The Have a Go Spaghettio! Approach to It’s Not Fair!

Children may feel frustrated, upset, or disappointed when they perceive that they are being treated unfairly, whether in games, at home, or in social situations. Saying ‘that's not fair!’ is a way for them to articulate how they feel. The belief ‘it’s not fair’ is driving those emotions according to the ABC Theory of Emotional (and behavioural disturbance). How strong are they? If children believe that ‘it’ whatever ‘it’ may be ‘is’ unfair, they may be applying a developing philosophy that is rigid in nature, that things ‘must’ pan out as it should. Anything deemed unfair, its unfairness, depends on how it is viewed, perceived, interpreted. Applying a ‘must’ rule, demanding that wants and desires are met immediately, will cause heightened upset. An attitude of preference over demand will allow the child to keep things in perspective i.e., this happening is uninvited but in the scheme of things its not a big problem. The thing that’s ‘unfair’ is received as an inconvenience rather than a catastrophe. In the counselling context the child will articulate: What happened and how they felt when whatever happened, happened. This will establish the A and C components of the ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance. How ‘it’ is perceived at B of the ABC paradigm will affect the strength of feeling and the behaviour at C and the counselling session will focus on the B, perception part of the ABC theory i.e., how can we (re) consider an ‘unfair’ happening in a different way. The child and counsellor will set some agreed Success Helper goals to focus on as illustrated in the video, and its important for the child to know and practice the ‘I’m worthwhile crocodile’ Red Success Helper’ which teaches self-worth is unconditional and isn’t diminished by failure or the opinion of others.

A Have a Go Spaghettio! Way to Help Edward the Emu Who Wants to Be What He's Not!

Edward is an ordinary emu nobody is interested in at the zoo. He tries to be every other animal in the zoo but he’s still not popular like the other animals. He realises in the end that he’s an emu and he accepts that fact.

This story is analysed through the ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance lens as per the Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper approach to psychological, emotional, and behavioural wellbeing.

The ABC theory offers a way of considering the emotional and behavioural dispositions of characters and how they relate to thinking or the perception of events. Children can think about what’s happening to a third party and make connections to their own lives. So Have a Go Spaghettio! and Give it a Try Banana Pie!

 

Albert Ellis and Shithood

Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) said that embedded irrational habits of thinking can place one in a state of 'shithood.'

Known for his linguistic flair, his colourful turns of phrase drove home the REBT message that how we think about things can determine how e.g., upset we become or our state of 'upsetness' as he would say. 

Our 'upsetness' and the 'shithood' it places us in, Ellis suggests, is self-imposed to a large degree. If we believe, irrationally, that people and things beyond us, 'give us the shits' as it is commonly claimed in my neck of the woods, then, could it be caused by our own Sustained Habits of Irrational Thinking Syndrome? Do we give ourselves 'the shits?'

The Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper approach to wellbeing helps early childhood students understand how we contribute to the degree of our own upset experienced in most cases and this is done by engaging irrational, Success Stopper, Brain Bully habits of thinking that lead us up the garden path to Ellis' unsavoury place of personal misery and upset!

Children are acquainted with their thinking nature, and rational, Brain Friend, Success Helper thinking is encouraged. They learn:

- thinking, feeling, and behaving are connected
- Success Helper, Brain Friend thinking is helpful
- Success Stopper, Brain Bully thinking is unhelpful

Ellis invites us to introduce the principles and practices of psychotherapy via REBT and CBT into early childhood teaching and learning. Have a Go Spaghettio! is one way to do this. Give it a try banana pie!

Albert Ellis

     

An Early Childhood Student Presents with Pervasive Sadness - could it be depression?

Have a Go Spaghettio! introduces psychotherapy into the early childhood school and classroom. Albert Ellis advocated for the application of REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) in daily teaching practice. This acquaints young learners with their thinking nature as constructivists who are forging their own ideas about how the world works. The closer their constructed ideas reflect the reality of how the world works, the better they are equipped to navigate the road ahead.  

Success Helper thinking supports SH helper feelings and behaviours. Unconditional self-acceptance. the idea that there are no conditions attached to our worth, is represented by the 'I'm worthwhile crocodile' Red Success Helper. It helps young ones maintain a positive sense of self especially when things don't go so well for them. 

Have a Go Spaghettio! 

I'm Worthwhile Crocodile Thinking - nothings good or bad but thinking makes it so!

