The ABC’s of REBE - Rational Emotive Behaviour Education

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education (REBE) is a powerful teaching tool to use in the classroom at any level. It is based on REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy). It’s been around a long time, and  started out as RET (Rational Emotive Therapy) in the 1960’s.

Dr. Albert Ellis created the theory and his counselling paradigm, the ABC Theory of Emotional (and behavioural) Disturbance, provides us with a framework for our teaching and counselling practice. As with all effective teaching it helps to know what we are doing and why. So, step one in our learning journey would be to understand what the ABC Theory is.

ABC easy as 1,2,3…

It might appear easy, but there’s more to it than meets the eye. And therein lies the genius of Albert Ellis as he took all his reading, thinking and psychotherapy practice and put it into a little package, a formula for us to use in the classroom. Indeed, Albert Ellis said a long time ago that:

‘The future of psychotherapy is in the school system.’

So, acquaint yourself with the ABC theory and begin your learning journey and remember whilst you may readily understand what the model is on first impressions, it will take a lot longer to fully appreciate what it means and this will come with practice and again as Ellis said we all need to ‘practice, practice, practice’ to get better at what we do.

And the other Albert, Albert Einstein said:

‘If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.’

The ABC Theory has a lot of layers to it and when you get to the point where you can do as Einstein said, you’re on your way. And of course, we never stop learning and the more we engage with the ABC Theory the more we will learn and discover!

The ‘A’ bit

‘A’ represents whatever happens that may evoke some kind of emotional and behavioural response to it e.g., I didn’t do so well in my driving test. Or at school a child is not included in a game at lunch break, or a child finds that when she looks in her school bag at recess, her drink and snack is not there! Any happening or event is the A component of the ABC Theory, the Activating event.

The ‘B’ bit

‘B’ represents what we believe; our personally constructed philosophy, what we think about ourselves, others, and life in general. The beliefs we have may not be something we are aware of and the ABC Theory helps us to identify what they are and to decide if they are helpful or unhelpful.

Ellis called unhelpful thinking irrational as it stops us achieving our goals i.e., for happiness and success. And helpful thinking, he called rational thinking. Any thinking, rumination about or perception, interpretation of an event or happening is the B component of the ABC Theory, what we Believe.

The ‘C’ bit

‘C’ represents how we respond emotionally and behaviourally to an event, A. When a child is not included in a game at recess for example, the event A of the ABC Theory, how she might feel and behave is the C component of the ABC Theory. Does she feel a little disappointed or does she feel enraged? What does she decide to do? How we might feel and behave in response to A, the Activating event, is the emotional Consequence of A.

And there’s more ... The D, E and F bits! 

‘D’ represents the process of challenging the identified beliefs at ‘B’ which are causing us emotional and behavioural distress at C. This stage of the ABC’s, the ‘D’ bit, stands for Disputation, where we challenge (Dispute) the veracity of what we believe at B. Are you still with me? It’s worth persisting so on to the ‘E’ bit!

‘E’ represents a new way of seeing or thinking about things because we’ve learned to appreciate that what we believed at ‘B’ of The ABC Theory, is not helpful as it is associated with extreme emotional and behavioural upset. Once we identify the habits of thinking that ail us, and we work hard to dispute them, we can replace them with more helpful, rational ones. We have a new and improved way of regarding or thinking about uninvited happenings, new effective rational thinking E.

‘F’ represents a new, improved better way of Feeling about things at A, because the irrational beliefs we once held at B of the ABC model, have been challenged (disputed) and changed to more rational ones.

And there we have it, the ABC Theory of Emotional (and behavioural) Disturbance … and the D’s, the E’s, and the F’s!

A simple example of the application the ABC (& D and E) Theory for your consideration follows.

A - A driver on the road lets someone in who doesn’t acknowledge the courteous act.

B – The driver thinks, ‘How rude! He should have waved back. What an #$%^&!!’

C- The driver feels extreme annoyance and anger and waves his fist at the other driver.

D – The drivers thinking at B is challenged e.g., why should he have waved back? Could there be any reasons why he didn’t? Is it so bad that you can’t stand it? Can you think of other things that could happen worse than this? Where do you think this sits on your catastrophe scale?

E – Next time emotions are kept in check because the driver now thinks, ‘people don’t always have to do what I think they should. This is not a big deal so I won’t make it one. He’s not ‘bad’ because he didn’t acknowledge me.’

