OUGHTISM

Some not only wish that life were as they would want it to be but insist it should be so. This fanciful way of thinking projects a world where everything is as it ‘oughta be.’ Do you ought should or must on yourself, others and the world?

• Must you always meet your own lofty expectations of yourself?
• Must others always treat you as you would like to be treated?
• Must life in general always deliver what you want?

This form of oughtism manifests in all manner of ailments that get in the way of achieving our goals.

For instance ‘should’ that driver have let you in back there and is he an idiot for not being as attentive as he could (should?) have been?

Are you a hopeless case for getting a C minus in your assignment instead of the A you ‘should’ have got?

Should life be easy for you and deliver to you all that you want to be happy? Isn’t it so unfair when things don’t go your way?

These constructed oughtistic beliefs deny us the ability to deal with challenges appropriately. For instance if we think the driver above should have let you in and he is an idiot for not doing so we may feel angrier than we need be. We may also act aggressively and make poor behavioural choices. Is he making you mad or is your anger a result of your demand that he should have acted more courteously?

Ever said to your child you make me so mad! Is she so powerful that she can determine how strong you feel? Is she responsible for causing your feelings and behaviour? ‘She made me mad and I slapped her. It’s her fault!’ 

Is it reasonable to think that as adults we are now able to assume responsibility of our own emotions and behaviour? Is it not better for our children to observe us dealing with situations in a constructive way so that they won’t develop these self (and other) destructive oughtistic tendencies?

Ideas

• Train yourself to monitor how you react emotionally to a situation; identify how you feel and         how strong that feeling is. Do you feel mad (say 7 or more out of 10)?
• Are you about to rant and throw stuff?
•  Ask yourself ‘Am I in control?’
•   Take some deep breaths and remove yourself from the situation.
•   What are you demanding of the situation that you can’t reasonably expect? E.g. ‘that driver should have let me in back there. Idiot. He makes me mad!’
•     Replace ‘should’ with ‘prefer’ – I’d prefer he’d let me in but he didn’t and I can handle this. His behaviour was bad but that doesn’t make him an idiot.’ 

You will notice that anger gives way to annoyance and disappointment and you remain in control. Your four year old in her seat behind you well notice how well you manage yourself and she will learn some useful rules like:

•    I can stay cool in tough situations
•    I don’t expect that things should/must always go my way
•    I can control how I feel (and act)
•    I can deal with problems without making small problems into bigger ones

She will learn that sometimes things happen that we don’t like but we don’t turn minor problems into catastrophes i.e. We prefer people were more courteous on the road (sometimes they make mistakes).

We are oughting when we think/say:

•      I can't stand this/it! (This shouldn’t happen)
•      I/you failed. Idiot! (I/you shouldn’t fail)
•      It’s not fair! (Life should always be fair)
•     You make me mad! (You shouldn’t do that)
•     I’m hopeless (I shouldn’t make mistakes)

Should I?

I know I can't expect

And I won't

That others should do

When they don't.

I will instead

Accept others

And agree

That everyone else

May think (and act) differently

To me!

Oughtism: The oughtomatic tendency to think in oughts, shoulds and musts.

Sams Progress – It Ain’t So Awful Sam!

Sam’s teacher has introduced the Emotional Thermometer to the class and the students know now that irrational thinking is hurtful, its makes strong unhealthy emotions and poor behavioural choices. They know its Brain Bully (BB) trying to trick them. BB is saying: ‘I can’t do this! It’s unfair. I’m dumb.’

Teacher: ‘These are not true! Are they children?’

Children: ‘NO THEY’RE NOT!

Teacher: ‘We won’t let Brain Bully win will we?

Children: ‘NO WE WON’T!’

They also know that Brain Friend tells the truth and makes healthy, manageable negative emotions. BF says, ‘this is hard but I can try.’ ‘I’m not dumb if I make a mistake.’ ‘I’m always OK.’

Teacher: ‘These are true! What do you think children?’

Children: Yes they are. We want BF to win! GET LOST BRAIN BULLY!’

