Roger Bent Walked a Crooked Mile!

Roger Bent was an aspirational type who worked out early what he wanted and aimed to become what he imagined he could be. He was not particularly gifted in any significant way but he had a brimming reservoir of self-belief that fuelled his trajectory to his goal of greatness. He was besotted with himself and his narcissistic desires, and his wants and needs took precedence over those of others, who were useful only as far as that they could help him onwards and upwards.

'The only thing worse than ignorance is arrogance.' Albert Einstein

He was a classroom teacher for a while and he tolerated the discomfort and ignominy of sitting on what he thought was the bottom rung of the corporate ladder. This was a temporary situation as he worked out the lie of the land, and how best he would use those around him to get what he wanted.

He made strategic connections with significant others, saying the right thing to the right people at the right time, making personal and professional alliances with those who would help him on his way.

His leadership colleagues recognised the attributes and qualities which would help them in their quest for corporate glory. They relayed this good news to their line manager, the local education director who deemed he had potential and had ‘corporate’ sensibilities.

Bent had ingratiated himself into what would become a powerful and influential trinity of influence and privilege; the aspiring classroom teacher leader, the narcissist principal, and the bully director.

'Sycophants suck up to those who can help them and discard them when they are of no use to them anymore.'  Dr. Dan D. Ruff

Though still a lowly classroom teacher Bents profile grew in the school as he worked hard to help his principal achieve their goals, meet site KPI’s which in turn would reflect well on the director overseer whose reputation was only as good as the network school’s performance.

The students of course were to Bent what all insignificant others were, a means to an end. He supported the director and the principal in beefing up the academics of reading, writing and arithmetic whilst music, play based learning and other secondary subject considerations became afterthought electives. The better the academic test scores, the stronger the trinity became. The results reflected well on them and their need for approval became the driving force behind what they did.

'I need their approval.' Roger Bent

It wasn’t long before Bent got his foot in the leadership door and he was rewarded by the principal for his dedication to the tasks they set for him, which he attended to without question. He was anointed duly as the curriculum coordinator with the accompanying privileges and entitlements. The director in turn was happy to rubber stamp what was essentially a principal/director strategically made appointment.

Bent became less interested in the lives and travails of his teacher peers as their usefulness diminished whilst his leadership fortunes continued upward. He had no qualms about this as he now moved in the rarefied air of the influencers and decision makers. He had become a privileged leadership group member, a comrade in arms who set themselves apart from the classroom teacher plebs who were there to do their bidding.

'Teacher's should know their place and do what they are told.' Education Director, Dame Dorrie Dumpling

The Leadership Group expressed their privilege and entitlement in not-so-subtle ways, reflecting a coarse and naïve disregard and disrespect for the classroom teachers who worked tirelessly just down the corridor from where they would often meet. They would chat, laugh, and socialise as they believed they were entitled to and they reflected on where they had come from, lowly classroom teachers to managers and decision makers. They would order in take away and go on extended ‘meetings’ outside of school with the odd Maccas stopover or shopping jaunt as they wended their way back to school, having left some underling to cover for them. Yes, this was the way to go and Bent thought that there were more spoils in the offing.

'A corporatized education leader is a person who says yes to whatever is demanded of them without question.' Aunt Nellie Norbitt

Bent was on his way to better things and he accrued brownie points for doing what was demanded of him and which he did with alacrity. The rank and file distrusted him and his motives but he cared not a jot! Those in the know valued his contributions to the collective corporate goals, aims and objectives, and he felt satisfied with his progress … for now.

Bent negotiated, fawned, and crawled his way to a principalship. He stayed connected with his mentors and they fed off each other’s egos and they’d meet and regale their successes and wins in the business of education.

'To be a leader one has to risk the dislike and disdain of others but in the end it doesn't matter as long as I get what I want.' Roger Bent

Mr Bent eventually, found himself appointed as a local education director and he felt appropriately chuffed at the speed at which he’d reached this milestone and he thought the sky was the limit though he’d focus on this role for the time being. He had an office and staff to tend to his administrative needs and he was set. But it wasn’t as easy as he thought. He was accountable and had oversight over a network of schools and he soon realised he was out of his depth.

One local school was doing particularly well and he fell into a cosy relationship with the principal there. He knew he had to look after those who made him look good but this was his undoing, the great unravelling, the beginning of his demise, the beginning of the end.

How could this be? How could our golden teacher prodigy get so close but in the end fall oh so far from the world he had imagined in the early days? He had fallen foul of his own underhanded shenanigans.

