The Have a Go Spaghettio! Approach to It’s Not Fair!

Children may feel frustrated, upset, or disappointed when they perceive that they are being treated unfairly, whether in games, at home, or in social situations. Saying ‘that's not fair!’ is a way for them to articulate how they feel. The belief ‘it’s not fair’ is driving those emotions according to the ABC Theory of Emotional (and behavioural disturbance). How strong are they? If children believe that ‘it’ whatever ‘it’ may be ‘is’ unfair, they may be applying a developing philosophy that is rigid in nature, that things ‘must’ pan out as it should. Anything deemed unfair, its unfairness, depends on how it is viewed, perceived, interpreted. Applying a ‘must’ rule, demanding that wants and desires are met immediately, will cause heightened upset. An attitude of preference over demand will allow the child to keep things in perspective i.e., this happening is uninvited but in the scheme of things its not a big problem. The thing that’s ‘unfair’ is received as an inconvenience rather than a catastrophe. In the counselling context the child will articulate: What happened and how they felt when whatever happened, happened. This will establish the A and C components of the ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance. How ‘it’ is perceived at B of the ABC paradigm will affect the strength of feeling and the behaviour at C and the counselling session will focus on the B, perception part of the ABC theory i.e., how can we (re) consider an ‘unfair’ happening in a different way. The child and counsellor will set some agreed Success Helper goals to focus on as illustrated in the video, and its important for the child to know and practice the ‘I’m worthwhile crocodile’ Red Success Helper’ which teaches self-worth is unconditional and isn’t diminished by failure or the opinion of others.

The ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance Paradigm - Give It a Try Banana ...

This video is about the theoretical underpinnings of the early childhood Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper approach to psychological wellbeing. 

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), is significantly influenced by philosophical and psychological perspectives. The Stoic philosophers, particularly Epictetus, emphasized the role of beliefs about events in causing emotional distress informed the creation of REBT. Albert Ellis was influenced by existential philosophers like Heidegger and Tillich, who focused on human freedom and responsibility. Karen Horney's concept of the "tyranny of the shoulds," and Adler's work also influences Ellis' REBT theory. General semanticists, such as Korzybski, also influenced REBT, highlighting the impact of language on thought and emotions.

The Have a Go Deadlio! Success Helper approach to Social Emotional Learn...

This Have a Go Deadlio! video presents the First Nations version of the Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper Well Being Framework highlighted in previous videos. It embodies the thinking and ideas of Dr. Albert Ellis who created Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. The Have a Go Deadlio! incorporates the ideas of Deadly Thinking and Gammin Thinking. These are common terms used by First Nations people, Gammin to indicate nonsense type thinking and Deadly! which represents OK thinking, feeling and behaving. This video is made with deepest respect for FN culture and history with thanks and gratitude for welcoming me to their land on which I live and work. I live on unceded Kaurna Land. Always was ... #FirstNations #earlylearning #Kaurna #mentalhealth #schools #learning #counselling #Deadly! #Gammin #indigenous #education #AlbertEllis #rationalemotivetherapy #HaveaGoSpaghettio! #GiveItaTryBananaPie!

Franklins Bad Day - why does Franklin feel sad and why is he acting out ...

What's up with Franklin? He's throwing his clothes about and disobeying his parents. His

 friends come by and he's discourteous towards them. He goes to his room and accidentally

 knocks over a block building he and Otter made. He cries in frustration and his dad comes

 in and asks Franklin why he feels so sad and angry. Otter has moved away he tells his

 father, and she was his best friend. Dad understands now why Franklin feels sad and he

 decides to apply his Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper knowledge to help Franklin deal

 with this unfortunate event in his son's life.

A Have a Go Spaghettio! Way to Help Edward the Emu Who Wants to Be What He's Not!

Edward is an ordinary emu nobody is interested in at the zoo. He tries to be every other animal in the zoo but he’s still not popular like the other animals. He realises in the end that he’s an emu and he accepts that fact.

This story is analysed through the ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance lens as per the Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper approach to psychological, emotional, and behavioural wellbeing.