 ‘Nothing’s good or bad but thinking makes it so’ says Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Alfred Korzybski said the ‘word is not the thing.’ If a child is not good or bad intrinsically but somehow determines they can be they’re not thinking straight according to Dr. Albert Ellis and others. Doing something well does not somehow suggest that it reflects how ‘good’ we are, that we are ‘good’ for doing good. Isn’t it more accurate to believe that ‘I did Ok’ but that has nothing to do with my OK ness? Believing we’re OK when we do well or others deem us to ‘be’ OK is what Ellis calls self – esteem, where he argues, we feel good when we do good or when others approve of us. He calls this conditional self-acceptance, where self-worth is determined externally; an externally controlled and determined sense of the self, good or bad.

Unconditional self-acceptance regards the ‘self’ consistently as one of worth even if one does good or bad or when others approve of us or disapprove of us. We accept ourselves unconditionally. Ellis would argue that this is a more substantial and evidence based self-assessment than relying on others to boost our ‘self-esteem.’

Alfred Korzybski said that when we assess our value based on an abstracted strength or failing and decide it defines us, we’re thinking ‘unscientifically,’ our self-assessment is not informed by the evidence i.e., we are allowing a particular aspect of ‘us’ and deciding it describes us in a global sense which doesn’t consider all the traits, qualities etc. that we possess. In other words, it doesn’t make sense, it is, as Korzybski says, crazy making thinking!

How so? If we conclude that we ‘are’ our smartness when we do something well, and it makes us a smart person how can this make us crazy?

I worked with a young person who presented with extreme anxiety and self-doubt as they had learned that because others assessed their capabilities in an area of learning as exceptional, they believed they had a reputation to live up to. They were obsessed with ‘what if’ thinking, what if I don’t get a good mark, what if I fail, what will people think of me if I don’t get a good mark etc. They began to withdraw, not take risks because if they didn’t live up to the expectations of significant others, it would mean that they ‘are’ failures. This is what Korzybski and Ellis calls crazy thinking induced, extreme psychological discomfort. This person has decided, errantly, that they need the approval and ‘esteem’ of others to be an OK person.

‘I’m worthwhile crocodile’ thinking teaches the young child that they are OK even when they don’t do so well at a task or when others inevitably disapprove of them. Their approval of themselves holds sway over the assessments of others. This kind of mindset will take on board the evidence, decide that ‘the word is not the person’ and carry on. They may take on board constructive criticism and advice, but their sense of worth remains strong, they accept themselves unconditionally!

Have a Go Spaghettio! I'm worthwhile crocodile!

The Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper approach to Social Emotional Learning is informed by Dr. Albert Ellis' ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance and Alfred Korzybski's General Semantics Theory amongst others.

Dr. Ellis created Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) and said the future of psychotherapy in the school system.

The Have a Go Spaghettio! chart represents the competencies and capabilities that help us achieve our goals, develop confidence and respect for self and others.

The goal is to introduce the early childhood learner to their thinking nature and to help them underrated that thinking, feeling and behaving are linked to each other. For instance the Red Success Helper, 'I'm worthwhile crocodile!' represents REBT's unconditional self acceptance, the idea that a persons worth is not tethered to how others view them i.e., that they are not what others might deem them to be e.g., dumb, smart etc.

Self approval is important and learning to need the approval of others is an unhealthy philosophical perspective because it can give rise to severe psychological upset e.g., anxiety.

So Have a Go Spaghettio!

The Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper Chart for Early Childhood

This is a short video about a an approach to teaching the fundamental principles of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy to young learners in early childhood. It's tried and tested and many early childhood teachers say it is well received by students. Teachers relate that students pick up the language readily and enjoy the songs that reinforce key concepts.

Albert Ellis, the creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy said:

"l read your presentation on 'Have a Go Spaghettio!' a resilience building program for young learners. It seems to hit the spot and be excellent for your young audience."

Give it a go (Spaghettio!) and let me know how you goeeoh!

 

Ms Prudence Putty-Nose Needs an Ambulance

Ms Prudence Putty Nose wanted to impress her colleagues and her line managers, to demonstrate her dedication to her job and to illustrate just how much of a hit she was taking for the good cause.

She pondered a while and considered how she might best get the attention of the esteemers and sycophants, her narcissistic suppliers, to keep her fragile ego buoyant.

She had been under a fair bit of pressure as she'd been planning the demise of a colleague whose position she coveted and as her line manager also wanted him gone, they concocted a plan to get rid of him. Deceit and unethical collusion with co conspirators was a debilitating and tiring endeavour but it could be used to her advantage. So what did she do?

She gathered her close and trusted sycophant others to her office and declared she had been feeling dizzy and needed to lie down. She suggested she may need an ambulance as she had been under a fair deal of pressure. They pandered to her of course and diligently phoned for an ambulance. There was much ado about the traumatised patient as her buddies milled around her ministering to her poor ailing self.