F – The driver experiences a modified, improved way of feeling about what’s happened as at B, irrational beliefs have been identified, challenged and changed.

Know your ABC’s (and D’s and E’s)!

There are many articles available that will help you develop a greater depth of understanding and appreciation of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy and its application in schools through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. I can recommend some articles that will help you on your learning journey which you can request via the email address provided.

So, think about the above and consider if it is something you can work with in your teaching or counselling practice. Does it sit well with what you know about Social Emotional Behaviour Wellbeing teaching and learning? Can you incorporate your new learning into current practice?

P.S. You can find more information here https://debbiejoffeellis.com/ and here www.rebtnetwork.org

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education. Email: lozzog@gmail.com

What’s Unconditional Self- Acceptance?

This is warts n’ all acceptance of all the things that make up the complexity of the ‘self’,  a term we use when referring to the ‘me’ we understand ourselves to be.

We decide who we are, how our ‘selves’ are constituted, by processing and interpreting the information we glean from our environment. How do others esteem me? Do they like me?

Does my self-assessment, my own estimation of my worth, depend on the assessments of others? Or do I accept that any clanger, rejection, or failure don’t or can’t in themselves define me in a global sense i.e., my total worth or value.

If we tend to over rely on others estimation of us, we have reached a stage of ‘needing’ rather than ‘preferring’ that others view us well e.g., likeable, respected, esteemed, funny, smart.

‘I need you think I’m OK for me to be OK.’

A student once asked me if he was a good boy. I asked what he meant and he said I like it when people say I’m a good boy. I asked him how he knows when he is a good boy and he said when people ‘tell me I am.’ I asked him when he is most likely to be told he is a good boy and he replied, ‘when I do something good’ (what others expect me to do).

‘I can’t disappoint people who expect me to be good.’

He also said that when he does things that others disagree with or who may feel aggrieved about something about him, he thinks he has made them feel that way. I asked him if he thinks that other people’s feelings, like his mum’s annoyance is caused by him and he said, ‘yes.’

‘I make my mum mad!’

What has this person learned about his ‘self?’ He is learning that his worth depends on the assessment of others. He ‘is’ good or bad depending on others estimation of his worth. According to REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) he accepts his ‘self’ only on condition that he is esteemed well by others. His ‘good’ self exists only if others say it does!

That he has learned to believe that he ‘makes’ others sad or annoyed or angry puts him at considerable psychological risk. He has learned that he is responsible for how others feel and of course this is an irrational belief. He may become hyper vigilant around other people’s sensibilities, not wanting to cause any upset or discomfort to others because he’s responsible for how they feel!

Unconditional self-acceptance regards the self as a composite of too many qualities, characteristics, capabilities etc good and bad and so it doesn’t make sense to abstract one from the many and decide that it defines your you-ness.

‘Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.’ Dr. Seuss

Alas we tend to do this at times but we can self-correct e.g., I am likeable even if others may think otherwise, I am not their opinion of me. So, the warts ‘n all idea means that our OK - ness remains constant even when as fallible human beings we will inevitably stuff up.

But for those young folk who believe their worth is subject to certain conditions e.g.,  how others rate them or how well they perform at tasks, then they will benefit from knowing how they can challenge and change the irrational ideas they may hold to be true about their ‘selves.’

So how can we help young people become the best version of their ‘selves,’ one which will serve them well?

- Talk about thinking, feeling, and behaving, what they are, and how they are each connected to each other. E.g., if I BELIEVE I’m dumb, I FEEL sad and I WITHDRAW.

- We can have helpful or unhelpful ideas about ourselves, others, and life in general, our beliefs.

- We can find out what those beliefs are e.g., ‘if someone doesn’t seem to like me then I am unlikable.’ 

- We can begin to change how we think about ourselves if we learn how to think about our thinking.

Some ideas to teach unconditional self-acceptance:

- Talk about a bike and its general composition, wheels, tyres, frame, spokes etc. If a spoke on one wheel is broken, does it make sense to decide the bike is totally no good and we should get rid of it? Why or why not? One fault doesn’t make the bike (us) worthless

- If we aren’t too good at something, or we didn’t make the soccer team does that mean we are totally useless, that we are totally no good e.g., using the bike analogy above, one of our spokes might be a bit wobbly but the bike’s essentially OK (unless we decide otherwise).