The ABC theory offers a way of considering the emotional and behavioural dispositions of characters and how they relate to thinking or the perception of events. Children can think about what’s happening to a third party and make connections to their own lives. So Have a Go Spaghettio! and Give it a Try Banana Pie!

 

Albert Ellis and Shithood

Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) said that embedded irrational habits of thinking can place one in a state of 'shithood.'

Known for his linguistic flair, his colourful turns of phrase drove home the REBT message that how we think about things can determine how e.g., upset we become or our state of 'upsetness' as he would say. 

Our 'upsetness' and the 'shithood' it places us in, Ellis suggests, is self-imposed to a large degree. If we believe, irrationally, that people and things beyond us, 'give us the shits' as it is commonly claimed in my neck of the woods, then, could it be caused by our own Sustained Habits of Irrational Thinking Syndrome? Do we give ourselves 'the shits?'

The Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper approach to wellbeing helps early childhood students understand how we contribute to the degree of our own upset experienced in most cases and this is done by engaging irrational, Success Stopper, Brain Bully habits of thinking that lead us up the garden path to Ellis' unsavoury place of personal misery and upset!

Children are acquainted with their thinking nature, and rational, Brain Friend, Success Helper thinking is encouraged. They learn:

- thinking, feeling, and behaving are connected
- Success Helper, Brain Friend thinking is helpful
- Success Stopper, Brain Bully thinking is unhelpful

Ellis invites us to introduce the principles and practices of psychotherapy via REBT and CBT into early childhood teaching and learning. Have a Go Spaghettio! is one way to do this. Give it a try banana pie!

Albert Ellis

     

Arthur the Dog is not chosen!

Arthur is an ordinary brown dog nobody wants to buy from the pet shop. He tries to be every other animal in the shop yet he’s still overlooked for the snakes, birds, and rabbits. He realises in the end that he’s a dog and he accepts that fact.

This story is analysed through the ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance lens as per the Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper approach to psychological, emotional, and behavioural wellbeing.

The ABC theory offers a way of considering the emotional and behavioural dispositions of characters and how they relate to thinking or perception of events. Children can think about what’s happening to a third party and make connections to their own lives. So Have a Go Spaghettio!

My name’s Brain Bully and I really can do your head in!

My name’s Brain Bully (BB) and you most probably don’t know me and that’s a problem for you. Why? Because I am a major player in how you might feel about yourself, others and the world in general.

BB represents irrational belief constructions which don't allow the child to 'see' things in there true (rational) perspective. 

Have a Go Spaghettio! Give it a try banana pie!

An Early Childhood Student Presents with Pervasive Sadness - could it be depression?

Have a Go Spaghettio! introduces psychotherapy into the early childhood school and classroom. Albert Ellis advocated for the application of REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) in daily teaching practice. This acquaints young learners with their thinking nature as constructivists who are forging their own ideas about how the world works. The closer their constructed ideas reflect the reality of how the world works, the better they are equipped to navigate the road ahead.  

Success Helper thinking supports SH helper feelings and behaviours. Unconditional self-acceptance. the idea that there are no conditions attached to our worth, is represented by the 'I'm worthwhile crocodile' Red Success Helper. It helps young ones maintain a positive sense of self especially when things don't go so well for them. 

Have a Go Spaghettio! 

Behaviour management or behaviour education?

Behaviour management or behaviour education? Some children need more external guidance, parameters set and reinforced by the adult mentor as they are yet to have developed the internal means to regulate the self especially in challenging situations.

But the end goal is to help young people develop the capacity to manage frustration successfully, to succeed at school in all facets of their learning and interactions, and to deal with disappointment in a healthy manner.

Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) said the future of psychotherapy is in the school system and he invites us to apply his ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance principles in daily teaching practice. Ellis' paradigm teaches how thinking, feeling and behaving are interlinked and that events of themselves don't determine how we feel and behave as our habits of thinking has something to do with it. Do we tend to think in rational ways or do we have a more irrational slant on happenings in our lives?

Rational thinking is called Success Helper or Brain Friend thinking and irrational thinking is called Success Stopper or Brain Bully thinking. Each is linked to a different emotional and behavioural response to events. These ideas are introduced via the Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper approach to Social Emotional Learning (SEL). 