Initial concern gave way to scepticism and doubt as to why this all came about. Was she really sick? Was it a ruse to attract attention?

Maybe she was under the weather but a few close to the situation suggested it was all an attention seeking exercise. She bounced back rather quickly and after the ambulance left and she had been treated she perked up and felt much better. This was all part of the expensive ruse to demonstrate her special person status, that she was a cut above the rest and people should know this. Narcissistic supply at the taxpayers expense!

Her line manager responded as planned and a few brownie points were accrued and noted. Yes, she was in the good books so to speak as she played protégé to her line manager mentor. Together they would concoct a plan to get rid of the thorn in their side, their nemesis, the bloke they didn't like.

Ms Putty-Nose of course is a composite of characters one meets along the way, people who you negotiate as you trundle on trying to get a job done, to support children and their families.

Ms Putty Nose was not without peer like Dodgy Dan  Doodle, another FIGJAM contender and of course there was good old Roger Bent who would present with all manner of physical contortions and mental gymnastics to please and appease those whose approval he needed. Knots and contortions, tangles and tears. Get me to the physio!

Ms. Putty Nose would spend a lot of time feeding and nurturing her narcissistic suppliers and all hell would break loose if, quelle surprise!, they rescinded their goodwill or forgot their daily salutations at the altar of Priestess Putty Nose. Tears might be the order of the day or an hour or two of in office sulks. Look at moi!!

She would buy them gifts on the schools dime, and they would be strategically placed around the place to signal to those on the outer that only those who played the FIGJAM game would qualify for preferential treatment.

The job though is not what's important, it's whether or not one is on side or not. Those who are independent and don't need the needy amongst us better be vigilant, as Ms Prudence Putty Nose types are out there ready to undermine and vilify them to get what they want.

Ms Putty Nose, Dodgy Dan Doodle, Roger Bent and others of their ilk are dedicated types and committed to their own health, wealth and happiness. The hangers on and wary others who sit at the periphery ponder what to do in a system that encourages and enables the Putty Noses of the teaching and learning world to dance their merry dance!

I need an ambulance, those nasties aren't paying me enough attention!!!

These are fictitious characters and any resemblance to people living or dead (or seem that way or who smell a bit off) is absolutely and utterly coincidental. 

Doing is Not Being! REBT and General Semantics

A global rating of another's worth is when a quality or characteristic or behaviour is abstracted from all the competencies and traits possessed by an individual and is then used to assess a person's entire personhood. For example, deciding a person is 'bad' because they do something we don't approve of e.g., they didn't wave back!

When discussing this with a teacher colleague, she notes that there are several fellow educators she works with who label some students in negative global rating terms, suggesting that ‘that’s the way they are’ and that they will not change.

These observations concur with my own experience as a teacher and counsellor, where a ‘fixed mindset’ mentality affects how some teachers behave towards their students, projecting a conditional acceptance of the other attitude, defining student worth in a negative way.

The word is not the thing. Alfred Korzybski

Albert Ellis, who created Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, spoke of unconditional other acceptance, the belief that a person's essential worth is unconditional where one quality, 'good' or 'bad' cannot define them. Similarly, Carl Rogers spoke of unconditional positive regard for the other person. 

What's the point of this and how does it relate to teaching practice? 

We have been taught via feedback that we can 'be' whatever someone deems us to be, unintentionally perhaps, in total ignorance but we have internalised these irrational and debilitating ideas as they are reinforced as a matter of course through language.

Consider the expression 'why are you angry? Can't you calm down!' This may be said in an empathic or in accusatory fashion or otherwise but what does it mean?

I've worked with kids who believe they are their anger, that their total being is characterised by this unacceptable, in their eyes, affliction that they shouldn't have. There's something wrong with them and they feel guilt and shame and extreme sadness. 

We are not the word assigned us Alfred Korzybski of General Semantics theory reminds us. The kid 'is' not 'an angry' kid but a person who feels angry at times. 

Hi there! 

It is advised that as mentors to others in the capacity of educator or parent we pay attention to what we say and the possible meaning it may convey; are we asserting you 'are' a 'bad' person for doing what you did e.g., swear at someone, or a person who did what can be assessed as a 'bad' thing. Doing is not being!

Food for thought.

 

The Word is Not the Person! General Semantics

Alfred Korzybski of General Semantics says that we ought to be more thoughtful about the language we use and to be mindful of the messages we are trying to convey. Too many and inappropriate words can confuse understanding and he suggests that we develop a scientist sensibility (Korzybski, 2000) for listening. He talks about creating a verbal pollution free zone by asking three questions that encourage specific answers. They are:

1. What do you mean?

2. How do you know?

3. What did you leave out?

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, created by Dr. Albert Ellis, incorporates Alfred Korzybski's ideas in his approach to psychotherapy and can be applied in counselling practice when working with young students.

