Breaking Approval Dependence (BAD)

 

Written by a past member of Approvalists Anonymous (AA), a support group for those who are at risk of becoming ‘love slobs.’ An REBT perspective (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) on this debilitating psychological impediment to happiness and success.

‘I need to be needed. (Oh no you don’t!)’

‘It’s been two weeks since I sat and stewed about how an insignificant other esteems me,’ proclaimed the primary school teacher to the others in the group. Everyone nodded their approval of the reforming approvalist before them, and their fortitude grew as the teacher expounded their newfound belief; ‘what I think of me is more important than how you might assess my personhood.’ ‘Bravo!’ They exclaimed in unison as the AA member added, ‘what you think of me is none of my business!’ As the AA member emerged from the meeting into the cool autumn night, they thought to, ‘I approve of me, and I’m OK no matter what!’

To break a habit of a lifetime is no easy task. There are a few steps to Breaking Approval Dependence (BAD) and it takes considerable focus and energy to move into the zone of unconditional self-acceptance, where you will be inclined to automatically respond to criticism in a healthy and rational way so that your new and rational sense of who you are stays intact. It is essentially a question of finding out why you feel extra sensitive to criticism; what irrational, nonsensical habits of thinking have you constructed over time? Can you challenge their veracity with the clarity of reason and fact, and not indulge in fanciful notions and imagined, pie in the sky concocted ideas?

‘If you have constructed irrational ideas about yourself, you can deconstruct them!’

Our teacher friend discovered that whilst they might prefer the approval of others, they didn’t need it to consider themselves worthwhile. They understood that this was a belief constructed over time, a thinking rule that was fed by those closest to them. They learned to depend on the approval of those who pinned labels of good, bad, clever, dumb on them, words that could define their worth as human beings.

‘I must not fail, or I’ll let my parents down. They will be disappointed.’

Once they understood that words, positive or otherwise, couldn’t define them and they accepted this to be true, they then began to feel better about situations that might challenge their sense of self. And of course, there was the homework. How else can you deconstruct and replace bullshit ideas about yourself without constant vigilance and introspection? Our teacher made time each day to reflect on the day, mindfully reviewing happenings and their emotional and behavioural response to them. Were they measured? Did they reflect their new ideas about their ‘self?’ Or did they react in a more neurotic manner? Do they remind themselves each day that they are not the opinion of others, and they are not their failings nor are they, their triumphs?

‘Irrational ideas can breech our psychological defences if we are not vigilant.’

The reforming AA teacher understood the power of confidence and self-belief. Each day started with a simple affirmation that no matter what happened, no matter how their foundation belief of unconditional self-acceptance was challenged, they would remain firm in this belief.

‘I’m OK even if others think otherwise.’

This simple statement of self-worth would become in time, an unbreakable and unbreachable belief that would help them forge ahead in their personal and professional world. But there was other work to be done.

The teacher thought, ‘if I’m OK no matter what, and people’s opinion of me, good or bad cannot define me then I want to prove this to be true. I want to put myself in a situation of great discomfort, to challenge myself doing what, until this point, I would always avoid doing.’

‘What risks will I take. How will I walk my talk?’

The teacher liked maths and had some teaching ideas about engaging students, especially those who would recoil at the thought of studying something that they had decided they were no good at. Rather than engage in self-talk that would diminish the teacher’s capacity to successfully present useful ideas to peers in a confident manner the teacher would quietly say:

‘I can do this, and I have the information and the capacity to relate my ideas to others successfully.’

The teacher competently conveyed how maths could be taught in such a way that students of all ages could engage with it. The feedback was positive, and it was particularly pleasing that teachers would adopt the ideas their colleague presented to them, and they would report how successful and effective they were in stimulating student interest and improving maths competency.

‘The teacher continued to seek ways in which their confidence could be tested, professionally and personally.’

One day the teacher stopped for a moment, just after presenting a kickarse workshop on constructivist theory and early childhood acquisition of academic confidence, to reflect on how far they had travelled. The teacher thought, ‘I’ve taken a few risks over the past couple of terms, and I’ve done well in some challenges and not so in others. BUT I am not too scared to try, to put myself at risk. And you know what? I don’t question my worth based on how others might view me or how well or badly I do at stuff. I judge my actions but not myself.’