It teaches young learners that the belief constructions we build in our heads can either be helpful or unhelpful. This insight can help our young learners work towards developing a more internally placed locus of control and improved frustration tolerance.

I'm Worthwhile Crocodile Thinking - nothings good or bad but thinking makes it so!

 ‘Nothing’s good or bad but thinking makes it so’ says Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Alfred Korzybski said the ‘word is not the thing.’ If a child is not good or bad intrinsically but somehow determines they can be they’re not thinking straight according to Dr. Albert Ellis and others. Doing something well does not somehow suggest that it reflects how ‘good’ we are, that we are ‘good’ for doing good. Isn’t it more accurate to believe that ‘I did Ok’ but that has nothing to do with my OK ness? Believing we’re OK when we do well or others deem us to ‘be’ OK is what Ellis calls self – esteem, where he argues, we feel good when we do good or when others approve of us. He calls this conditional self-acceptance, where self-worth is determined externally; an externally controlled and determined sense of the self, good or bad.

Unconditional self-acceptance regards the ‘self’ consistently as one of worth even if one does good or bad or when others approve of us or disapprove of us. We accept ourselves unconditionally. Ellis would argue that this is a more substantial and evidence based self-assessment than relying on others to boost our ‘self-esteem.’

Alfred Korzybski said that when we assess our value based on an abstracted strength or failing and decide it defines us, we’re thinking ‘unscientifically,’ our self-assessment is not informed by the evidence i.e., we are allowing a particular aspect of ‘us’ and deciding it describes us in a global sense which doesn’t consider all the traits, qualities etc. that we possess. In other words, it doesn’t make sense, it is, as Korzybski says, crazy making thinking!

How so? If we conclude that we ‘are’ our smartness when we do something well, and it makes us a smart person how can this make us crazy?

I worked with a young person who presented with extreme anxiety and self-doubt as they had learned that because others assessed their capabilities in an area of learning as exceptional, they believed they had a reputation to live up to. They were obsessed with ‘what if’ thinking, what if I don’t get a good mark, what if I fail, what will people think of me if I don’t get a good mark etc. They began to withdraw, not take risks because if they didn’t live up to the expectations of significant others, it would mean that they ‘are’ failures. This is what Korzybski and Ellis calls crazy thinking induced, extreme psychological discomfort. This person has decided, errantly, that they need the approval and ‘esteem’ of others to be an OK person.

‘I’m worthwhile crocodile’ thinking teaches the young child that they are OK even when they don’t do so well at a task or when others inevitably disapprove of them. Their approval of themselves holds sway over the assessments of others. This kind of mindset will take on board the evidence, decide that ‘the word is not the person’ and carry on. They may take on board constructive criticism and advice, but their sense of worth remains strong, they accept themselves unconditionally!

Have a Go Spaghettio! I'm worthwhile crocodile!

The Have a Go Spaghettio! Success Helper approach to Social Emotional Learning is informed by Dr. Albert Ellis' ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance and Alfred Korzybski's General Semantics Theory amongst others.

Dr. Ellis created Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) and said the future of psychotherapy in the school system.

The Have a Go Spaghettio! chart represents the competencies and capabilities that help us achieve our goals, develop confidence and respect for self and others.

The goal is to introduce the early childhood learner to their thinking nature and to help them underrated that thinking, feeling and behaving are linked to each other. For instance the Red Success Helper, 'I'm worthwhile crocodile!' represents REBT's unconditional self acceptance, the idea that a persons worth is not tethered to how others view them i.e., that they are not what others might deem them to be e.g., dumb, smart etc.

Self approval is important and learning to need the approval of others is an unhealthy philosophical perspective because it can give rise to severe psychological upset e.g., anxiety.

So Have a Go Spaghettio!

Doing is Not Being! REBT and General Semantics

A global rating of another's worth is when a quality or characteristic or behaviour is abstracted from all the competencies and traits possessed by an individual and is then used to assess a person's entire personhood. For example, deciding a person is 'bad' because they do something we don't approve of e.g., they didn't wave back!