Mary is an early childhood student who is not travelling OK. The teacher says she is self-critical and doesn't want to do things. 

We talk about Brain Friend and Brain Bully thinking. BF makes OK feelings and behaviours and BB causes us to feel not OK and we don't act as we could e.g., to try new things

We talk about Mary and how's she's been feeling and agree they are not helpful feelings she feels. She also says that she hasn't been doing her work and the teacher is wondering why. We talk about how BB thinking could be making her feel bad and she says she thinks 'I can't do this. I'm dumb.'

Maybe BB is tricking her into believing that she is totally dumb and hopeless. So, we say out loud together, 'I am dumb and hopeless.' We agree that it’s a Brain Bully way of thinking and so we decide to work on this together and we use the questions introduced above starting with #1

What do we mean?

We both answer this together and say things like 'because I am too scared to try, I am dumb and stupid.' Then we ask ourselves the question:

How do we know?

We say 'we are stupid because we are too scared to try. The teacher says we are not progressing and she tells mum she feels concerned so it must be true.' We think this kind of thinking is Brain Bully trying to trick us. We say together, 'BB is trying to trick us,' so we ask ourselves:

What did we leave out?

We talked about all the things we can do and made a list and we agreed that this proves we can't be totally dumb and just because we might feel worried about failing at something it is not true to say we are no good and that we shouldn't try.

We said that we'll work at the things we aren't so good at but we'll try to remember all the things we can do which we forgot to remember!

The word is not the person so why can a child believe they are the word 'dumb' when all the evidence suggests otherwise?

Food for thought.

 

Teachers who bully teachers!

It is my experience that no matter how competent, experienced, or well credentialed an educator might be if your face doesn't fit you may as well look elsewhere if you're a teacher dedicated to teaching students.

I've heard of teachers targeted because of their teaching competency, their popularity with students and staff. I'm speaking of the jealous and vindictive narcissist other, who cannot accept nor appreciate those by whom they are threatened.

A narcissist inclined person at a school I've heard of could not contemplate that a colleague could be so popular, vivacious, and highly respected amongst staff, students, and parents. They intentionally set out to undermine and besmirch the character of their target. How was this done? The narcissist protagonist surfed the internet to get background information on their quarry, downloaded pictures and passed them on to leadership. This information was used to bully and intimidate them. I'm told they were slut shamed to put them and keep them in their place according to several others. They sought professional help and was placed on medication for depression as related by the victim to others.

This is one strategy employed by leadership in tandem with sycophant allies in the school setting to target and victimise the unsuspecting victim, especially when the victim is on contract and therefore is in a position of weakness.

The preferred and favoured staff member was one of many informants, like minded 'friends' who would report back to the principal through the preferred other who held sway over the principal who regarded them with fondness and who treated them preferentially. This favoured other would often say that the principal 'will do what I tell them to do' such was the power and influence they wielded.

Other means were used against unsuspecting others who were on the outer so to speak because e.g., their exceptional skills and capabilities, took the limelight away from the teacher informant. The teacher informant and tell-tale colleagues would make up, concoct stories about others, telling leadership about things that didn't happen. Or CCTV was used to monitor targeted staff, to obtain information that would be used against them e.g., to suggest they look elsewhere for their next appointment.

One person relates how the favoured other would often walk past their classroom and just look in the window or stand at the door and move on. They would then go to leadership and report on anything they had ‘observed.’ Rumours were put about suggesting that the highly competent target teacher's classroom was e.g., untidy, dirty and that they were not 'team' players because of whatever reason they decided to make up. 

It is reported that the targeted teacher became ill, felt like vomiting whenever the bully colleague walked by. They didn't go to the staffroom and it was traumatising to go to the bathroom as they had to pass by or be in the view of those who were bullying and intimidating them. They spoke in whispers when talking with trusted others in case others heard what they said. They would sit in their car in the carpark dry reaching at the thought of having to expose themselves to the malice of the bullies they had to work with. Several colleagues related that this teacher was traumatised and they had grave concerns for their wellbeing. The harm experienced by this teacher was targeted, intentional and sustained. 

Teachers bully teachers and use whatever means at their disposal to engineer a world that suits and favours them. They employ others to do their bidding by favouring them and rewarding them e.g., making sure they get contracts, using the school budget for gifts to reward their loyalty. Yes, this happens in schools. Bullying is an accepted way to establish and maintain an order that suits a small group of privileged others. 

