The narcissist has an approval need receptacle somewhere in their subconscious. It leaks like a sieve it seems, and the more its fed by admiring others, the need to be admired never diminishes, it just intensifies. No matter how much they are adored and revered, too much is never enough. They are constantly in ‘tell me how much you love me mode.’ If we were to suggest a rule that drives this kind of need it might be:
‘I need your
approval for me to feel OK about myself.’
Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, created by Albert Ellis,
would suggest, that this kind of need is characterised by an attitude of demand,
a belief that one must get what one wants i.e., the approval of others because only then will one feel OK about themselves.
This is what Ellis calls ‘musturbatory’ thinking, where the person believes
they absolutely must have the approval of others if they are to feel OK, to have and maintain positive self-worth.
This need puts that person at considerable risk because they
can only feel ok if they receive the positive affirmation of others. In other words,
they believe that they are only OK if others say or indicate that they are.
These beliefs are forged over time as the young child is socialised in ways that
conveys the message ‘you are OK only if I think you are.’
‘Depression and
anxiety are linked to conditional acceptance of self.’
People can be helped to challenge and change their
irrational expectation that they need the approval of others to be worthwhile
and as a Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor this is my core business. The
goal is to help them understand that their worth is unconditional, they can
develop unconditional self-acceptance, if they commit to some hard work!
But what of the narcissist school leader, whose addiction to others’ approval,
seems never ending? Can they be supported and guided beyond the self-defeating need
to be admired, loved, approved, and adored by others? The answer is no, not
likely. The narcissist cannot admit that they may have any kind of
psychological deficit, as this would not fit the image of themselves as the perfect
person they believe they are. They cannot admit to any fault that would
challenge this illusion.
‘The narcissist
cannot allow others to see that they are really insecure and unhappy individuals.’
Not only do they seek the approval of their acolyte friends and
colleagues, but they also believe they are entitled to it and others must regard them
in the high esteem to which they have grown accustomed. So, they surround themselves
with those who are prepared to feed their need to be loved, and this reverence must be on tap, available at all times, as the narcissist cannot accept themselves unconditionally.
Look out those who aren’t taken in by the machinations of
the narcissist; they become the enemy. As they don’t join in the ‘tell me how great
I am’ game they fall foul of the delusional egoist. They are not in their circle
of preferred others and will become targets of intimidation and exclusion. Such
personal attacks are targeted, persistent and enabled by trusted others. The narcissist
believes they deserve this as they don’t give them what they are entitled to,
unconditional admiration and support. This is bullying!
‘A narcissist considers
only their needs, wants and desires. These are their priorities and others become
invisible.’
As I write this, I can appreciate that it may appear that I
have some kind of obsessive preoccupation with what is termed NPD, Narcissist Personality
Disorder. I am of course interested in this as a counsellor but also as someone
who has had to negotiate the behaviours of this personality type in my own experiences
in schools as a school leader, educator, and counsellor. I am and have been
wary and I have chosen not to get involved in the narcissists need to have me ‘on
side’ as an enabler. Hence, I have experienced the ignominy of banishment to
the periphery of acceptance, respect, and inclusion. Demoted to the outer so to
speak.
This is a list of some things that the narcissist school
leader will do to keep their coveted position:
- Encourage and support those sycophant others who agree with
them and do their bidding
- Reward preferred others with gifts and other privileges
- Invite them to join their circle of friends (would you be my FB friend?)
- Spread unsubstantiated rumours about targeted others
- Enlist the help of their enablers to dismiss and demean the
work of others
- Use their ‘spies’ to report back to them about what others
are doing
- Instruct enablers to ignore and exclude others
- Maintain their overinflated sense of importance at all costs
- Fantasise about power, success, and image
- Take advantage of others, taking credit from others
- Dismiss the needs and feelings of others
'When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but you stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did.' ― Jill Blakeway
How does this behaviour go unchecked? This is a good question and may be addressed at another time on this blog.