When discussing this with a teacher colleague, she notes that there are several fellow educators she works with who label some students in negative global rating terms, suggesting that ‘that’s the way they are’ and that they will not change.

These observations concur with my own experience as a teacher and counsellor, where a ‘fixed mindset’ mentality affects how some teachers behave towards their students, projecting a conditional acceptance of the other attitude, defining student worth in a negative way.

The word is not the thing. Alfred Korzybski

Albert Ellis, who created Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, spoke of unconditional other acceptance, the belief that a person's essential worth is unconditional where one quality, 'good' or 'bad' cannot define them. Similarly, Carl Rogers spoke of unconditional positive regard for the other person. 

What's the point of this and how does it relate to teaching practice? 

We have been taught via feedback that we can 'be' whatever someone deems us to be, unintentionally perhaps, in total ignorance but we have internalised these irrational and debilitating ideas as they are reinforced as a matter of course through language.

Consider the expression 'why are you angry? Can't you calm down!' This may be said in an empathic or in accusatory fashion or otherwise but what does it mean?

I've worked with kids who believe they are their anger, that their total being is characterised by this unacceptable, in their eyes, affliction that they shouldn't have. There's something wrong with them and they feel guilt and shame and extreme sadness. 

We are not the word assigned us Alfred Korzybski of General Semantics theory reminds us. The kid 'is' not 'an angry' kid but a person who feels angry at times. 

Hi there! 

It is advised that as mentors to others in the capacity of educator or parent we pay attention to what we say and the possible meaning it may convey; are we asserting you 'are' a 'bad' person for doing what you did e.g., swear at someone, or a person who did what can be assessed as a 'bad' thing. Doing is not being!

Food for thought.

 

The Word is Not the Person! General Semantics

Alfred Korzybski of General Semantics says that we ought to be more thoughtful about the language we use and to be mindful of the messages we are trying to convey. Too many and inappropriate words can confuse understanding and he suggests that we develop a scientist sensibility (Korzybski, 2000) for listening. He talks about creating a verbal pollution free zone by asking three questions that encourage specific answers. They are:

1. What do you mean?

2. How do you know?

3. What did you leave out?

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, created by Dr. Albert Ellis, incorporates Alfred Korzybski's ideas in his approach to psychotherapy and can be applied in counselling practice when working with young students.

Mary is an early childhood student who is not travelling OK. The teacher says she is self-critical and doesn't want to do things. 

We talk about Brain Friend and Brain Bully thinking. BF makes OK feelings and behaviours and BB causes us to feel not OK and we don't act as we could e.g., to try new things

We talk about Mary and how's she's been feeling and agree they are not helpful feelings she feels. She also says that she hasn't been doing her work and the teacher is wondering why. We talk about how BB thinking could be making her feel bad and she says she thinks 'I can't do this. I'm dumb.'

Maybe BB is tricking her into believing that she is totally dumb and hopeless. So, we say out loud together, 'I am dumb and hopeless.' We agree that it’s a Brain Bully way of thinking and so we decide to work on this together and we use the questions introduced above starting with #1

What do we mean?

We both answer this together and say things like 'because I am too scared to try, I am dumb and stupid.' Then we ask ourselves the question:

How do we know?

We say 'we are stupid because we are too scared to try. The teacher says we are not progressing and she tells mum she feels concerned so it must be true.' We think this kind of thinking is Brain Bully trying to trick us. We say together, 'BB is trying to trick us,' so we ask ourselves:

What did we leave out?

We talked about all the things we can do and made a list and we agreed that this proves we can't be totally dumb and just because we might feel worried about failing at something it is not true to say we are no good and that we shouldn't try.

We said that we'll work at the things we aren't so good at but we'll try to remember all the things we can do which we forgot to remember!

The word is not the person so why can a child believe they are the word 'dumb' when all the evidence suggests otherwise?

Food for thought.

 

Teachers who bully teachers!

It is my experience that no matter how competent, experienced, or well credentialed an educator might be if your face doesn't fit you may as well look elsewhere if you're a teacher dedicated to teaching students.