- Place a few dots on a sheet of paper. Look at the page what do we notice. We might focus readily on the dots. We may also notice that most of the page is clear of any dots or blemishes. When we self-down we notice only the blemishes and decide they define us (our ‘self’ page is full of dot blemishes), that we are no good. We might however look more broadly and decide that the sheet is essentially blemish less.

It isn’t an either/or proposition, we can’t be totally bad or be totally good, we are just worthwhile, unconditionally because as Albert Ellis (creator of REBT) says, ‘we exist.’

If we consider our ‘selves’ in the context of everything that constitutes our makeup, one fault or failure or blemish can’t represent the whole. In that sense we are always OK and that’s what we teach our young charges when we teach Unconditional Self-Acceptance.

PS Unconditionally accepting ourselves doesn’t mean we elect to remain stagnant and not develop and evolve, to improve ourselves. It isn’t a license to do nothing or to e.g., break the law because ultimately ‘I’m OK no matter what.’ It is a healthy attitude of acceptance of our makeup and to work hard at the things we decide we want to get better at. Get my drift?

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor in the public school system and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education.

 

The Life and Legacy of Dr Albert Ellis, Creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy

Albert Ellis

Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis agreed to answer a few questions about her mission to keep the work and legacy of her late husband Dr Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, alive and thriving. She took time out from her busy schedule to answer some questions.

Giulio: Thanks for the chat, Debbie. Could you give us a snapshot of Dr Ellis’ childhood?

Debbie: His childhood contained a number of challenges. He suffered from various serious and painful conditions, including nephritis and migraines, from infancy onward. Al made a conscious decision that he didn’t want to feel so very sad, hence he found ways to distract himself from the deep sadness such as reading books in the hospital’s children’s library, making up games to play with children in the ward, talking with their visitors, and daydreaming about his baseball heroes and about what he wanted to do when he grew up.

Al was 3 years of age when he taught himself to read with the help of his 5-year-old friend. They would sit on the stoop in front of their building and his friend would read out loud while Al observed and, by doing so, learned to read!

He was a voracious reader, often borrowing books from his school’s library and from the New York public library, and after he’d read every book that he borrowed, and there were no books there that he hadn’t already read - he would re-read the books he’d enjoyed reading previously!

One of his dreams had been to write the great American novel, and he had also said that if he could have afforded to learn music, he would have loved to be a composer/musician. Due to the financial depression of those years, he could not afford to pay for such lessons. He was able to study for his Master’s degree and Ph.D. at Columbia University Teachers College due to his getting scholarships.

Incidentally, I teach two courses at Columbia University: Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) and Comparative Psychotherapies, in the very building in which Al did those studies! Carl Rogers also attained his degrees there a few years prior to Al doing so.

Giulio: Dr Ellis thrived on thinking, working, creating, and spreading the ‘Gospel of St Albert’. What was his motivation?

Debbie: Indeed, his life was dedicated to helping as many people around the globe as possible, of every culture, gender, religion, or lack of religion, learn that they were responsible for creating their emotional experiences. He taught that it wasn’t their circumstances, but their attitudes and beliefs, which created their emotions.

REBT is incredibly empowering for people who are genuinely wanting to change unhelpful ways, and who are willing to make ongoing effort. Having suffered so much in various ways in his earlier years, he earnestly wanted to make a profound difference to humanity by helping individuals to help themselves to prevent unnecessary suffering.

Giulio: And of course, his sense of humour. How important did he consider humour to be in the therapeutic process?

Debbie: Al considered humour to be very important and very beneficial to people who wanted to not only feel better, but to get and stay better! Humour helps us put things into healthy perspective, helps us prevent ourselves from blowing things out of proportion or minimizing them, and is very beneficial in helping bring equanimity to those who take themselves, others, and life in general tooooo seriously!!!

Giulio: I’ve read that Dr Ellis, when giving therapy, was expert at listening to his clients and parsing out those debilitating beliefs that caused them so much bother, and that he did so with warmth, empathy and of course humour. What can you tell us about Dr Ellis in practice?

Debbie: Yes, Al was a respectful and superb listener. He could practically instantly identify any of their irrational thoughts. Also, he picked up on the nuances of what was said rather than just falling for the literal words and had a very finely tuned intuitive ability that enhanced that.

He demonstrated the power to help, inspire and contribute healing guidance to those who were open to receiving those gifts, utilizing his years of experience, wisdom, knowledge, and compassion.