Education Today

We are teachers

Teachers can be bullied

Professional bullying in schools

 

 

The ABC’s of REBE - Rational Emotive Behaviour Education

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education (REBE) is a powerful teaching tool to use in the classroom at any level. It is based on REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy). It’s been around a long time, and  started out as RET (Rational Emotive Therapy) in the 1960’s.

Dr. Albert Ellis created the theory and his counselling paradigm, the ABC Theory of Emotional (and behavioural) Disturbance, provides us with a framework for our teaching and counselling practice. As with all effective teaching it helps to know what we are doing and why. So, step one in our learning journey would be to understand what the ABC Theory is.

ABC easy as 1,2,3…

It might appear easy, but there’s more to it than meets the eye. And therein lies the genius of Albert Ellis as he took all his reading, thinking and psychotherapy practice and put it into a little package, a formula for us to use in the classroom. Indeed, Albert Ellis said a long time ago that:

‘The future of psychotherapy is in the school system.’

So, acquaint yourself with the ABC theory and begin your learning journey and remember whilst you may readily understand what the model is on first impressions, it will take a lot longer to fully appreciate what it means and this will come with practice and again as Ellis said we all need to ‘practice, practice, practice’ to get better at what we do.

And the other Albert, Albert Einstein said:

‘If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.’

The ABC Theory has a lot of layers to it and when you get to the point where you can do as Einstein said, you’re on your way. And of course, we never stop learning and the more we engage with the ABC Theory the more we will learn and discover!

The ‘A’ bit

‘A’ represents whatever happens that may evoke some kind of emotional and behavioural response to it e.g., I didn’t do so well in my driving test. Or at school a child is not included in a game at lunch break, or a child finds that when she looks in her school bag at recess, her drink and snack is not there! Any happening or event is the A component of the ABC Theory, the Activating event.

The ‘B’ bit

‘B’ represents what we believe; our personally constructed philosophy, what we think about ourselves, others, and life in general. The beliefs we have may not be something we are aware of and the ABC Theory helps us to identify what they are and to decide if they are helpful or unhelpful.

Ellis called unhelpful thinking irrational as it stops us achieving our goals i.e., for happiness and success. And helpful thinking, he called rational thinking. Any thinking, rumination about or perception, interpretation of an event or happening is the B component of the ABC Theory, what we Believe.

The ‘C’ bit

‘C’ represents how we respond emotionally and behaviourally to an event, A. When a child is not included in a game at recess for example, the event A of the ABC Theory, how she might feel and behave is the C component of the ABC Theory. Does she feel a little disappointed or does she feel enraged? What does she decide to do? How we might feel and behave in response to A, the Activating event, is the emotional Consequence of A.

And there’s more ... The D, E and F bits! 

‘D’ represents the process of challenging the identified beliefs at ‘B’ which are causing us emotional and behavioural distress at C. This stage of the ABC’s, the ‘D’ bit, stands for Disputation, where we challenge (Dispute) the veracity of what we believe at B. Are you still with me? It’s worth persisting so on to the ‘E’ bit!

‘E’ represents a new way of seeing or thinking about things because we’ve learned to appreciate that what we believed at ‘B’ of The ABC Theory, is not helpful as it is associated with extreme emotional and behavioural upset. Once we identify the habits of thinking that ail us, and we work hard to dispute them, we can replace them with more helpful, rational ones. We have a new and improved way of regarding or thinking about uninvited happenings, new effective rational thinking E.

‘F’ represents a new, improved better way of Feeling about things at A, because the irrational beliefs we once held at B of the ABC model, have been challenged (disputed) and changed to more rational ones.

And there we have it, the ABC Theory of Emotional (and behavioural) Disturbance … and the D’s, the E’s, and the F’s!

A simple example of the application the ABC (& D and E) Theory for your consideration follows.

A - A driver on the road lets someone in who doesn’t acknowledge the courteous act.

B – The driver thinks, ‘How rude! He should have waved back. What an #$%^&!!’

C- The driver feels extreme annoyance and anger and waves his fist at the other driver.

D – The drivers thinking at B is challenged e.g., why should he have waved back? Could there be any reasons why he didn’t? Is it so bad that you can’t stand it? Can you think of other things that could happen worse than this? Where do you think this sits on your catastrophe scale?

E – Next time emotions are kept in check because the driver now thinks, ‘people don’t always have to do what I think they should. This is not a big deal so I won’t make it one. He’s not ‘bad’ because he didn’t acknowledge me.’

F – The driver experiences a modified, improved way of feeling about what’s happened as at B, irrational beliefs have been identified, challenged and changed.

Know your ABC’s (and D’s and E’s)!