I've heard of teachers targeted because of their teaching competency, their popularity with students and staff. I'm speaking of the jealous and vindictive narcissist other, who cannot accept nor appreciate those by whom they are threatened.

A narcissist inclined person at a school I've heard of could not contemplate that a colleague could be so popular, vivacious, and highly respected amongst staff, students, and parents. They intentionally set out to undermine and besmirch the character of their target. How was this done? The narcissist protagonist surfed the internet to get background information on their quarry, downloaded pictures and passed them on to leadership. This information was used to bully and intimidate them. I'm told they were slut shamed to put them and keep them in their place according to several others. They sought professional help and was placed on medication for depression as related by the victim to others.

This is one strategy employed by leadership in tandem with sycophant allies in the school setting to target and victimise the unsuspecting victim, especially when the victim is on contract and therefore is in a position of weakness.

The preferred and favoured staff member was one of many informants, like minded 'friends' who would report back to the principal through the preferred other who held sway over the principal who regarded them with fondness and who treated them preferentially. This favoured other would often say that the principal 'will do what I tell them to do' such was the power and influence they wielded.

Other means were used against unsuspecting others who were on the outer so to speak because e.g., their exceptional skills and capabilities, took the limelight away from the teacher informant. The teacher informant and tell-tale colleagues would make up, concoct stories about others, telling leadership about things that didn't happen. Or CCTV was used to monitor targeted staff, to obtain information that would be used against them e.g., to suggest they look elsewhere for their next appointment.

One person relates how the favoured other would often walk past their classroom and just look in the window or stand at the door and move on. They would then go to leadership and report on anything they had ‘observed.’ Rumours were put about suggesting that the highly competent target teacher's classroom was e.g., untidy, dirty and that they were not 'team' players because of whatever reason they decided to make up. 

It is reported that the targeted teacher became ill, felt like vomiting whenever the bully colleague walked by. They didn't go to the staffroom and it was traumatising to go to the bathroom as they had to pass by or be in the view of those who were bullying and intimidating them. They spoke in whispers when talking with trusted others in case others heard what they said. They would sit in their car in the carpark dry reaching at the thought of having to expose themselves to the malice of the bullies they had to work with. Several colleagues related that this teacher was traumatised and they had grave concerns for their wellbeing. The harm experienced by this teacher was targeted, intentional and sustained. 

Teachers bully teachers and use whatever means at their disposal to engineer a world that suits and favours them. They employ others to do their bidding by favouring them and rewarding them e.g., making sure they get contracts, using the school budget for gifts to reward their loyalty. Yes, this happens in schools. Bullying is an accepted way to establish and maintain an order that suits a small group of privileged others. 

Education Today

We are teachers

Teachers can be bullied

Professional bullying in schools

 

 

The ABC’s of REBE - Rational Emotive Behaviour Education

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education (REBE) is a powerful teaching tool to use in the classroom at any level. It is based on REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy). It’s been around a long time, and  started out as RET (Rational Emotive Therapy) in the 1960’s.

Dr. Albert Ellis created the theory and his counselling paradigm, the ABC Theory of Emotional (and behavioural) Disturbance, provides us with a framework for our teaching and counselling practice. As with all effective teaching it helps to know what we are doing and why. So, step one in our learning journey would be to understand what the ABC Theory is.

ABC easy as 1,2,3…

It might appear easy, but there’s more to it than meets the eye. And therein lies the genius of Albert Ellis as he took all his reading, thinking and psychotherapy practice and put it into a little package, a formula for us to use in the classroom. Indeed, Albert Ellis said a long time ago that:

‘The future of psychotherapy is in the school system.’

So, acquaint yourself with the ABC theory and begin your learning journey and remember whilst you may readily understand what the model is on first impressions, it will take a lot longer to fully appreciate what it means and this will come with practice and again as Ellis said we all need to ‘practice, practice, practice’ to get better at what we do.

And the other Albert, Albert Einstein said:

‘If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.’

The ABC Theory has a lot of layers to it and when you get to the point where you can do as Einstein said, you’re on your way. And of course, we never stop learning and the more we engage with the ABC Theory the more we will learn and discover!