Giulio: Dr Ellis was originally trained in psychoanalysis in the tradition of Freud and others. He famously said that people felt better when talking to the therapist, but rarely did they get and stay better. The idea that people could learn to help themselves seemed to be a revolutionary idea at the time. Where did this thinking lead Dr Ellis?

Debbie: Yes, he was probably the first psychologist/psychotherapist to encourage self-help for people who were not severely or endogenously disturbed. That added to his unpopularity among many of therapist peers who gave long term therapy and unintentionally (or perhaps some did so intentionally) encouraged clients/patients to develop dependence on them.

The so-called “new age” period that started around the 1960/70/80s contains many Ellisonian elements, as does executive coaching which is very popular these days. Many of the current approaches in psychotherapy are based on, or significantly influenced by, the incredible contributions of my brilliant Al, the pioneering genius, visionary, humanist, scientist, artist, humourist, and so much more.

Giulio: Many people were lucky enough to be mentored by him (as indeed was I) and say they stood on the shoulders of this ‘Giant of Psychotherapy’ and Dr Ellis encouraged others. Many counselling paradigms lead back to Dr Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance, which is why he is considered the grandfather of cognitive therapy. Can you talk to this and also to his generosity and goodwill towards others in the field of psychotherapy?

Debbie: Yes indeed. He was the most generous academic I know or have ever heard of. Anyone, famous in the field or not, who sent him a manuscript asking him for his opinion, would find their manuscript returned within days – full of red markings and suggestions. The famous Dr William Glasser (Choice/Reality Theory pioneer) would often share that he sent his first manuscript for his first book to Al for Al’s feedback, and within 2 days he received it back from Al - practically re-written!

Arnold Lazarus PhD, father of Multimodal Therapy (MT) who first came up with the term ‘cognitive behaviour therapy’, credits Al for pushing him to develop, write and publish on that MT approach rather than to simply work with Al in his institute, as Arnie had originally wanted to do.

Dr Aaron (Tim) Beck, who is often thought of as the father of CT/CBT, used to give credit to Al for being a profound help and influence on his work. Al’s REBT came out in the early 1950’s, and Beck’s in the late 1960s. It is unfortunate that such facts are not being presented sufficiently by some CBT teachers, though there are some who do teach the facts. In Al’s autobiography he included letters between him and Beck. Sadly, many students these days have the wrong impression that CBT came before REBT, and don’t realize how thoroughly CBT is based on REBT.

Giulio: He advocated for the introduction of REBT principles in teaching and learning and said that ‘the future of psychotherapy is in the school system.’ This again was an idea ahead of its time as social emotional behavioural wellbeing programs are now commonplace in schools. Can you talk about his strong desire that REBT become a part of the school curriculum? What benefits did he envisage?

Debbie: Oh yes! He passionately wanted REBT principles taught to as many people as possible - and the sooner the better.
The more rigid a person’s thinking is, the more effort it will likely take for them to change it.

If people learn sound principles in childhood, there is good chance that they will develop into adults with habitual tendencies to think about their thinking (metacognize), catch and dispute irrational self-defeating thoughts, and develop the habit of thinking rationally. As a consequence of doing that, healthy emotions and behaviours are likely.

Also, one of the most important lessons in REBT is to create and maintain unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other acceptance, and unconditional life acceptance.
In the absence of those attitudes, bullying, self-downing, shame and depression are created - and one or some of those acts, attitudes and emotions can often contribute to, or be present when suicide is attempted. Prevention can be the greatest cure.

Dr Albert Ellis wanted REBT taught in every school! - Not only to students, but also to teachers, principals, admin staff, and parents.

Giulio: Can you provide the reader with information about your work in keeping the legacy of your husband, Dr Albert Ellis alive and thriving, so many years after his passing? You have a busy schedule of teaching, presentations, and workshops. What feedback are you receiving on your travels about REBT and how it is evolving in the present day?

Debbie: It is my passion and mission to do all I can to keep REBT alive and thriving, so that as many people as possible can benefit from it. I love teaching it, presenting on it, writing about it, and practicing it with my clients.

I felt humbled and honoured when I was nominated by Dr Frank Farley and Dr Stanley Krippner this year (2023), only a few months ago, for the American Psychological Association’s International Division’s “Global Citizen Award.”

