’
Student:
I get what you mean.
Counsellor: Practise believing ‘I prefer others to
approve of me but they don’t have to. I accept myself no matter what. I can
handle this.’
Student:
I’ll do that. Thanks.
 |
| ''I don't have to be what you want me to be.'' Muhammad Ali |