The local school which he had cosied up to had what we will call staff troubles. Though the school had ‘performed’ exceedingly well in the national tests and everyone was appropriately well chuffed there was a simmering undercurrent of discontent, a potential powder keg of resentment of the disenfranchised, a disquiet that detracted from the overall health and wellbeing of the people who worked there and which could explode at any moment, a toxic slurry of discontent!

'The shit would surely hit the fan. A big jobby was on its way!' Jim 'Jobby' McGregor

What had Mr. Bent done? A school employee had been the subject of a targeted vendetta against them, not too dissimilar to the experiences of many others over the years whose ‘miscreance’ had seen them cast out the door, dismissed and discarded at the behest of a chosen few who ran the place. One particular ‘golden child’ so much loved and respected by the principal would every now and then decide that a particular ‘other’ didn’t fit their conception of how the school should look and feel. It may be that a person was popular, vivacious, competent, and skilled or well liked by the students or their parents enough to detract from the ‘golden child’s’ self-aggrandising and overinflated sense of importance (that’s another story!).

'I don't like that one. They're not nice. Get rid of them!'  Prudence Putty Nose

So, the boss did as they were told and began the process of ‘termination’ as had happened so many times over the years. The principal couldn’t countenance a situation where their favourite mentee felt uncomfortable, tearful, and unhappy and like the proverbial knight on their white steed rode to their rescue.

The targeted other had made a complaint about bullying to the appropriate authorities and confidential correspondence which went to Mr. Bents office, found its way back to the local school where the principal and his mentee were privy to information which would be prejudicial to the bullied educator’s chances of justice and fair play. Mr Bent, Roger Bent, had stepped over the line of everything ethical, professional, and right to help a ‘mate,’ to add to the bullying dynamic of bully, victim, and bystander.

Long story short, Mr Bent was investigated by the police and duly held to account and the local school principal and their sycophant enablers were disciplined accordingly. A new school leadership team was appointed and the school moved on from this unfortunate situation.

No, wait! That’s not right! Mr Bent was moved sideways with all the usual pay and privileges due a Regional Director and the principal and their bullying buddies remained where they were. Mysteriously, the corporate protection squad made the problem go away. Nothing to see here, all’s well that ends well, no?

The bullied educator was left to ponder the imponderable and though they had some satisfaction knowing that they were heard, they were left with a sense of helplessness and disappointment in a system that favours the favoured while the rest go and suffer in their jocks!

'Suffer in your jocks!' Darryl Kerrigan

PS 'I teach kids because I want to and I like it. I don't want to 'escape' to any 'leadership' position. I have standards!' Ed. E. Cated, classroom teacher 

PPS Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead (or those who just seem that way), is purely coincidental.

I didn’t do it!

Why it is that some can’t acknowledge a mistake or oversight when a simple admission of ‘yes it was me’ would be quite the ordinary thing to do. Everyone would understand; don’t we all make mistakes? Remember the Fonz from Happy Days? He couldn’t say sorry because the Fonz was perfect so how could he ever make a mistake?

There’s a person I knew once, who was a bit Fonz like in his estimation of himself, though nowhere near as endearing, who would not acknowledge any wrong doing or mistakes that he may have made and would cast aspersions elsewhere on others who were not ‘as fastidious’ as he!

This person however was very vigilant and sensitive to the behaviours of others. Once, when a person ‘committed’ a minor, innocuous ‘infringement’ of expected norms, he said to the miscreant, ‘it was you who left the fridge door open in the kitchen! I know it was you! Just don’t do it!’

Now, you may be thinking, 'surely that can’t be true, so much fuss over a simple everyday happening?' No, it was characteristic of this person, always predictably intransigent in his attitudes towards specific others (he had his favourites!).

What assumptions did this person make about others? Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, would suggest there are some, what he called, ‘musturbatory’ thinking going on here. These black and white beliefs see people and life in black and white terms, either this way or that way; no in between grey area thinking allowed! A ‘musturbator’ was he! Many would opine that he was just an ordinary, everyday bully cum tyrant whose toxicity was palpable. Many would also comment on how the workplace was that much better when he was away! 

Essentially, according to REBT, our non-Fonz like manager, expected people to behave as he thought they should, no ifs nor buts! And if they didn’t? They were bad people (unless a favourite!) who deserved everything they got!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Toxic

 Toxic

A stench hangs heavy

Like a shroud

Envelopes and consumes

Imbues, infests, paralyses

It trails behind

And around

Menacing, targeting

It’s evident

Even when the physical form

Is no longer there

Imprinted there

And within

The experience

And resides

In the conscious

And unconscious self

What to do?

