THINKING FEELING DOING

Behaviour is linked to how we act and feel and Albert Ellis' ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance is a useful tool to help us (teachers, counsellors, parents) understand what is 'making' that behaviour. 

Should ought and must believing characterise a mindset that generates extreme negative feelings and self defeating behaviours. These constructions have taken away the individuals ability to think and act independently. How?

Conditioned to live up to the expectations of others may render the individual impotent, powerless and paralysed. Consider young Sharon who was brought up to be a good girl. Her parents told her that she should always 'be' polite and she should never 'be' impolite. Polite people were good and 'impolite' people were bad. Sharon strove to be a good girl and to please her parents who would tell her how good she was when she did good. You know the story. Sharon developed extreme anxiety about making mistakes and 'disappointing' others. She would often not attempt things if she thought there was a chance she could stuff up etc etc. All up Sharon danced to the beat of someone elses drum:

• I must do well and achieve my goals
• I must not offend, disappoint, let others down
• I should always be polite 
• Others should treat me well; they're bad if they don't 

..and the list goes on.

Ellis coined some interesting turns of phrase like musturbation; the tendency to think in musts (and oughts and shoulds). Rational Emotive Behaviour Education helps children develop the ability to question and challenge what underlies the extreme unhelpful emotions and behaviours that conspire against them. Better to think in preferences like:

• I'd prefer to reach my goals and succeed. (It's OK to try and fail I am not a failure).
• I'd prefer others to approve of me and appreciate my qualities and capabilities. (It's OK for others to challenge and criticise my actions or other qualities. My worth is not at risk unless I believe it is!)
• I'd like things to work out for me. (I expect that life will throw up challenges to me - that's how it goes!)

A habit of doing something is linked to a habit of thinking (believing) something. The habit of doing won't change until the habit of thinking that underlies it is changed. This can only be done if the students:

• Know that thinking feeling and doing are connected
• Know what they believe 'makes' them act and feel as they do
• Work hard to replace their 'must' beliefs with 'preference' thinking

A rational and healthy perspective on the self

Sofi's Choice - helpful or unhelpful?

Sofia was new to the country and was vivacious and good humoured. She was an enthusiastic student, who worked hard at her studies and had a wide circle of friends. She had a ready smile and a caring nature, sensitive to the needs of others, a delight to teach.

On many occasions she would accompany me on yard duty and we would talk about things and inevitably the topic of discussion would turn to friendships and her concern about a particular student who did not seem to like her. This student would generally ignore her and chose not to associate with her in the classroom or in the yard. Sofia would become tearful and I would ask why she felt so sad. She said that she didn’t understand why this student didn’t seem to want to be her friend as ‘everyone else liked me, why doesn’t she?’ On another occasion Sofia said she wasn’t happy because this student wasn’t her friend and she would say ‘she makes me sad.’ As a Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy counsellor I used some of the REBT strategies I had learned. According to REBT Sofia was ‘musting, oughting and shoulding,’ that is believing that her fellow student ‘must’ like her and that it was so awful (awfulising) that she couldn’t stand it. To add to her sadness Sofia believed that there must be something wrong with her! There must be something about her that the other student didn’t like and that this was all Sofia’s fault!

And so our discussions began to take on a philosophical note. I asked Sofia how this other person ‘made’ her sad. Sofia said that she ‘should’ be my friend and if she was then she could be happy. So I said, ‘you feel sad because she won’t be your friend and that you can only be happy if she becomes your friend.’ Sofia agreed that this was so and this became the basis of our further talks. We talked about a ‘perfect world’ and what that meant. We agreed that it would be nice if everyone we liked liked us in return and that everything we wanted to achieve we achieved. We talked about perfectionism and how it was unrealistic to expect that everything should go our way all the time. We can work hard to get an A+ and fall short, we can try to make friends with others we like but we may not always meet their approval. This is the way the world works. Sofia agreed and could see the wisdom of what we were talking about. So we returned to what Sofia believed, what her philosophy about herself, others and the world was. Sofia understood that her unrealistic oughting, shoulding and musting were making her sadness (‘she should like me’, ‘I must get her approval’, ‘she is bad because she won’t be my friend’, ‘I am unlikeable, I can’t stand this and it’s awful’). This insight was the turning point for Sofia, as she understood that her desire for a perfect world was an unrealistic expectation. I asked her, ‘must other people you like always like you in return?’ ‘Is it awful when you don’t get an A+ for your assignments even when you tried your best?’ ‘Are others bad if they don’t approve of you or like you?’ ‘Are you an unlikeable no good person because she doesn’t approve of you?’ Sofia answered with a resounding ‘NO!’

So we talked about helpful, rational thinking that would be healthier. I asked Sofia to challenge and change some of the unhelpful beliefs she held to be true.