The ‘A’ bit

‘A’ represents whatever happens that may evoke some kind of emotional and behavioural response to it e.g., I didn’t do so well in my driving test. Or at school a child is not included in a game at lunch break, or a child finds that when she looks in her school bag at recess, her drink and snack is not there! Any happening or event is the A component of the ABC Theory, the Activating event.

The ‘B’ bit

‘B’ represents what we believe; our personally constructed philosophy, what we think about ourselves, others, and life in general. The beliefs we have may not be something we are aware of and the ABC Theory helps us to identify what they are and to decide if they are helpful or unhelpful.

Ellis called unhelpful thinking irrational as it stops us achieving our goals i.e., for happiness and success. And helpful thinking, he called rational thinking. Any thinking, rumination about or perception, interpretation of an event or happening is the B component of the ABC Theory, what we Believe.

The ‘C’ bit

‘C’ represents how we respond emotionally and behaviourally to an event, A. When a child is not included in a game at recess for example, the event A of the ABC Theory, how she might feel and behave is the C component of the ABC Theory. Does she feel a little disappointed or does she feel enraged? What does she decide to do? How we might feel and behave in response to A, the Activating event, is the emotional Consequence of A.

And there’s more ... The D, E and F bits! 

‘D’ represents the process of challenging the identified beliefs at ‘B’ which are causing us emotional and behavioural distress at C. This stage of the ABC’s, the ‘D’ bit, stands for Disputation, where we challenge (Dispute) the veracity of what we believe at B. Are you still with me? It’s worth persisting so on to the ‘E’ bit!

‘E’ represents a new way of seeing or thinking about things because we’ve learned to appreciate that what we believed at ‘B’ of The ABC Theory, is not helpful as it is associated with extreme emotional and behavioural upset. Once we identify the habits of thinking that ail us, and we work hard to dispute them, we can replace them with more helpful, rational ones. We have a new and improved way of regarding or thinking about uninvited happenings, new effective rational thinking E.

‘F’ represents a new, improved better way of Feeling about things at A, because the irrational beliefs we once held at B of the ABC model, have been challenged (disputed) and changed to more rational ones.

And there we have it, the ABC Theory of Emotional (and behavioural) Disturbance … and the D’s, the E’s, and the F’s!

A simple example of the application the ABC (& D and E) Theory for your consideration follows.

A - A driver on the road lets someone in who doesn’t acknowledge the courteous act.

B – The driver thinks, ‘How rude! He should have waved back. What an #$%^&!!’

C- The driver feels extreme annoyance and anger and waves his fist at the other driver.

D – The drivers thinking at B is challenged e.g., why should he have waved back? Could there be any reasons why he didn’t? Is it so bad that you can’t stand it? Can you think of other things that could happen worse than this? Where do you think this sits on your catastrophe scale?

E – Next time emotions are kept in check because the driver now thinks, ‘people don’t always have to do what I think they should. This is not a big deal so I won’t make it one. He’s not ‘bad’ because he didn’t acknowledge me.’

F – The driver experiences a modified, improved way of feeling about what’s happened as at B, irrational beliefs have been identified, challenged and changed.

Know your ABC’s (and D’s and E’s)!

There are many articles available that will help you develop a greater depth of understanding and appreciation of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy and its application in schools through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. I can recommend some articles that will help you on your learning journey which you can request via the email address provided.

So, think about the above and consider if it is something you can work with in your teaching or counselling practice. Does it sit well with what you know about Social Emotional Behaviour Wellbeing teaching and learning? Can you incorporate your new learning into current practice?

P.S. You can find more information here https://debbiejoffeellis.com/ and here www.rebtnetwork.org

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education. Email: lozzog@gmail.com

What’s Unconditional Self- Acceptance?

This is warts n’ all acceptance of all the things that make up the complexity of the ‘self’,  a term we use when referring to the ‘me’ we understand ourselves to be.

We decide who we are, how our ‘selves’ are constituted, by processing and interpreting the information we glean from our environment. How do others esteem me? Do they like me?