Cast off, remove

The repulsive stains

Of misogyny 

Sexism

Homophobia

Toxic

Some people have a negative effect on the work environment and it helps to spend as little time as possible with them. The narcissist is not able to see the world from another's perspective and can justify their actions according to the deficits of others i.e. it's them not me. They then go on their merry and often destructive way, sans any guilt it would appear.

The Angry Man

And the world continued to turn. His world turned within that world. In his world everything was neat, tidy, symmetrical, clean, and predictable. This was his template for ‘normal,’ the way things 'should' be. Ordered. His world was the way it 'must' be and the big world beyond was anything but. The tension between what he demanded of the world and how things were in reality was always close to breaking. Taut. Tense. 'The Angry Man.'

We might talk of one world but there are many individually constructed worldviews. Mental health according to Albert Ellis is when we best align our own expectations and demands of self, others and life in general based on what we are most likely to get. If we don't want to feel uncomfortable and if we believe the world should give us what we want and it doesn't there is a disparity between what we want and what we receive! As Ellis reminds us:

'The world isn't for us or against us. It doesn't give a shit!'

The 'Angry Man' had a 'mindmap' of the world that didn't change. Over the years whilst the terrain had continued to modify his map did not accommodate these adjustments. He would demand that the world should be as he demanded it to be to agree with his map, but when his demands were not met he would erupt and cry foul!

He would blame everyone and everything for his anger. He was being done to, the world was against him; he was a victim. His self pity took precedence over everyone else's needs and sensibilities and he would demand that they would deliver what he wanted nay what he must have to feel OK again. His black and white views couldn't allow for any grey or reasonable assessment of situations. He couldn't bring himself to changing his own expectations of how things could be.

The 'Angry Man' in his position of workplace leader would target individuals who would not deliver what be believed he must have. His philosophy of:

 'I must absolutely always get what I want and if I don't the world is a terrible place and these people must be punished!'

Albert Ellis calls this 'musturbatory' thinking where the 'musturbator' thinks in oughts, musts and shoulds. Those who don't provide what he must have are often the target of bullying. The bully believes the victim makes him angry and she therefore deserves to be bullied! His toxicity is palpable and he will go to all lengths to get what he must have!

The 'Angry Man' would never concede that he is responsible for how he feels and behaves because he 'knows' this is not so. 'If only 'they' could see what 'they' are doing. If only 'they' would give me what I want!' is his internal dialogue, on continuous loop in his head. He programs and reprograms what he 'know's' is true by constantly practicing and reinforcing this irrational reality he has constructed.

His world turns within a world that can never give him what he believes he must have, a mismatch of realities that the 'Angry Man' can't understand as he stresses and strains to demand a world that will never (can't) match his own constructed reality.

Beware Bullies - be aware, be vigilant, be well

Many would say that bullies bully because they feel inferior and they get a 'self esteem' boost when they put others 'in their place.' Research Ken Rigby/Giulio Bortolozzo suggests that bullies can have a healthy sense of self worth but may still be inclined to bully others. The research suggests that in schools we can focus on 'psychologically immunising' our students with a dose of Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA).

Albert Ellis encourages us to develop our USA so we are less likely to be the targets of bullies because we will more inclined to act confidently. Bullies will tend to target those they perceive to be weak. Some would also say that bullying is a cowardly act! My experience of bullies suggests that this is so. #REBT #schools #bullying #mentalhealth

Some people manage bullies well, whilst others don't. It's always a question of how well the prospective victim can learn to manage the bully. A 'good' bully will invest a lot of time setting up alliances that will deliver him what he wants. The more willing his offsiders are to play the game the better for him and them. It's always a contract of mutual benefit to both players and as long as they play by his rules all is well.

There are those who are more at risk, whose circumstances render them sitting ducks for the unconscionable and contriving professional bully. And these can be put into two categories of usefulness. 

1. The 'good' operator who is worth tolerating because she can manage projects well. A well managed project reflects well on the self aggrandising bully; makes him look good. She may have traits that he doesn't like; perhaps she is assertive and intolerant of e.g. sexist behaviour which the bully regards as 'jocularity.' He will put up with her for as long as the project needs her. He will then look for other options as circumstances demand them.

2. The person who doesn't suit his vision for the organisation and whose services are expendable. They may be excellent at their job but perhaps they aren't malleable enough, not amenable to direction, commands, edicts and who may not be predisposed to massaging his outsized ego. This person may not have an important project to oversee and is perhaps most vulnerable.

