REBTOZ

My name’s Brain Bully and you most probably don’t know me and that’s a problem for you. Why? Because I am a major player in how you might feel about yourself, others and the world in general. The extreme negative emotions you may experience are always accompanied by an action or actions, which contrive against you. Yes I’m Brain Bully and I really can ‘do your head in!’ You might ask yourself at times ‘why did I do that? Or ‘why do I feel so angry when things don’t go my way?’ These questions largely go unanswered because you don’t know about me and you won’t know unless you find out. Some find out by reading and talking to others about how they might feel about things and an attentive ear may pick up on little snippets of tell-tale signs that I am somewhere lurking deep within you. This insight can be the beginning of a self-help journey that may in time purge your mind of me, an alien menace that resides in your deep and dark subconscious self. But it isn’t exactly accurate to sugge...

I believe that our emotional and behavioural dysfunction is linked to the philosophies we have constructed over time and which we practise and reinforce unconsciously. Albert Ellis and others assert that our anger, anxiety and other emotional ills are constructed ergo they can be deconstructed. “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” Marcus Aurelius   Marcus Aurelius Why does Sharon feel so sad and aggrieved? Where does her own personal beliefs come from? This fictitious account of Sharon's early learning might shed some light on this. Little Sharon was taught that she should always use her manners and that others should too. If she waved to someone who waved at her ‘that was good’, she was a ‘good girl’ to do this. Her parents said ‘good girl.’ Her parents would say how rude it was when others didn’t show the same standard of manners ...

The student continues to explore the idea that events don’t cause our extreme ill feelings but rather it is our interpretation or thinking about them that does. The belief we are worthwhile only when others do is an errant philosophical view and our student is beginning to realise that his unrealistic demand that others MUST like him to be likeable is doing him a disservice. In the counselling office in a school in South Australia Counsellor:    You say that you feel anxious when you think you have ‘offended’ someone. Is that fair to say? Student:   Yes I want people to be happy. I hate it when they feel bad because of me. Counsellor:   It would appear that you believe you are responsible for how others feel. You say you ‘made him upset.’ Would that also mean that you believe others ‘make you upset?’ Student:   Yes. People can make me upset and I can upset others. Counsellor:    I want to talk about a ‘must’ rule that people m...

This 14 year old student has had a reasonable week. He has been aware of how his anxiety has ebbed and flowed in his interactions with others and is monitoring his self-talk. He is very careful about what he says and how he says it and is quick to help and encourage others with enthusiasm. Other students have commented that he is ‘overly helpful and encouraging’ at times and would prefer he ‘relax a bit.’ Counsellor : G’day. How’s it going? Student : I’m fine. I’ve been thinking about our last chat and I think it’s true that I worry too much about what others think. Counsellor: You’re not alone, and it’s useful that you have been thinking about your anxiety and what might be causing it. Last time we spoke we talked about ‘needing the approval of others.’ Do you recall? Student: Yeah. I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I do want to be liked by others. Isn’t it OK to want be liked by everyone? Counsellor : Can you be liked by everyone? Do you think this is a ...