There are many articles available that will help you develop a greater depth of understanding and appreciation of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy and its application in schools through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. I can recommend some articles that will help you on your learning journey which you can request via the email address provided.

So, think about the above and consider if it is something you can work with in your teaching or counselling practice. Does it sit well with what you know about Social Emotional Behaviour Wellbeing teaching and learning? Can you incorporate your new learning into current practice?

P.S. You can find more information here https://debbiejoffeellis.com/ and here www.rebtnetwork.org

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education. Email: lozzog@gmail.com

What’s Unconditional Self- Acceptance?

This is warts n’ all acceptance of all the things that make up the complexity of the ‘self’,  a term we use when referring to the ‘me’ we understand ourselves to be.

We decide who we are, how our ‘selves’ are constituted, by processing and interpreting the information we glean from our environment. How do others esteem me? Do they like me?

Does my self-assessment, my own estimation of my worth, depend on the assessments of others? Or do I accept that any clanger, rejection, or failure don’t or can’t in themselves define me in a global sense i.e., my total worth or value.

If we tend to over rely on others estimation of us, we have reached a stage of ‘needing’ rather than ‘preferring’ that others view us well e.g., likeable, respected, esteemed, funny, smart.

‘I need you think I’m OK for me to be OK.’

A student once asked me if he was a good boy. I asked what he meant and he said I like it when people say I’m a good boy. I asked him how he knows when he is a good boy and he said when people ‘tell me I am.’ I asked him when he is most likely to be told he is a good boy and he replied, ‘when I do something good’ (what others expect me to do).

‘I can’t disappoint people who expect me to be good.’

He also said that when he does things that others disagree with or who may feel aggrieved about something about him, he thinks he has made them feel that way. I asked him if he thinks that other people’s feelings, like his mum’s annoyance is caused by him and he said, ‘yes.’

‘I make my mum mad!’

What has this person learned about his ‘self?’ He is learning that his worth depends on the assessment of others. He ‘is’ good or bad depending on others estimation of his worth. According to REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) he accepts his ‘self’ only on condition that he is esteemed well by others. His ‘good’ self exists only if others say it does!

That he has learned to believe that he ‘makes’ others sad or annoyed or angry puts him at considerable psychological risk. He has learned that he is responsible for how others feel and of course this is an irrational belief. He may become hyper vigilant around other people’s sensibilities, not wanting to cause any upset or discomfort to others because he’s responsible for how they feel!

Unconditional self-acceptance regards the self as a composite of too many qualities, characteristics, capabilities etc good and bad and so it doesn’t make sense to abstract one from the many and decide that it defines your you-ness.

‘Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.’ Dr. Seuss

Alas we tend to do this at times but we can self-correct e.g., I am likeable even if others may think otherwise, I am not their opinion of me. So, the warts ‘n all idea means that our OK - ness remains constant even when as fallible human beings we will inevitably stuff up.

But for those young folk who believe their worth is subject to certain conditions e.g.,  how others rate them or how well they perform at tasks, then they will benefit from knowing how they can challenge and change the irrational ideas they may hold to be true about their ‘selves.’

So how can we help young people become the best version of their ‘selves,’ one which will serve them well?

- Talk about thinking, feeling, and behaving, what they are, and how they are each connected to each other. E.g., if I BELIEVE I’m dumb, I FEEL sad and I WITHDRAW.

- We can have helpful or unhelpful ideas about ourselves, others, and life in general, our beliefs.

- We can find out what those beliefs are e.g., ‘if someone doesn’t seem to like me then I am unlikable.’ 

- We can begin to change how we think about ourselves if we learn how to think about our thinking.

Some ideas to teach unconditional self-acceptance:

- Talk about a bike and its general composition, wheels, tyres, frame, spokes etc. If a spoke on one wheel is broken, does it make sense to decide the bike is totally no good and we should get rid of it? Why or why not? One fault doesn’t make the bike (us) worthless

- If we aren’t too good at something, or we didn’t make the soccer team does that mean we are totally useless, that we are totally no good e.g., using the bike analogy above, one of our spokes might be a bit wobbly but the bike’s essentially OK (unless we decide otherwise).

- Place a few dots on a sheet of paper. Look at the page what do we notice. We might focus readily on the dots. We may also notice that most of the page is clear of any dots or blemishes. When we self-down we notice only the blemishes and decide they define us (our ‘self’ page is full of dot blemishes), that we are no good. We might however look more broadly and decide that the sheet is essentially blemish less.

It isn’t an either/or proposition, we can’t be totally bad or be totally good, we are just worthwhile, unconditionally because as Albert Ellis (creator of REBT) says, ‘we exist.’