My late husband entrusted me to continue his work after his passing, he often said so in his final years, and wrote it in various places including in his autobiography. He said he loved the way I communicate (as I loved the way he did!). Certainly, we had different styles, but our love for REBT and our dedication to helping others was one of the many things we had in common.

I am grateful to receive very positive feedback from individuals who attend the events, trainings, and presentations etc. that I present here in the USA and internationally. In recent times I have been invited to speak to groups of people who are dealing with issues of addiction, and some of those attendees shared that what they learned was truly life changing.

Thank you for the powerful work you do Giulio in walking your REBT/REBE talk, and helping, teaching, and inspiring so many people. Thank you for your great questions here and thank you for your part in continuing the legacy of the magnificent Albert Ellis Ph. D!

Giulio: You’re welcome! Thanks, Debbie, for your interest and the work you do and for taking time out for this chat.

Giulio is an Ed. D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He works as a Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor at a public school in Adelaide.
Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis is Adjunct Professor at Columbia Teachers College, New York. She is a licensed psychologist (Australia), licensed mental health counsellor (New York), presenter and writer. You can find out more about Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis and her work here: www.debbiejoffeellis.com

The Narcissist Boss

‘Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. . .. They justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.’ T.S. Elliott

The imagined side eyes and murmurings noticed in passing and the alleged corridor conversations fed the managers  paranoia that people were undermining his authority. ‘There’s a conspiracy afoot! They must not do this to me it’s just not fair,’ he thought.

He reflected on the demands he made of staff, seemingly all heaped upon them at once that he told himself had nothing to do with his lack of organisation or paucity of leadership skills, but more to do with the system. Yes, it was the system letting everyone down. How could it be his fault? And then there were his offsiders who were green around the gills and wasn’t he trying to get them up to speed, to develop their leadership capacities? ‘No, it’s not me he thought.’ He would not dare to even contemplate that he could be at fault, he always found it hard to look at himself in the proverbial mirror.’ ‘Staff must understand the importance of my role,’ he told himself, and that ‘any suggestion that I can’t handle it is nonsense and must be quashed.’

He would remind staff that the 'broken system' was letting them down and that good things lay ahead if they would just trust him and believe his intentions were always for the common good. ‘I am proud of you all and have the utmost respect for you,’ he declared (in private he held everyone in contempt). Yes Leadership, with a capital L, (The 'L' Team as he called it) strove to improve productivity outcomes, and to maintain the standards that the enterprise had become renowned for in the local network. He was the big cheese now and he was in his rightful place, and everyone should defer to him.

He couldn’t appreciate that there was a disconnect between what he said and what he did, and others could see what was happening. Whilst they grafted within the confines of their office walls, they would observe or others would tell them of the meetings behind closed doors where he and his lieutenants would be sitting talking, laughing, and socialising. Word filtered through also that the capital 'L' team, would order in take away when the other workers had returned to their workstations after lunch and dined together away from the office hubbub.

It wasn’t a good look either that all would attend meetings and workshops outside the office together whilst a designated stand-in would be left to manage things alone. The grapevine had it that they would drop in for takeaway on their return to work for good measure. The message was loud and clear that the 'L' team was a group of privileged and entitled others who set themselves apart from the main group. Whilst the manager would call for collegiality, trust, and cooperation he acted otherwise, and a clear schism had developed between the haves and the have nots.

But whatever problems presented, however things went awry it was the system letting everyone down! And of course, the last geezer who ran the place, whose legacy still lay heavily on his mind the burden of which he carried like Mother Theresa of Calcutta would have. It was ‘his fault and I’m left to clean up his mess,’ he reminded himself ‘and people should be grateful.’

Others came to regard the manager as inauthentic, disingenuous, and conniving. What he said to one’s face wasn’t what he said behind the backs of many who at one time would have thought of him in a different light. He was jealous of others’ achievements and wouldn’t give due credit to them unless they were part of his circle of acolyte, deferring sycophant friends. Indeed, the 'L' team was regarded more of a friendship group than an inspirational, talented, and visionary team. Whilst he implored others to walk his talk, he didn’t and that was a problem.

The manager, others observed, formed a dislike or hatred even of those who appeared to be more talented, younger, or who were more popular than he. There was conjecture amongst many that several people over the years who had moved onto other jobs fitted that description. No, he wouldn’t have had anything to do with such shenanigans whilst he served under the former manager. Or would he? Some hypothesised that it was indeed the case!