In REBT terms the bully is what Albert Ellis calls a 'musturbator.' His inflated ego betrays the underlying and unrealistic demands he will place on others. His passive and polite requests belie the need to be obeyed at all costs. A polite request is the cover we ought not judge the book by, for what you see is not what you are likely to get!

What are his rules? What does he demand of life and others?

1. I must always (be seen to) do well. I can't stand it when I can't (will look to blame others when things go awry). In other words he believes 'I must always get what I want. It's my birthright.'
2. 'Everyone else absolutely must give me what I must have (because my rules are better than your rules). If they don't they are bad people and deserve to be punished.'
3. 'Life should deliver me what I must (deservedly) have. Nothing should get in the way of my desires to be successful.' 
4. 'I am only OK if I get the respect and adulation of others especially my overlords (over whom he fawns and crawls to, to win approval). If I don't win their approval I can't handle it.' (makes him a victim of the world and others and prone to chuck tantrums - look out!)

These are the 'musturbatory' rules that dictate the bully's daily regime of terror. Other people are his means to his selfish ends and as long as they fall in line all's well.

Modus Operandi of the Bully

1. Decide who is superfluous to the grand plan.
2. Pick up on an undesired trait (long tolerated up to this point) that the person has. Speak of this often to significant others.
3. Garner the support of cronies who will agree with what the bully 'wants to hear.' Spread the word - rumour and innuendo.
4. Start to micro manage the target under the pretence of 'care and concern' preferably by an appointed other (to do his dirty work).  
5. Plan for the eventual replacement of the target.

The above would not necessarily define all bullying situations but it certainly describes scenarios as reported by those who have lived this experience.

It is time wasted to try and change a bully's perspective. They may listen and give the impression of care and concern but these are feigned gestures that have no resonance with him. If they do have any capacity for compassion and empathy it isn't and never was evident (that's another story - psychopathy which may go hand in hand with bullying) 

Advice

Be aware of what's going on.
Talk to trusted others.
Spend as little time as is necessary in his presence.
Do your job as best you can.
Join a union.
Keep a diary.
Move on if you are not happy.

Any others? 

Mental Health Education - rational emotive behaviour education

Children are constructing their own views on things (philosophies) making meaning from what they see and hear in their interactions with others and the world. The conclusions they draw may be helpful or unhelpful (rational or irrational) – their ‘thinking rules.’ (unconscious/unaware)

Behaviour management is not individualised – what philosophies do those children hold (constructed)? Do they know them? How do they effect emotional and behavioural responses to situations? What can they learn/relearn that will help them?

One size fits all – assumes that:

• Children know how to behave
• They have all been exposed the same learning/experiences
• They therefore should know how to behave
• If they don’t behave appropriately they should be punished (because they should Know better) – This will not be the articulated position of the teacher/parent/other (they too may be unaware of their own constructed philosophies!)

This is a short term fix at best but it will:

• Not make sense to the child (doesn’t factor in what ‘thinking rules’ they have constructed)
• Children are blamed/judged on their behaviour
• Children believe they are ‘bad’
• Social and emotional problems – anxiety, depression, anger, shame
• Can’t engage in learning – ‘I’m bad/stupid/worthless/dumb.’

REBE is a long term approach to mental health/well being. It:

• Alerts students to their ‘thinking nature.’
• Helps them identify what they believe and why and how this relates to how feel and behave
• Empowers them to monitor emotions, check thinking, recalibrate – is this as big a problem as I believe it is?
• Helps them to challenge and change destructive personal philosophies that are not based in fact and which cause them (selves) grief
• Reduces the incidence of major mental health conditions like depression and anxiety

The REBE in Schools Program

• Recognises the dignity of the person (no shame job)
• Is teacher/student/parent friendly
• Is based on well tested psychological principles (REBT)
• Recognises students as constructivists – ‘Depression is by and large constructed therefore it can be deconstructed.’ Albert Ellis
• Is systematic, relentless, comprehensive and effective in its mission
• Is highly cost effective
• Is home grown

Doormat Syndrome – the need to be needed and self hatred!

People will sometimes present with the ‘people treat me like a doormat’ syndrome. Doormats are used to wipe dirt from the soles of shoes. Not a very attractive analogy but this image of self, engenders strong feelings of anger and sadness in the sufferer.

The client will talk of feeling angry towards the other (s), of extreme sadness because of feeling ‘not wanted.’ Why is this the case? What can she do?

Talking to a trusted other is always a good start as she acknowledges that she doesn’t feel OK and wants to feel better but this is only the beginning of her journey of healing.