If we consider our ‘selves’ in the context of everything that constitutes our makeup, one fault or failure or blemish can’t represent the whole. In that sense we are always OK and that’s what we teach our young charges when we teach Unconditional Self-Acceptance.

PS Unconditionally accepting ourselves doesn’t mean we elect to remain stagnant and not develop and evolve, to improve ourselves. It isn’t a license to do nothing or to e.g., break the law because ultimately ‘I’m OK no matter what.’ It is a healthy attitude of acceptance of our makeup and to work hard at the things we decide we want to get better at. Get my drift?

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor in the public school system and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education.

 

The Life and Legacy of Dr Albert Ellis, Creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy

Albert Ellis

Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis agreed to answer a few questions about her mission to keep the work and legacy of her late husband Dr Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, alive and thriving. She took time out from her busy schedule to answer some questions.

Giulio: Thanks for the chat, Debbie. Could you give us a snapshot of Dr Ellis’ childhood?

Debbie: His childhood contained a number of challenges. He suffered from various serious and painful conditions, including nephritis and migraines, from infancy onward. Al made a conscious decision that he didn’t want to feel so very sad, hence he found ways to distract himself from the deep sadness such as reading books in the hospital’s children’s library, making up games to play with children in the ward, talking with their visitors, and daydreaming about his baseball heroes and about what he wanted to do when he grew up.

Al was 3 years of age when he taught himself to read with the help of his 5-year-old friend. They would sit on the stoop in front of their building and his friend would read out loud while Al observed and, by doing so, learned to read!

He was a voracious reader, often borrowing books from his school’s library and from the New York public library, and after he’d read every book that he borrowed, and there were no books there that he hadn’t already read - he would re-read the books he’d enjoyed reading previously!

One of his dreams had been to write the great American novel, and he had also said that if he could have afforded to learn music, he would have loved to be a composer/musician. Due to the financial depression of those years, he could not afford to pay for such lessons. He was able to study for his Master’s degree and Ph.D. at Columbia University Teachers College due to his getting scholarships.

Incidentally, I teach two courses at Columbia University: Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) and Comparative Psychotherapies, in the very building in which Al did those studies! Carl Rogers also attained his degrees there a few years prior to Al doing so.

Giulio: Dr Ellis thrived on thinking, working, creating, and spreading the ‘Gospel of St Albert’. What was his motivation?

Debbie: Indeed, his life was dedicated to helping as many people around the globe as possible, of every culture, gender, religion, or lack of religion, learn that they were responsible for creating their emotional experiences. He taught that it wasn’t their circumstances, but their attitudes and beliefs, which created their emotions.

REBT is incredibly empowering for people who are genuinely wanting to change unhelpful ways, and who are willing to make ongoing effort. Having suffered so much in various ways in his earlier years, he earnestly wanted to make a profound difference to humanity by helping individuals to help themselves to prevent unnecessary suffering.

Giulio: And of course, his sense of humour. How important did he consider humour to be in the therapeutic process?

Debbie: Al considered humour to be very important and very beneficial to people who wanted to not only feel better, but to get and stay better! Humour helps us put things into healthy perspective, helps us prevent ourselves from blowing things out of proportion or minimizing them, and is very beneficial in helping bring equanimity to those who take themselves, others, and life in general tooooo seriously!!!

Giulio: I’ve read that Dr Ellis, when giving therapy, was expert at listening to his clients and parsing out those debilitating beliefs that caused them so much bother, and that he did so with warmth, empathy and of course humour. What can you tell us about Dr Ellis in practice?

Debbie: Yes, Al was a respectful and superb listener. He could practically instantly identify any of their irrational thoughts. Also, he picked up on the nuances of what was said rather than just falling for the literal words and had a very finely tuned intuitive ability that enhanced that.

He demonstrated the power to help, inspire and contribute healing guidance to those who were open to receiving those gifts, utilizing his years of experience, wisdom, knowledge, and compassion.

Giulio: Dr Ellis was originally trained in psychoanalysis in the tradition of Freud and others. He famously said that people felt better when talking to the therapist, but rarely did they get and stay better. The idea that people could learn to help themselves seemed to be a revolutionary idea at the time. Where did this thinking lead Dr Ellis?

Debbie: Yes, he was probably the first psychologist/psychotherapist to encourage self-help for people who were not severely or endogenously disturbed. That added to his unpopularity among many of therapist peers who gave long term therapy and unintentionally (or perhaps some did so intentionally) encouraged clients/patients to develop dependence on them.

The so-called “new age” period that started around the 1960/70/80s contains many Ellisonian elements, as does executive coaching which is very popular these days. Many of the current approaches in psychotherapy are based on, or significantly influenced by, the incredible contributions of my brilliant Al, the pioneering genius, visionary, humanist, scientist, artist, humourist, and so much more.