Does my self-assessment, my own estimation of my worth, depend on the assessments of others? Or do I accept that any clanger, rejection, or failure don’t or can’t in themselves define me in a global sense i.e., my total worth or value.

If we tend to over rely on others estimation of us, we have reached a stage of ‘needing’ rather than ‘preferring’ that others view us well e.g., likeable, respected, esteemed, funny, smart.

‘I need you think I’m OK for me to be OK.’

A student once asked me if he was a good boy. I asked what he meant and he said I like it when people say I’m a good boy. I asked him how he knows when he is a good boy and he said when people ‘tell me I am.’ I asked him when he is most likely to be told he is a good boy and he replied, ‘when I do something good’ (what others expect me to do).

‘I can’t disappoint people who expect me to be good.’

He also said that when he does things that others disagree with or who may feel aggrieved about something about him, he thinks he has made them feel that way. I asked him if he thinks that other people’s feelings, like his mum’s annoyance is caused by him and he said, ‘yes.’

‘I make my mum mad!’

What has this person learned about his ‘self?’ He is learning that his worth depends on the assessment of others. He ‘is’ good or bad depending on others estimation of his worth. According to REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) he accepts his ‘self’ only on condition that he is esteemed well by others. His ‘good’ self exists only if others say it does!

That he has learned to believe that he ‘makes’ others sad or annoyed or angry puts him at considerable psychological risk. He has learned that he is responsible for how others feel and of course this is an irrational belief. He may become hyper vigilant around other people’s sensibilities, not wanting to cause any upset or discomfort to others because he’s responsible for how they feel!

Unconditional self-acceptance regards the self as a composite of too many qualities, characteristics, capabilities etc good and bad and so it doesn’t make sense to abstract one from the many and decide that it defines your you-ness.

‘Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.’ Dr. Seuss

Alas we tend to do this at times but we can self-correct e.g., I am likeable even if others may think otherwise, I am not their opinion of me. So, the warts ‘n all idea means that our OK - ness remains constant even when as fallible human beings we will inevitably stuff up.

But for those young folk who believe their worth is subject to certain conditions e.g.,  how others rate them or how well they perform at tasks, then they will benefit from knowing how they can challenge and change the irrational ideas they may hold to be true about their ‘selves.’

So how can we help young people become the best version of their ‘selves,’ one which will serve them well?

- Talk about thinking, feeling, and behaving, what they are, and how they are each connected to each other. E.g., if I BELIEVE I’m dumb, I FEEL sad and I WITHDRAW.

- We can have helpful or unhelpful ideas about ourselves, others, and life in general, our beliefs.

- We can find out what those beliefs are e.g., ‘if someone doesn’t seem to like me then I am unlikable.’ 

- We can begin to change how we think about ourselves if we learn how to think about our thinking.

Some ideas to teach unconditional self-acceptance:

- Talk about a bike and its general composition, wheels, tyres, frame, spokes etc. If a spoke on one wheel is broken, does it make sense to decide the bike is totally no good and we should get rid of it? Why or why not? One fault doesn’t make the bike (us) worthless

- If we aren’t too good at something, or we didn’t make the soccer team does that mean we are totally useless, that we are totally no good e.g., using the bike analogy above, one of our spokes might be a bit wobbly but the bike’s essentially OK (unless we decide otherwise).

- Place a few dots on a sheet of paper. Look at the page what do we notice. We might focus readily on the dots. We may also notice that most of the page is clear of any dots or blemishes. When we self-down we notice only the blemishes and decide they define us (our ‘self’ page is full of dot blemishes), that we are no good. We might however look more broadly and decide that the sheet is essentially blemish less.

It isn’t an either/or proposition, we can’t be totally bad or be totally good, we are just worthwhile, unconditionally because as Albert Ellis (creator of REBT) says, ‘we exist.’

If we consider our ‘selves’ in the context of everything that constitutes our makeup, one fault or failure or blemish can’t represent the whole. In that sense we are always OK and that’s what we teach our young charges when we teach Unconditional Self-Acceptance.

