What is nice? One person’s nice is not necessarily another
person’s nice. How do we know we are nice is another consideration. People
might comment on how obliging so and so is, that they are always available and
seem so selfless and caring. This feedback either directly or via others might
be comforting or assuring; it may also be affirming. Is this healthy?
Niceness can be healthy if there is no sense of unreasonable obligation
to general others attached to it. That is, one has a healthy dedication to
one’s own needs and wants. She knows what these are and tends to them without
fear or favour. She is not addicted to the needs, demands and appraisals of others.
She intuitively understands that her worth is not dependent on others (unless allowed!). As
Eleanor Roosevelt said:
If we worry about how others view us and we learn to need
the affirmation of others we put ourselves at risk. What happens when we don’t
get the acknowledgement we seek? What happens when our niceness isn’t rewarded?
What happens when we don’t get what we have learnt we must have, the
affirmation of our niceness; of us? Michelle Martin would say that we would be
living in the realm of the overly nice; where we are too nice.
Self-esteem is a concept that is used in many contexts when
discussing mental health and well being. It is used to describe how a person
views oneself. She makes estimations of her worth and usefulness; she makes
assessments of her deeds and accomplishments and may ascribe a grade to her
total efforts.
Some like Dr Albert Ellis who created Rational Emotive Behaviour
Therapy regards self-esteem to be detrimental to our mental health because it
is conditional. How one esteems oneself is variable and can wax and wane
depending on circumstances. This is self-defeating according to Ellis who
asserts:
Ellis’ REBT talks about unconditional self-acceptance, the
belief that our worth is not negotiable and can’t be attached to others
assessment of us or how well or badly we may perform at tasks. This idea is
taught to students in many schools and of course in the counselling context to
help people develop a kind of ‘psychological muscle' or immunity to help deal
with failure and rejection. Jonas Salk (creator of the polio vaccine) to Martin Seligman said:
"If I were a young scientist today, I would still do immunisation. But instead of immunising kids physically, I'd do it your way. I'd immunise them psychologically."
So are you a 'self esteemer' or a 'self-accepter' and how do
these relate to niceness? Is there a healthy nice and an unhealthy nice?
Self esteemers may get caught up with pleasing others and
ascribing self-worth to personal achievement. One may seek the approval of
others and in doing so will ignore personal wants, needs and aspirations. This
may in turn cause anger, anxiety, resentment and depression so strong is the
need to please.
Self-accepters will not feel so obliged to others. They will
consider their own needs and desires which reflect a healthy and unconditional
sense of self-worth. They will not need (though they may desire/prefer) the
approval of others nor will they always have to succeed at tasks (though they
may want to) because they understand that their worth is inviolable and will
remain intact even when things don’t go so well.
Are you a nice 'self accepter' or a too nice 'self esteemer?'