This kind of learning is reinforced across all teaching/learning curriculum areas or if you are a parent the same applies at home at every opportunity. The idea is to reinforce the idea that what you think, how you feel and how you act are all related. When our children understand this they will learn to take responsibility for how they feel and behave (young children pick this up very well)

The next item to introduce to children is the idea that when we think something is ‘bad’ and we tell ourselves that it is the worst thing ever we don’t feel so good. We may feel highly anxious or angry or sad (Check the Emotional Thermometer). We may tell ourselves that ‘its so awful that we can’t stand it!’ This is called ‘Icantstandititis!’ a debilitating condition that can be treated by understanding and using the Catastrophe Scale (CS). The CS is a list of possible/actual concerns which are organised according to how ‘bad’ they are. Children will then be able to see at a glance that an itchy nose is not as bad as the earth being blown to bits!

Teacher: ‘I lost my pencil. This is so awful I cant stand it!’

Children: ‘Watch out Brain Bully will make you mad and sad. Don’t let him win!’

Teacher: ‘But I need my pencil. This is terrible!’

Children: ‘Oh oh! Brain Bully is tricking you. This is not a big problem. It isn’t as bad a sore throat. It is a small problem.’

Teacher: ‘You’re right kids I won’t let BB win. Can you help me?’

Children: ‘BF says this is a pain but not a huge problem. Let BF win and get rid of BB!’

Children respond well to this kind of learning and is a preventative mental health measure, teaching them that unhealthy negative emotions are made by irrational thinking (BB). If they know this they can help themselves to regulate how they feel and behave by themselves. This is what Rational Emotive Behaviour Education is all about.

Sam will learn that when she believes small problems are not so bad after all she will be less inclined to anger and will be a happier little person.

Brain Friend and Brain Bully are characters introduced in my program for young learners ‘Have a Go Spaghettio!’

Problems!

Big ones, little ones,

In between ones too

Problems, problems

Whatever can I do?

I can’t find my hat

Wherever can it be

This is so awful

It’s a catastrophe!

It’s not fair

I'm sick in my tummy

I want my hat

It’s not funny!

My friend is sick

And she is sad

Losing my hat

Isn’t so bad

I can handle this

I can change how I feel

I think ‘this isn’t so awful

It isn’t a big deal’

Big ones, little ones

In between ones too

Problems, problems

I know what I can do!

Sam Feels Angry – Stew, Stew, Stew!

Sam feels angry in class when she can’t get something she wants. Sam is six and has been at school for just a short time and her anger is stopping her from being successful. She gives up on tasks and just ‘has to have’ her friends hat which is newer than hers and she snatches it away! She isn’t making friends too readily and it’s hard to hold on to them when she does! She is bossy with others and is very insistent and demanding.

What are her rules? What beliefs has she constructed that drive her unhealthy emotions and behaviours? What can the teacher do to help her in the classroom?

Her teacher referred her to me (school counsellor) outlining her concerns for this student.

I spent some time in Sam’s classroom and observed her at work and play. I could see why the teacher had concerns for her and so I met with her after school to talk about a plan to help Sam.

As a Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor I consider Sam’s behaviour to be the expression of some irrational rules that she has formulated as follows:

- I must get my way
- I can’t stand not getting what I want
- It’s not fair when I don’t
- If she won’t give me what I want she is bad

I suggest to Sam’s teacher that I take some lessons in her class so others can benefit from some REBE learning and so I don’t withdraw Sam from her class and classmates.

Over a series of five lessons I talk about helpful and unhelpful thinking. I call unhelpful thinking Brain Bully and helpful thinking Brain Friend. We make puppets and play games like Who’s Talking BB or BF? I make thinking statements like the following and children show if BF is talking or BB is talking e.g.