Giulio: Many people were lucky enough to be mentored by him (as indeed was I) and say they stood on the shoulders of this ‘Giant of Psychotherapy’ and Dr Ellis encouraged others. Many counselling paradigms lead back to Dr Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance, which is why he is considered the grandfather of cognitive therapy. Can you talk to this and also to his generosity and goodwill towards others in the field of psychotherapy?

Debbie: Yes indeed. He was the most generous academic I know or have ever heard of. Anyone, famous in the field or not, who sent him a manuscript asking him for his opinion, would find their manuscript returned within days – full of red markings and suggestions. The famous Dr William Glasser (Choice/Reality Theory pioneer) would often share that he sent his first manuscript for his first book to Al for Al’s feedback, and within 2 days he received it back from Al - practically re-written!

Arnold Lazarus PhD, father of Multimodal Therapy (MT) who first came up with the term ‘cognitive behaviour therapy’, credits Al for pushing him to develop, write and publish on that MT approach rather than to simply work with Al in his institute, as Arnie had originally wanted to do.

Dr Aaron (Tim) Beck, who is often thought of as the father of CT/CBT, used to give credit to Al for being a profound help and influence on his work. Al’s REBT came out in the early 1950’s, and Beck’s in the late 1960s. It is unfortunate that such facts are not being presented sufficiently by some CBT teachers, though there are some who do teach the facts. In Al’s autobiography he included letters between him and Beck. Sadly, many students these days have the wrong impression that CBT came before REBT, and don’t realize how thoroughly CBT is based on REBT.

Giulio: He advocated for the introduction of REBT principles in teaching and learning and said that ‘the future of psychotherapy is in the school system.’ This again was an idea ahead of its time as social emotional behavioural wellbeing programs are now commonplace in schools. Can you talk about his strong desire that REBT become a part of the school curriculum? What benefits did he envisage?

Debbie: Oh yes! He passionately wanted REBT principles taught to as many people as possible - and the sooner the better.
The more rigid a person’s thinking is, the more effort it will likely take for them to change it.

If people learn sound principles in childhood, there is good chance that they will develop into adults with habitual tendencies to think about their thinking (metacognize), catch and dispute irrational self-defeating thoughts, and develop the habit of thinking rationally. As a consequence of doing that, healthy emotions and behaviours are likely.

Also, one of the most important lessons in REBT is to create and maintain unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other acceptance, and unconditional life acceptance.
In the absence of those attitudes, bullying, self-downing, shame and depression are created - and one or some of those acts, attitudes and emotions can often contribute to, or be present when suicide is attempted. Prevention can be the greatest cure.

Dr Albert Ellis wanted REBT taught in every school! - Not only to students, but also to teachers, principals, admin staff, and parents.

Giulio: Can you provide the reader with information about your work in keeping the legacy of your husband, Dr Albert Ellis alive and thriving, so many years after his passing? You have a busy schedule of teaching, presentations, and workshops. What feedback are you receiving on your travels about REBT and how it is evolving in the present day?

Debbie: It is my passion and mission to do all I can to keep REBT alive and thriving, so that as many people as possible can benefit from it. I love teaching it, presenting on it, writing about it, and practicing it with my clients.

I felt humbled and honoured when I was nominated by Dr Frank Farley and Dr Stanley Krippner this year (2023), only a few months ago, for the American Psychological Association’s International Division’s “Global Citizen Award.”

My late husband entrusted me to continue his work after his passing, he often said so in his final years, and wrote it in various places including in his autobiography. He said he loved the way I communicate (as I loved the way he did!). Certainly, we had different styles, but our love for REBT and our dedication to helping others was one of the many things we had in common.

I am grateful to receive very positive feedback from individuals who attend the events, trainings, and presentations etc. that I present here in the USA and internationally. In recent times I have been invited to speak to groups of people who are dealing with issues of addiction, and some of those attendees shared that what they learned was truly life changing.

Thank you for the powerful work you do Giulio in walking your REBT/REBE talk, and helping, teaching, and inspiring so many people. Thank you for your great questions here and thank you for your part in continuing the legacy of the magnificent Albert Ellis Ph. D!

Giulio: You’re welcome! Thanks, Debbie, for your interest and the work you do and for taking time out for this chat.

Giulio is an Ed. D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He works as a Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor at a public school in Adelaide.
Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis is Adjunct Professor at Columbia Teachers College, New York. She is a licensed psychologist (Australia), licensed mental health counsellor (New York), presenter and writer. You can find out more about Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis and her work here: www.debbiejoffeellis.com