Unfortunately, the teacher still operated in an environment where ‘who you are’ and not how competent you might be, determined a person’s prospects of promotion, their worth to the organisation.

‘I don’t need their approval (though I may desire it) to know I’m a worthwhile person and teacher.’

The teacher continued to develop confidence and capacity to teach and to professionally develop others. A new job opportunity eventually enticed the teacher away to another position that was better paid; where competency, knowledge and integrity were valued over sycophancy and mediocrity.

On the teachers last AA meeting, group members stood and applauded the teacher who again declared to all that:

‘I have reached a point where I automatically think in positive, rational ways that help me deal with challenges successfully. I can deal with disappointment and criticism in a much healthier way. I am no longer at the mercy of others approval. I approve of myself.’

NB ‘Love slob’ is a term coined by the creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, Dr. Albert Ellis. Approvalists Anonymous is a made-up term and doesn’t exist.

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor in the public school system and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education.

 

 

 

Flowery Fawning Language - an REBT perspective

Flowery language is:

‘designed to have a persuasive or impressive effect, but which is often regarded as lacking in sincerity or meaningful content.’

Dr. Albert Ellis was an efficient person by all accounts and was careful to say what he meant in his writing without employing unnecessary hyperbole or using grandiose and convoluted ways to impress his audience. He didn’t need to nor did he want to.

Einstein said if you can’t explain something in simple terms you may not understand it. He encouraged people to:

“Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler.”

This is not as easy as it sounds and requires effort and consideration.

Schmaltz is another term that comes to mind to describe language used to ingratiate oneself with others; to over empathise. Sentimentality overload!

What can be the purpose of these flowery utterances in an REBT sense? What would Dr. Ellis make of those inclined to fawn over and to flatter others excessively? At which point does the message become meaningless and insincere?

Fawning is the:

‘use of people-pleasing to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships, and earn the approval of others.

The latter, to earn the approval of others, is a salient point to consider in the ‘love slobbism’ stakes. Dr. Ellis’ principle of unconditional self-acceptance describes a predisposition to believe that one is worthwhile no matter what. This psychological bulwark keeps the individual in a state of ‘ ‘OK-ness’ meaning that if people don’t approve of you or you happen to fail at something your worth cannot be diminished, unless you allow it to of course!

The ‘flowery fawner’ or the one who characteristically entreats others to like or approve of them via excessive flattery are at risk because when such approval is not forthcoming the subject is rendering themselves psychologically unwell. Why? Because their sense of worth is tethered to how others esteem them. Ellis said:

So look out for this kind of attitude in yourself or others as you may knowingly or unknowingly be leaning on others too much for your sense self-worth. Consider the following to keep yourself sane:

• What am I saying and why am I saying it?
• Do I need the approval of others to be worthwhile?
• Learn to be more self-accepting? How?
• Try new things and test my resilience if I fail or others don’t approve of me.
• Remind myself daily that what I think of myself is more important than what others think.
• Remind myself to care about what others think about me but not to care too much.

Any others?

 

The Construction of Brain Bully - It'll do your head in!

My name’s Brain Bully and you most probably don’t know me and that’s a problem for you. Why? Because I am a major player in how you might feel about yourself, others and the world in general. The extreme negative emotions you may experience are always accompanied by an action or actions, which contrive against you. Yes I’m Brain Bully and I really can ‘do your head in!’ You might ask yourself at times ‘why did I do that? Or ‘why do I feel so angry when things don’t go my way?’ These questions largely go unanswered because you don’t know about me and you won’t know unless you find out. Some find out by reading and talking to others about how they might feel about things and an attentive ear may pick up on little snippets of tell-tale signs that I am somewhere lurking deep within you. This insight can be the beginning of a self-help journey that may in time purge your mind of me, an alien menace that resides in your deep and dark subconscious self. But it isn’t exactly accurate to suggest that I am something separate from you. Rather than to describe me as a parasitic alien thing, it would be more apt to say that I am you! Wasn’t it Rene Descartes who said:

‘I think therefore I am!’

