My Toy is Broken and So Am I!

Dr. Albert Ellis uses the term ‘upsetness’ to describe a persons’ emotional discomfort when something unwanted has occurred. He says the intensity of the person’s ‘upsetness’ is not caused directly by the event or happening itself. Of course the event has a bearing on the emotional and behavioural outcome but that’s not the whole story.

Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of REBT

A young 7 year old student at my school was out of sorts; crying and quite inconsolable. After a while when he had gathered himself a little, we began to chat about what had happened. His favourite squishy toy had a small puncture and it was oozing its white fluid contents.

He clearly saw this as a significant unwanted occurrence that initially triggered extreme emotional discomfort. Why did he feel as he did? Or more specifically why was his emotional response to the situation so extreme?

Firstly, why is the child’s emotional response considered extreme? We can agree that the child was feeling upset but perhaps that may not best describe the intensity of his upset. A word that comes to mind is ‘distraught’ to describe his emotional state and this would register pretty high up on the emotional thermometer, where upset might rate lower.

The Emotional Thermometer

To feel annoyed or upset is, according to REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy), a healthy negative emotion in that it doesn’t render the person incapable of going about their daily business. The situation would be deemed a minor inconvenience rather the catastrophe it appears to be in this case. Distraught, conversely, is regarded as an unhealthy negative emotion in that the person experiencing it may be disabled for a while; so upset they can’t go about the normal day to day things they would ordinarily be doing.

So why ‘distraught’ and not ‘upset?’ REBT describes a habit of thinking called ‘catastrophising’, where the person believes that what has happened is indeed a catastrophe; the worst thing that can ever happen! This is true for this young child, as at that moment in time he believes that the fact his squishy toy is broken is so awful a happening that he cannot abide the reality (to him) that it has happened.

Dr. Ellis explains when a person has constructed a belief that ‘things must always be as I want them to be’ and that it’s ‘not fair when they don’t and that it’s the worst thing that could ever happen!’ they will find themselves feeling distraught rather than upset when things go awry. Indeed, it may be so bad and awful (awfulising) that it cannot be tolerated (Icantstandititis!). It may be or become a characteristic of that person’s general disposition; something peculiar to him.

Ellis believed we are the architects of our own misery or happiness because we construct the beliefs that underlie our emotional and behavioural dispositions. If it is that this young child is constructing a self-defeating belief like ‘things must always be as I want them to be’ how can this be addressed? What can the educator, carer, counsellor do?

Constructivism

If we accept that our young students’ emotional and behavioural responses to unwanted events is due to his developing (in construction) beliefs about how the world ‘should’ work then we may be able to help him deconstruct and rework those ideas and perspectives to accommodate a more rational world view.

After the young person had gathered himself we talked about the possibility that even though his broken toy constituted a major disruption to his life, could he help himself feel better now and if other ‘bad’ things happen again?

• v  We established that what happened was true (a fact) i.e. his toy was broken.
• v  We agreed that we both thought the toy was broken and that others would also agree with us.
• v  We talked about what he thought about what happened and decided that this was not true for everyone; not a fact, because different people would think differently about it.
• v  We talked about other bad things that can possibly happen e.g. hurting his leg, his dog falling ill etc. and we constructed a list of possible problems. We constructed a catastrophe scale.
• v  We talked about where the broken toy event fits in the scale and we agreed that it registered far below other more serious possible happenings.
• v  We agreed that his broken toy event was not the worst thing that could happen and it wasn’t a catastrophe.

We wrote down old thinking and new thinking as follows:

• v  Old thinking: ‘My toy is broken and it is the worst thing that can ever happen. It shouldn’t have happened and I can’t stand it.’
• v  New thinking: ‘My toy is broken but there are other worse things that can happen. This is not the worst thing can ever happen and I can stand it’ (I accept it has happened).

Old thinking: Distraught. New thinking: Upset

The young person would have to work on himself because his default position is ‘things must be the way I want them to be’ but as time goes by and he works hard to remind himself, the ‘distraught’ emotional events will become rarer as he reconstructs his new, more robust way of thinking and believing! 

When the Shit Hits the Fan - REBT, kids and self regulation

Shit and fans have been part of our vernacular for as long as I can remember. Pear and shaped ditto. These words together help describe colloquially situations that are unwelcome. Pain and arse also come to mind!

What to do when the proverbial hits the wotsit? The amount of the proverbial and size of the fan is significant; how big is the problem? The amount and size is relative to how we may perceive the situation or how we 'estimate' the severity of it! As Marcus Aurelius said: 

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” 

Is the problem of catastrophic proportions, pretty big or just a pain? Young children find it useful to learn about the catastrophe scale. This scale helps them see how problems can be arranged in terms of how big/significant they are to the young person. They learn to ask themselves 'is it as bad as..?' If not then this little shift in thinking will have a beneficial payoff i.e. 'this isn't as bad as I initially thought it was and now I feel less angry/sad..'