I said, ‘must you always do well and achieve your goals.’ Sofia said, ‘No. It is better to believe that, ‘I will work hard to achieve my goals. I would like to achieve my goals but I don’t always have to.’ Why is this better?’ I asked. ‘It is not realistic to always get what you want. That is not how the world works!’ she said. She added that she would keep trying anyway.

What about the belief that, ‘people you like must like you in return and always approve of you?’ Sofia said, ‘this is not realistic either. People don’t have to like me. They can make their own choices.’

What about the belief, ‘you are unlikeable; you have nothing to like. You are a nerd.’ Sofia said, ‘this is not true. I have other friends. I have many positive qualities so I can’t be worthless or unlikeable!’

Construction in progress

So it transpired that Sofia became more comfortable with herself and the world and she could now accommodate and accept that her fellow student did not want to be her friend, that it was OK, that it was disappointing but not awful and she was still OK. She didn’t need her approval at all!

Sofia’s errant, irrational philosophical beliefs have been challenged and modified to become more rational (self and other helpful). Thus Sofia is not unhealthily anxious, angry or depressed (unhealthy negative emotions) because she hasn’t got what she wants (to have her fellow class member as a friend). She now tends to be healthily concerned and disappointed (healthy negative emotions) as she would have preferred (and not demanded) to have the friendship and approval of her classmate.

Sofi likes elephants

REBT in Schools - The ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance

Kids who present with anger, anxiety, depression have an A=C constructed view of the world, themselves and others e.g. I am angry (C) because you (A) made me angry. It was your fault I did what I did.

This view is underpinned by an irrational set of core beliefs of which there are many. The main ones are:

• I must get what I want
• You must give me what I want
• And life should be easy

These beliefs are learned, deeply (unconciously) embedded and students will not know this unless it is taught to them. That's where Rational Emotive Behaviour Education comes in.

Educators at Para Hills Primary teaching REBT through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education

We would like students to understand how their thinking, feeling and behaving are interconnected so that they can begin to learn how to manage themselves more effectively. I.e. we want them to understand that A+B=C which is Albert Ellis' ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance. This is a useful theory and is a constructivist model. Dig down a little into Seligmans Positive Psychology, Glassers' Choice Theory, Becks CBT etc and this model is front and centre.

Wouldn't it be helpful if the academics and leaders in education copped on and invested in this kind of teaching and learning in schools which at very little cost has significant potential for positive mental health outcomes for all students! Albert Ellis would have a strong preference for this to happen!

Children aren't the only A=C philosophers - we all do it!

Don't Give In Mr. Chin!

It’s useful for children to be taught about the value of hanging in there when the going gets tough. The act of doing the hard stuff is driven by the belief that ‘I can hang tough in tough situations.’ This thinking becomes habitual the more the child negotiates difficult situations successfully. Teachers and parents can help their young charges develop this very important capability in a fun way.

Read this story to your students about Mr. Chin. 

Let me introduce Mr. Chin. He is married to Mrs. Chin. They live in a house in a place called ChiniChinChin. They are the Chins from ChiniChinChin and they have a problem. Mr. Chin gives in.

Mr. Chin would start jobs around the house and he would get tired and not finish them.  He would say ‘I give up’ and he would have a rest and fall asleep.

He dug half a hole in the garden and built half a shed. He mowed half the lawn and shaved half of his beard. He did look funny!

Mrs. Chin said, ‘Have you finished your job Mr. Chin?’ But Mr. Chin was fast asleep in his favourite chair.

Mr. Chin went to the doctor and said ‘I give in when I have tough jobs to do.’ He said ‘you have give in disease.’

‘What’s that?’ Mr. Chin asked. He said, ‘when the job gets tricky you think ‘this is too hard and you give up.’ This stops you from being successful. This is Success Stopper thinking!’

'What will I do doctor? I’m not being successful and my jobs are not finished and Mrs. Chin is sad too.'

He said:

If you want to feel much better

And get all your jobs done

This is what you need to do

And you can have some fun!

When you want to stop

And you are about to give in

Instead of resting in your chair

Say ‘DON’T GIVE IN MR. CHIN!’

Mr. Chin went home and told Mrs. Chin what the doctor had said and Mrs. Chin listened carefully.

The next day when Mr. Chin had mowed half the lawn he said to himself, ‘this is too hard. I think I’ll give up.’ Then he remembered what the doctor told him and said, ‘DON’T GIVE IN MR CHIN!’ And guess what? Mr. Chin finished the whole lawn and he felt very good. Mrs. Chin was happy too.

If you drive past the Chins from ChiniChinChin you will notice that everything is finished! Well-done Mr. Chin. You didn’t give in!’

When your child or student is trying hard say:

‘Don’t give in Mr. Chin!’

When your child or student has completed a task say:

‘You didn’t give in Mr. Chin!’

When your child or student is giving up say:

‘Don’t give in Mr. Chin!’

If they try hard and still don’t quite get there ensure them that sometimes things can be too hard but they kept trying and that’s OK.

Whyalla Foreshore - Whyalla, South Australia