His tone of delivery in speech and in writing was of a passive-aggressive nature, a disconnect between what was said and the behaviour observed. His passive-aggressive demeanour was characterised by the ‘silent treatment’ to purposely cause discomfort or an intentional lack of communication, ‘I’ve been meaning to come by and chat,’ he would say, when in practice it had always been the case that he avoided those he regarded as a threat to his coveted position of power and authority (dad would be so proud of me he'd often say to himself). ‘Our job is a difficult one, and we are in it for our clients and their families, and it can be burdensome, but let’s hang together for the common good’ he would declare before retiring to his office to naval gaze over his trials and tribulations, and the burden he must bear for others.

The trouble with having a narcissist office leader is that colleagues with different perspectives, opinions and ideas are seen as recalcitrant and counterculture, who seek to undermine the managers authority. ‘They should know that I know what is best. They just want to see me fail,’ he would think, on a loop in his head.

Narcissists are excessively selfish and possess a sense of misplaced altruism believing that bearing imagined afflictions (‘you don’t know how much I am hurting, but I can’t burden you with my suffering’) makes them an exception amongst mortals who believe they are irreplaceable.

The question is how does one deal with such self-focussed, delusional, entitled, and mean-spirited individuals? Ignore them? Allow them to take the credit for what is not theirs and just accept the status quo? The narcissist leader won’t like that others don’t see him as he sees himself and will offer platitudes of understanding and empathy whilst planning at the same time, your demise sometime in the future (I’ll get you when you least expect it!).

Moving on to another job is often the easier option. Why hang around a person who will never have your interests at heart? Unfortunately, it seems to be that our system promotes ‘leaders’ of this ilk, and those who are the narcissists' quarry are dismissed and scapegoated. Interesting isn’t it?

Yes, life seems unfair but somewhere along the line our narcissist, bully boss will have his comeuppance!

"The world is neither for you nor against you. It doesn’t give a shit!"​

When I think about this Albert Ellis quote I think of how I have at times been ‘shackled’ to the belief that somehow the Universe is looking out for me and that it should give me what I want; what I believe I need. Such an arrogant position assumes that I’m so important that the universe should always meet my wants and needs; to take care of me and always give me what I must have. I can hear Dr. Ellis say:

‘Well good luck with that horseshit. Let me know how it works out!’

Eleanor Roosevelt said:

‘You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.’

Again why should other people regard us as we believe we should be regarded; that they meet our need to be noticed and acknowledged, liked or loved?

Dr. Ellis said that we can elect to healthily prefer that significant others esteem us and look upon us favourably, which is a rational perspective according to REBT. In doing so, we acknowledge that there will be those who won’t and we can choose to learn to accept this reality unconditionally. This sensible, self-helpful view, reminds us that the universe will not always deliver to us what we absolutely demand it should, but if we accept that, we will feel better about things, especially when they don’t go our way.

Conversely, to over rely on the approval of significant others to believe we are worthwhile, is taking us into the realms of irrationality or as Dr. Ellis would say, ‘love slobbism!’  This is where our attitude of preferences, transform into ‘must’ thinking; we must get what we believe we must have! Dr. Ellis determined that one who has forged such habits of thinking and believing has developed the debilitating condition of ‘musturbation;’ the tendency to elevate our preferences, wants and desires to ‘must, ought and should’ status!’ What did Karen Horney say?

'Beware the 'tyranny of the should'!

Dr. Ellis also reminds us that whenever we begin to think that someone or something is ‘making’ us angry or sad we are thinking irrationally, as it is our own unrealistic ‘musturbatory’ expectations of life and others that are driving our emotional unease. Do we prefer things to be as we would like them to be or must we get what we must have and is it a catastrophe when we don’t?!

'When people change their irrational beliefs to undogmatic flexible preferences, they become less disturbed.' Albert Ellis

Christopher Hitchens the late renowned author, essayist and sceptic, debated many an opponent, who claimed that his views were offensive and that their feelings were somehow hurt by the points he made in argument against them. His adversaries, in making such a claim, would be met by the classic Hitchens retort:

‘What’s your point? So your feelings are hurt, so what! How does this constitute an argument!’

He would have agreed with Dr. Ellis that people make the intensity of the emotions they feel by the way they might perceive or assess a situation. They hurt their own feelings! As Epictetus said all those years ago:

'People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.'