Learning how to regulate emotional and behavioural responses to situations requires some insight into how thinking is connected to feeling and behaving. Daily teaching of this will help the child develop a habit of stopping, establishing how she feels at a particular moment and then to ask 'what am I thinking/what am I telling myself about this problem? (what is my estimate of what's happening?). The child will become well practised in judging the badness of what is happening according to her own constructed catastrophe scale.

Of course in practising this yourself you are also teaching those around you. Your children are always watching you!

'Just be positive' (and other useless advice) - an REBT perspective

The 70's and 80's heralded the introduction of the 'warm fuzzies' movement. I recall a colleague saying thanks for the 'warm fuzzies' when congratulated on something he'd done. He and others would talk about giving and receiving warm fuzzies and how if you 'just be positive' things will work out in your favour. I'm all for people feeling OK and encouraging others but I would recoil at the mere mention of them (warm fuzzies).

And the word 'just' invoked a level of discomfort; as if you could flick a switch and all would be well! Just think positive. Just believe in yourself. Just have faith in yourself. You are special etc. This as useful as responding to someones concerns relative to how 'this happened to me. I know exactly how you feel. Just think positive!'

Sometimes all you can do is listen and that's good enough. We can feel compelled to fill the wordless void by offering platitudes and assurances that may not be useful to the person who is in need of a 'friendly ear.'

Now I do believe that thinking positively is a useful thing to do. There's a difference however between thinking you're OK and believing you're OK. What's the difference? The former can be fanciful and warm fuzzyish (I told myself I'm OK when you ignore me but I still feel like shit!) the latter is more substantial (I know I'm OK even if you don't think so - disappointed not depressed!)

The need to be needed?

Self belief takes work. It's a journey from intellectual insight (I understand what this means) to emotional insight (I now act and feel according to my practised and established unconditional self acceptance belief).

This work will take the student or client to places of risk where failure and possible criticism and admonishment from others may ensue. You know you are on your way when your sense of self belief remains in tact even when you are under siege; you are healthily disappointed or upset but not depressed. You resolve to try again because now you know (believe) you are OK no matter what.

This is taught to students in schools through the Rational Emotive Behaviour Education in Schools program. Based on Albert Ellis' ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance students are taught that their worth is never contingent on how others view them or how well or badly they perform at a task.

It takes work and practise to develop new habits of thinking i.e. You

• Gain insight into what you believe to be true or false
• Challenge the errant irrational belief you may hold - what evidence supports this belief?
• Deconstruct old thinking habits and build new ones - practise, try things that you may not have tried and experience success and failure
• Develop the psychological muscle that will keep you strong especially when challenged

When a person is truly self accepting she is more inclined to open herself up to new opportunities and experiences because she no longer surrenders her worth to the opinion of others or the mistakes she will inevitably make.

Forget warm fuzzies and invest in some self acceptance learning.

Parenting and Language - an REBT perspective

'I cant stand it when people don't acknowledge me when I wave to them!' says the TV celebrity. 'I can't stand rude people. They make me so angry!' So exclaimed well known celebrity X on a popular morning show. What is she declaring when speaking so? What shoulds oughts and musts are implied in this statement?

Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellors would, as Albert Ellis put it, 'cherchez le shoulds' in the counselling discourse. What 'thinking rules' underscore her tendency to judge another's personhood (they are rude!) based on a particular disagreeable act? Why would such a behaviour be so disagreeable that she couldn't stand it? What is making her so mad?

Irrational Perspective

1. A person can act badly but does this make her totally bad? If someone acts rudely is she a rude person? Thinking rule: She should acknowledge me! (No she shouldn't)

2. Why can't she tolerate what is a relatively minor inconvenience. Surely there are many more problems that carry more weight in terms of their 'badness.' Thinking rule: 'I can't stand it when I don't get my way. I should get what I want. This is a catastrophe!' (no you shouldn't and no it's not)

3. How does another person make her mad? Wouldn't annoyed be more commensurate with what could be perceived as a minor inconvenience? Thinking rule: 'Other people are responsible for how I feel and behave. They should not do what they they do!' (no they're not and why shouldn't they?)

Rational Perspective

1. People can not notice me for a myriad of reasons either intentionally or unintentionally. They are not bad people for doing this. Thinking rule: 'I prefer people to act courteously and respectfully but they don't have to.'

2. In the scheme of things someone not waving back to me is at worst a minor inconvenience and hardly catastrophic. Thinking rule: 'I can stand (tolerate) small problems. There are worse things that can happen.'

3. How I feel about situations is linked to how I think about them. Thinking rule: 'I can control how I feel and act if I think about my thinking.'

These two perspectives on the same event will generate two different behavioural and emotional responses, one healthy and the other unhealthy and self defeating.

These principles are taught to students from early childhood onwards in a growing number of schools in South Australia through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education.