I am you in this sense because I am the thinking that undermines your ability to achieve your goals and meet your wants and desires; to acquire happiness and success. So I am you and you are me and we work together to make your life a misery unless you do something about it of course.

I am you

You are me

We work together

To make your life

A misery!

You have constructed me over time. You have observed your world and listened to others around you to work out how this game of life is played; what are the rules, how do you get what you want, how do you relate to others and what you think about yourself. Voila!

 

You think you are dumb and hopeless; you believe this to be true about you and you say to yourself often, ‘what’s the point in trying I can’t do this. I’ll never be any good.’ This is your self-talk, how you talk to yourself and this is played on a loop in your head ad nauseum. This inner chat reinforces your belief that you are what you say you are. How you feel and act is attached to this self-talk. But where is this self-talk coming from? I am the self-talk generator buzzing away within you and until you find me you are stymied! I will get stronger and stronger if you don’t locate me and end my tenancy in your head.

I am linked to the feelings you experience and the actions you take which are symptoms of something that’s not quite right for you. I am dangerous because you are not happy with your lot and you think this is the way it will always be! And that’s the way it will be if you allow me to continue on my merry way. Henry Ford once said:

‘If think you can or you think you can’t you’re right!’

What thinking rules have you constructed, your habits of thinking that lay deep down within you? If you can find out what they are you are then in a position to do something about it. Remember you have constructed these rules and you can deconstruct them and relearn new, healthy habits of thinking. You made me and you can unmake me but you don’t know that yet.

‘It’s all my fault’ you declare ‘that my life is a misery and I feel so down and aimless.’ You are right up to a point but don’t flog yourself for this because to this point you did so in ignorance. You are now becoming more aware of the idea that the beliefs you have constructed are linked to the emotions you experience and the actions you take. I am the unhelpful beliefs which underlie your feelings of unworthiness but where do they come from? It’s all to do with your story, the distance you have travelled to now. You made me remember?

As a young person you were told what to do. If you did what you were supposed to you were a ‘good girl.’ If you did badly, or made a mistake, you were chastised so you believed you were a ‘bad or naughty girl. ‘You were exposed to this kind of interaction from an early age and because you were a smart kid you deduced that if you did OK you were good and if you made a mistake you were bad. This led you on a path to seek and to need the approval of others. You would try so hard yet often you couldn’t please significant others enough which you always construed as meaning ‘you are a bad girl!’ I was born when you decided you were only worthwhile if other people gave you permission to be. Mission accomplished!

I was doing OK until some smart teacher you had in year 4 told you how you created me, and what you could do about it. This was my undoing, the beginning of my end but I didn’t go away easily. I put up a fight but to your credit you worked hard to get rid of me.

Your teacher said to you ‘your thinking is a bit crooked. You believe that you are worthwhile only if other people think you are. You have learned to believe this and it makes you sad a lot and it stops you from trying because you are too concerned about how others might judge you. This kind of thinking is called Brain Bully thinking and it is unhelpful and we are going to get rid of it before it does any more damage.’

It took a while of solid work but you were determined and though I tried hard not to I began to lose my grip on you. Something had infected my robust irrational self and you no longer tolerated me. I was like a flickering light bulb nearing the end of its life. I was no longer you and you were no longer me and in time you let go of your misery. You had worked me out, found where I lived and gave me my notice to vacate.

I am no longer you

You are no longer me

You have let go

Of your misery!

It wasn’t long before the vacancy sign had gone and you had a new tenant. You began to feel better and others noticed how you would set yourselves achievable goals and work hard to realise them. You were more adventurous in trying new things and it wasn’t such a catastrophe when things didn’t go your way. You were less reliant on how others viewed you because your approval of you was more important than others approval of you. You began to feel more comfortable around others as people began to seek out your friendship. Bugs Bunny would approve!

 

What had happened? How did this transformation come about? Well that’s another story. Stay tuned!