What might have Mr. Hitchens’ ‘musturbating’ rivals been thinking? Ellis would say:

‘They were rubbing themselves the wrong way!’

The big bang set the evolution of the Universe and life as we know it in train, and as it expanded chance would have it that a convergence of molecules, carbon atoms and other elements gave rise, in time, to the phenomenon known as Dr. Albert Ellis. How serendipitous! Maybe the World does give a shit after all! 

I feel so sad and angry! A students journey to positive mental health

Student C often found himself excluded from the class for his behaviour. He would sit quietly outside the room or he would find his way upstairs to speak to a person in leadership. The counsellor would engage with him and over a series of meetings together they worked out what the issue was.

Student C would declare often and in different ways that he was ‘bad,’ ‘dumb,’ ‘stupid’ etc. He was adamant about this and it seemed that he would not be moved from that position!

He was big in stature for his age, quiet and withdrawn generally which seemed to reflect the low estimation he had of himself. He seemed to feel angry, not towards others but more towards himself. When feelings ran high he could express himself in ways that were not acceptable but understandable. He might run his pen across his page of work or indeed rip the page out of his exercise book. He would write ‘STUPID’ across the brim of his school hat in texta. His frustration was palpable and his ideas about himself were entrenched and deeply ingrained.     

This would not change until he became aware of the beliefs he held, that were irrational, meaning not helpful; barriers to him achieving his goals.

We decided that we would give irrational and unhelpful ideas a name. We called intrusive and debilitating thoughts *Brain Bully thoughts. They were attached to Brain Bully self-talk e.g. ‘I’m dumb and stupid or bad’ for instance. We isolated one to work on and agreed that the idea of being ‘bad’ would be the place to start.

We talked about ‘being’ bad and what that meant. It was a global self-rating term, a word or idea that described his total being or his personhood. We also talked about the word ‘being’ and what that meant. We agreed that it could mean ‘the way I am’ i.e. I am my badness.

We then talked about how ‘I’m bad’ could be a Brain Bully belief. We noted how this thinking got in the way of his happiness and his ability to set and pursue his goals. This was the test we applied to the Brain Bully belief ‘I am bad.’ If it stopped us feeling OK then we could call it for what it was; Brain Bully thinking.

We continued to explore the idea that he was ‘his badness’ and where this idea may have originated. He said that he tried hard to do the right thing and when he didn’t behave as others thought he ‘should’ he felt responsible for how others felt. For instance his mum would say things like, ‘you make me sad when you do that.’ Or, ‘you make me mad when you do that.’ This message he had heard all his life so he believed he was responsible for how his mum felt i.e. he ‘made’ her mad and sad.

We had pinpointed why he believed he was a ‘bad’ person. He articulated his belief thus; ‘I am a bad person because I make my mum sad. If it wasn’t for me she would be happy. It’s all my fault!’ This is a heavy burden for a young person to bear. Where would we go from here? We’ve established that his irrational, Brain Bully thinking is connected to how he feels and behaves. His belief he is a ‘bad’ and ‘worthless’ person is connected to or accompanied by behaviours and emotions that are self-defeating i.e. sad (depressed?), anxious and withdrawing, destroying stuff etc. We established that his strength of feeling is connected to how he thinks (believes) things are or should be e.g. I should be ‘good’ but I am ‘bad’ (which I shouldn’t be!).

What then is a ‘good’ person? We talked about all the things that make us who we are and decided that we have many positive attributes and things we could get better at but it would be difficult to argue that we can indeed ‘be’ good or ‘be’ bad. Can we take one attribute or quality which is good or bad and then decide we are that attribute or quality? Can we claim to be good if we did something well? That would be illogical because though we have done well in one instance we still have things we could improve. So we cannot ‘be’ the thing that we are good at can we? And we cannot ‘be’ the thing we are bad at!

We established a new idea to challenge the Brain Bully belief that we can ‘be’ good or we can ‘be’ bad. We agreed to use (think) the idea that ‘we are OK no matter what. We are worthwhile no matter what.’ In other words though we might do ‘bad’ or inappropriate things we are not bad for doing them, we are still worthwhile. Student C would have to do a lot of work to change what he believed about himself but this was an important start. We set some homework for ourselves that when we stuffed up we would try hard to learn from our mistakes but we would refuse to believe that we were ‘bad’ for making our mistakes.