As counsellor I am interested in her story her. What are the significant events in her life and what hurdles have been placed before her and how did she deal with those challenges?

It will become evident as her story unfolds that she has developed some destructive, self-defeating personal philosophies (habits of believing) that she is not aware of at this point. My job is to help her become aware of these beliefs and how they drive her intense destructive feelings and behaviours. 

I will explain Albert Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance and use it to:

•           Identify what her constructed beliefs are
•           Explain  how they have been constructed
•           Parse out significant self-defeating and irrational beliefs she holds and maintains are true
•           Help challenge and change those errant beliefs
•           Set goals and teach tools that will help her onwards

It will not be easy to change habits of thinking feeling and behaving that have been practised over a lifetime and deeply embedded in the subconscious but it is possible; with hard work and application!

Albert Ellis said the job of therapist was to ‘cherchez le should,’ look for the implied or articulated should in counselling discourse. Our client has developed a few should beliefs that need urgent attention.

We agree that she has a firm conviction that she should always minister to others (I need to be needed) that she is a good person in doing good and that others should recognise that she is a good person for doing good. When she doesn’t get her just rewards she feels bad (they should acknowledge me!)

In a nutshell Ellis would say in his inimitable way that she is a love slob where the need to be needed reigns supreme over rational thought.

And so the work begins:

•      Challenge her ‘need to be needed’ philosophy (where’s the evidence that supports this? Do you need an ambulance if someone takes umbrage if you assert want you want/prefer/say no?)
•      Work on unconditionally accepting herself (I affirm of myself). Don’t give others consent to diminish you!
•      Practise, practise, practise thinking rational self (and other) helpful thinking until they become automatic habits, characteristic of her new and confident self.

I am always aware that my interactions with others help me to hone my own counselling skills and I am grateful for these opportunities. It takes courage to reach out to another for assistance and I value that privilege. My clients are my teachers and they gift me the chance to become better at what I do. I’m getting closer to where Einstein says I can be, explaining in simple terms what I know!

 Isn’t that what teaching’s all about?

Children with poor self worth are more likely to be bullied

This article (starting below the photograph) was written by Adelaide Advertiser journalist Martina Simos which was published on 9th June 2013. The article comments on research done by myself (Giulio Bortolozzo) and Dr. Ken Rigby on student attitudes/beliefs/constructed personal philosophies and how these are linked to bullying (bully-vcitim-bystander behaviours).

The Whyalla REBE (Rational Emotive Behaviour Education) School Cluster is implementing the REBE counselling based student behaviour development program. This involves the explicit teaching of Unconditional Self Acceptance and Unconditional Other Acceptance to students which helsp students understand how the 'habits of thinking' they have formed are linked to how they feel and behave. The research mentioned below suggests that students who develop Unconditional Self Acceptance are less likely to be the victims of bullying. Rational Emotive Behaviour Education is a school wide system of behaviour development and as Rational Emotive Behaviour Educators, Whyalla teachers address bullying as part of daily teaching/learning routines.

Picture courtesy of AdelaideNow. Journalist: Martina Simos

MORE than one-in-10 South Australian students in disadvantaged areas have negative thoughts about themselves which is making them easy targets for bullying, new research has found.


The report, How Schoolchildren's Acceptance Of Self And Others Relate To Their Attitudes To Victims Of Bullying, co-authored by bullying expert Adjunct Research Professor Ken Rigby and Giulio Bortolozzo, has been published in the Social Psychology of Education: An International Journal.

The main findings, which analysed responses to questionnaires sent to 212 primary and secondary students aged between nine and 14 in disadvantaged areas, were:

TWENTY-FOUR per cent of children recorded hostile thoughts towards others.

ELEVEN per cent showed negative attitudes towards themselves.

CHILDREN who were positive about others were more likely to intervene in bullying incidents as bystanders.

The researchers believe children who have negative views about themselves need help - to become more resilient, assertive and safer - and if they have hostile views towards others, they need to learn tolerance to curb bullying behaviour.

Prof Rigby said the findings indicate school initiatives could address bullying by introducing co-operative learning and circle time where students discuss concerns in a supportive environment.

"We believe the best help for these children can be provided by teaching them to think more positively about themselves and others through the use of classroom lessons in rational emotive education," Prof Rigby said.

"Relevant are peer support programs and strategies undertaken to promote positive bystander behaviour."

Prof Rigby said: "It may come as a surprise to learn that so many South Australian schoolchildren harbour extremely negative thoughts about themselves and feel they cannot accept themselves as worthy people."

"These children were far more likely to be bullied than others," he said

by Martina Simos AdelaideNow