PS Unconditionally accepting ourselves doesn’t mean we elect to remain stagnant and not develop and evolve, to improve ourselves. It isn’t a license to do nothing or to e.g., break the law because ultimately ‘I’m OK no matter what.’ It is a healthy attitude of acceptance of our makeup and to work hard at the things we decide we want to get better at. Get my drift?

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor in the public school system and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education.

 

Narcissists Need Your Admiration - when too much is never enough!

The narcissist has an approval need receptacle somewhere in their subconscious. It leaks like a sieve it seems, and the more its fed by admiring others, the need to be admired never diminishes, it just intensifies. No matter how much they are adored and revered, too much is never enough. They are constantly in ‘tell me how much you love me mode.’ If we were to suggest a rule that drives this kind of need it might be:

‘I need your approval for me to feel OK about myself.’

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, created by Albert Ellis, would suggest, that this kind of need is characterised by an attitude of demand, a belief that one must get what one wants i.e., the approval of others because only then will one feel OK about themselves. This is what Ellis calls ‘musturbatory’ thinking, where the person believes they absolutely must have the approval of others if they are to feel OK, to have and maintain positive self-worth.

This need puts that person at considerable risk because they can only feel ok if they receive the positive affirmation of others. In other words, they believe that they are only OK if others say or indicate that they are. These beliefs are forged over time as the young child is socialised in ways that conveys the message ‘you are OK only if I think you are.’

‘Depression and anxiety are linked to conditional acceptance of self.’ 

People can be helped to challenge and change their irrational expectation that they need the approval of others to be worthwhile and as a Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor this is my core business. The goal is to help them understand that their worth is unconditional, they can develop unconditional self-acceptance, if they commit to some hard work!

But what of the narcissist school leader, whose addiction to others’ approval, seems never ending? Can they be supported and guided beyond the self-defeating need to be admired, loved, approved, and adored by others? The answer is no, not likely. The narcissist cannot admit that they may have any kind of psychological deficit, as this would not fit the image of themselves as the perfect person they believe they are. They cannot admit to any fault that would challenge this illusion.

‘The narcissist cannot allow others to see that they are really insecure and unhappy individuals.’

Not only do they seek the approval of their acolyte friends and colleagues, but they also believe they are entitled to it and others must regard them in the high esteem to which they have grown accustomed. So, they surround themselves with those who are prepared to feed their need to be loved, and this reverence must be on tap, available at all times, as the narcissist cannot accept themselves unconditionally. 

Look out those who aren’t taken in by the machinations of the narcissist; they become the enemy. As they don’t join in the ‘tell me how great I am’ game they fall foul of the delusional egoist. They are not in their circle of preferred others and will become targets of intimidation and exclusion. Such personal attacks are targeted, persistent and enabled by trusted others. The narcissist believes they deserve this as they don’t give them what they are entitled to, unconditional admiration and support. This is bullying!

‘A narcissist considers only their needs, wants and desires. These are their priorities and others become invisible.’

As I write this, I can appreciate that it may appear that I have some kind of obsessive preoccupation with what is termed NPD, Narcissist Personality Disorder. I am of course interested in this as a counsellor but also as someone who has had to negotiate the behaviours of this personality type in my own experiences in schools as a school leader, educator, and counsellor. I am and have been wary and I have chosen not to get involved in the narcissists need to have me ‘on side’ as an enabler. Hence, I have experienced the ignominy of banishment to the periphery of acceptance, respect, and inclusion. Demoted to the outer so to speak.

This is a list of some things that the narcissist school leader will do to keep their coveted position:

- Encourage and support those sycophant others who agree with them and do their bidding

- Reward preferred others with gifts and other privileges

- Invite them to join their circle of friends (would you be my FB friend?)

- Spread unsubstantiated rumours about targeted others

- Enlist the help of their enablers to dismiss and demean the work of others

- Use their ‘spies’ to report back to them about what others are doing

- Instruct enablers to ignore and exclude others

- Maintain their overinflated sense of importance at all costs

- Fantasise about power, success, and image

- Take advantage of others, taking credit from others

- Dismiss the needs and feelings of others

'When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but you stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did.'  ― Jill Blakeway

How does this behaviour go unchecked? This is a good question and may be addressed at another time on this blog.