So student C would train himself to believe that when he makes a mistake and his mum feels angry and she says ‘you make me mad!’ he will remind himself that he is OK no matter what. He will feel sorry for his mistake and try hard to do better but he will not put himself down. He will build the rational (self-helpful) belief of ‘I’m OK no matter what!’ This will help student C to feel sad and disappointed rather that depressed and angry.

We also gave a name to the rational and useful (self-helpful) thinking we were practicing to make new beliefs to replace the old Brain Bully beliefs that can be intrusive and harmful; *Brain Friend thinking.

Of course we acknowledged that when mum says ‘you make me angry’ that she is expressing a Brain Bully belief that hides somewhere in her mind. Student C understood what his mum was yet to realise!

Student C made great progress and one day his mum called and asked if she could come to see me …..

*Brain Bully and *Brain Friend are terms used in the early childhood teaching/counselling resource 'Have a Go Spaghettio!'©

What is Brain Bully? How do you teach it?

Early childhood is where the action is! Little children catch on quickly to ideas which are quirky and amusing. Just look at the Wiggles and their enduring popularity with the younger folk. Tap into their sense of the ridiculous and you have something to work with.

Mr Chin is a character who doesn't finish his jobs. He stops himself because his Brain Bully thinking tells him 'it's too hard.' The video explains what Brain Bully is and how to teach it using the experiences of Mr Chin.

This 7 minute video is for the younger children and suggest ways their parents and carers can help them learn that their thinking, feelings and behaviours are all interconnected. Have a look :) 

Brain Friend Moves In

I saw the sign ‘head for rent’ and thought I couldn’t possibly pass up such an opportunity. I’ll pay in kind of course (as I don’t materially exist) and I can be a helpful adviser to you but I am you at the same time. How can that be you ponder? All I can say is that I am me talking to you but you are me and so you are talking to yourself. If that’s giving you a headache, I can’t empathise because I don’t have a head but I live inside yours. I’m the talk you hear inside your head, I’m Brain Friend and I’m here to stay.

Two of us are one

We are in this together

We will work hard to move ahead

Even in stormy weather!

Your previous tenant, old Brain Bully had set up permanent residence here and by all accounts had a great time making you sad and causing you not to try all those things you would like to do because he told you ‘you’re so dumb. Don’t even try. What’s the point?’ There are some reminders of his presence here. I can see the tear stains on your eyes from your quiet and private crying. I will help your eyes sparkle, to help you stand tall. You will feel more confident if you trust in me, if you trust in you!

Brain Bully could have stayed around a while if it wasn’t for your teacher in year 4 who said your sadness and loneliness was caused by your BB thinking. She was on the ball when she said the type of self-talk you used was unhelpful and she gave a name to it Brain Bully. You were bullying yourself all that time. When someone called you a name you agreed with them. When Brain Bully said ‘you deserve it, you are a retard. You’re not worth anything’ you were bullying yourself! You were ganging up on YOU and joining other people who would want to put you down. 

No more! I’m here, Brain Friend and into the future we go! Things have changed for you as you practice your Brain Friend self-talk and thinking. Brain Bully hasn’t gone far though and he is still hanging around. He misses being here and he will try again to move in if we are not very vigilant. So our work will never stop and we will always be on the lookout for BB, the sadness maker.

But we will practice and you will have homework to do. It’s more like headwork than homework but you’ll be doing it forever. You know a bit like the signs you see on the roadway saying ‘roadwork ahead’ where we have to slow down and make sure we do the safe and sensible thing to ensure the roads can be as good as they can be. Well imagine signs like ‘headwork in progress’ in your head where Brain Friend is keeping the place (your headspace) safe and in good working order so you can act and feel OK.

You gave BB the heave when you realised he was doing you no favours. You had told yourself for so long that you were no good you actually believed it. Some important people around you along the way didn’t help either, because they demanded you should be a good person and when you couldn’t be perfect all the time you thought there was something wrong with you. Remember BB saying ‘I should have done better’ and ‘see, I can’t do it’ and ‘I’m such a loser?’ In the end you wouldn’t try because BB said ‘you can’t do it so don’t try. It will only prove you are a loser.’

Things have changed and people say that you walk with a spring in your step that you walk tall and you smile more. Your headwork is paying dividends for you as you feel a lot better, you’re optimistic and bounce back quickly from disappointment. Way to go!