Celebrity X above will be teaching her children that:

1. People who do bad are bad.

2. When people don't behave as they should do it can't be tolerated and is a big deal. (This shouldn't happen)

3. Other people and events are responsible for how they feel and behave. (they're not getting what they should get and it's a catastrophe when they don't)

Children learn form their significant other mentors. They are always watching us closely!

Powerful parenting

Parenting and Mental Health - be careful of what you say!

The young student was sure he was a bad kid. ‘How do you know that?’ I asked. ‘I make my mum angry all the time’ he said. ‘Tell me about the last time you made her angry’ I enquired. ‘The other day when I wouldn't brush my teeth. I wanted to watch the TV longer and she got madder and madder. It’s my fault. She said I made her mad. My mum would be happier if I was a good kid.’

I'm a bad kid!

This is typical of this student who believes he’s bad based on the evidence he has had before him. What evidence might that be? What sense (or non-sense) has he made from his experiences to date? What conclusions has he drawn about himself, others and the worlds (life)? Not very helpful or healthy ones it would appear!

Constructivist theory would say that our young subject has constructed some unhelpful ‘habits of thinking and believing’ and he has concluded:

• He is bad because he does bad things (I don’t like me)
• He makes his mum mad (She doesn’t like me)

Where do you start, counselling wise with this young and intelligent student? What thinking/believing rules does he possess that accounts for his ongoing anger and depression?

Let’s consider the ‘I am bad’ theory. He has made and makes poor choices. We can call those choices bad if we like but he is not bad as he believes he must be. He will feel depressed about this unless he learns how:

For the child

• His thinking is connected to how he feels and behave
• Some thinking rules are not helpful (irrational)
• To dispute/challenge those habits of thinking

Knowing this and believing it i.e. ‘I am not my behaviour I am OK but my behaviour isn’t’ takes a bit of effort and he can’t do this by himself. He needs help.

Let's think about this

For the parent

• Stop telling him he is bad/naughty/a pain – he is none of these
• He does not make you mad. Take responsibility for how you feel and behave - you make you mad!
• Start using feedback that is behaviour specific and avoid global rating terms like naughty/lazy/bad/good
• Work on your own self-worth and tell the child what you are doing e.g. ‘I am practising my helpful thinking rule of I’m OK even if I make a mistake. I am reminding myself about this.’
• Tell him that your love for him is unconditional and never at question

The kind (quality) of language used in interactions between parent and child is critical as briefly outlined above. Be warned that children will start to rate themselves good or bad if they conflate behaviour with being – they are not what they do!

I am not what I do. I'm OK!

Albert Ellis, REBT and the Over-Nurtured Child

What is a Bonsai child ? It's a new term to describe the child who has been over tended to, fussed over and over supervised. When something happens at school an enquiry is needed to get to the bottom of 'why Isabella fell out with her friend and what did the school do about it as she is such a sensitive child!' Is Isabella temporarily sad or is she depressed. Could be either but it's important to know the difference. 

Clinical psychologist and researcher Judith Locke writes in her book The Bonsai Child "A sense of melancholy is labelled depression; any trepidation is labelled anxiety. A friendship fight is bullying." The Bonsai Child is her term for children who are over-nurtured.

Michael Carr-Gregg talks about marshmallow kids a generation of children who are afraid to fail. Do they experience healthy disappointment when they don't achieve their goals and wants or do they feel unhealthily depressed and angry about not getting what they want? Are these children being conditioned to be so by over zealous parenting of the 'bonsai' and 'helicopter' kind? 

President of the Australian Primary Principals Association Dennis Yarrington says. "We used to say they're a little bit nervous, now they're suffering from anxiety or depression. They're adult words.'' He goes on to say that, ''students need to be taught strategies to deal with challenges, but sometimes parents' first reaction was to ship them off to a specialist "because that's what people do".

Parents, teachers and all adult mentors and supervisors of children would do well to acquaint themselves with counselling models that can explain how strength of emotion is driven by the beliefs and expectations a person has about life and living. Cognitive and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapies are highly effective.

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education teaches children from early childhood to high school (and beyond) that they are constructivists. They have ingrained and well practiced beliefs about themselves, others and life. What are they? Are they helpful/unhelpful? Rational or irrational? How are they linked to how they feel and act? What can they do when things don't go their way? Can they learn reconfigure their personal 'habits of believing' and use them to help them deal with challenge and disappointment? 

As many as one in 10 children have mental health disorders according to a national survey by the University of Western Australia published in recent weeks. What can schools do? One effective tool in helping children learn how to survive challenge and thrive in spite of it is to teach them about Albert Ellis' ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education (REBE). You can read more about REBE in items throughout this blog if you want more information or you you can visit Albert Ellis' Official Page for up to date news about the late Albert Ellis and REBT.

Albert Ellis on 'whining'

In the meantime take some time to view this YouTube post where Albert Ellis talks about the tendency to whine and whinge often over things we imagine to be worse than they actually are. Enjoy!