- I am dumb. I can’t do it!  (BB)

- This is tough but I will try (BF)

- She is mean! (BB)

- She did a mean thing (BF)

- I must get what I want! (BB)

- I don’t have to always get my way (BF)

We use the Emotional Thermometer to show how thinking is connected to our feelings and behaviour. So for example I teach students that when BB is talking in my head I feel angry (I don’t get what I must have!) and we point to the top of the thermometer to show angry. When BF is talking (I can handle this. It isn’t so awful) we point to the lower end of the thermometer. This is a great way to teach young learners that:

- There are helpful and unhelpful habits of thinking
- BF makes manageable feelings
- BB makes unmanageable feelings

This is an early introduction to Albert Ellis’ ABC theory of Emotional Disturbance for young learners. Ellis’ model shows the relationship between what happens, A (Activating event), my constructed beliefs, B and how I feel at C (Emotional/behavioural Consequence). Young Sam doesn’t know that her strong feelings and inappropriate actions are not so much caused by A but it is Brain Bully at B that’s causing her angst. This insight will help Sam learn how to control her feelings and make better behavioural choices.

To summarise the last paragraph: A+B=C.

The above will be covered over a few lessons in a fun way but the learning is profound! Sam and her classmates will learn that:

    - They experience unhealthy, strong feelings

    - They can make poor choices when they do

    - Their unhelpful thinking makes these strong feelings (BB)  

    - BB is not true and unhelpful, BF is true and helpful

In the next post we will see how Sam and her classmates are going and how the teacher will maintain the momentum of this learning into the future.

The song below is about anger and what students can do about it.

I feel!

I feel angry

Stew, stew, stew

I feel angry

Stew, stew, stew

I feel angry

Stew, stew, stew

Oh me oh my what can I do?

Don’t feel angry

Don’t you stew

Don’t feel angry

Don’t you stew

Don’t feel angry

Don’t you stew

There is something you can do!

Use Brain Friend Thinking

And take deep breaths

Brain Friend Thinking

Take deep breaths

Brain Friend Thinking

Take deep breaths

This is something you can do!

I feel better

More relaxed

I feel better

More relaxed

I feel better

More relaxed

Now I don’t feel so blue!

Have a Go Spaghettio!

Sing to the tune of ‘Skip to my Lou’.

Six Year Old Max Feels Anxious

Little Max is a 6-year-old boy whose teacher has referred him to the school counsellor. His teacher is concerned that he seems agitated a lot of the time especially when other kids are not 'being good.’  When the teacher appears to be angry his concern is heightened. Max’s anxiety is stopping him from engaging in his learning and it is effecting his overall school experience in a negative way.

Is that the way ‘he is’, his nature and he can’t do much about his natural tendency to experience anxiety a lot of the time? What is driving this extreme emotional discomfort and what can be done about it?

He may have inherited a genetic predisposition towards anxiety and it may be a characteristic of other family members to a lesser or greater extent.  He will also have ‘learned’ how to feel anxious, he may have been taught how to feel this way.

As a counsellor I want to know what core philosophical beliefs has Max constructed that drive his anxiety, what does he believe? Where do we start?

The teacher is on the ball and has raised her concerns about Max and the next step is for me to have a chat with he young person. It turns out that Max is a high achiever and wants to do well. He wants his teacher to think well of him and he feels upset when ‘bad’ kids ‘make’ her angry.

What have I learned that could possibly cause Max’s anxious demeanour?

·      He really must get 10 out of 10 and feels bad when he doesn’t

·      Kids can ‘be bad’ or ‘good’

·      He can be ‘bad’ or ‘good’

·      He can ‘make’ the teacher angry

·      Kids can ‘make’ the teacher angry

According to Rational Emotive Education Theory Max is making himself unhealthily anxious. He does this because he has constructed unhealthy core beliefs such as:

·      Other people and events ‘make me’ mad/anxious/angry.

·      I must get 10 out of 10 or I’m hopeless

·      I ‘am’ bad when I ‘do’ bad and good when I ‘do’ good

·      Others ‘are’ bad when they ‘do’ bad and ‘good’ when they ‘do’ good

Max could do with some help to challenge and change these unhealthy, irrational core beliefs.

Max is a character in the popular early childhood Rational Emotive Behaviour Education resource ‘Have a Go Spaghettio!’ You will find many useful strategies in this program to help Max feel and act in helpful ways in the longer term.