'Just be positive' (and other useless advice) - an REBT perspective

The 70's and 80's heralded the introduction of the 'warm fuzzies' movement. I recall a colleague saying thanks for the 'warm fuzzies' when congratulated on something he'd done. He and others would talk about giving and receiving warm fuzzies and how if you 'just be positive' things will work out in your favour. I'm all for people feeling OK and encouraging others but I would recoil at the mere mention of them (warm fuzzies).

And the word 'just' invoked a level of discomfort; as if you could flick a switch and all would be well! Just think positive. Just believe in yourself. Just have faith in yourself. You are special etc. This as useful as responding to someones concerns relative to how 'this happened to me. I know exactly how you feel. Just think positive!'

Sometimes all you can do is listen and that's good enough. We can feel compelled to fill the wordless void by offering platitudes and assurances that may not be useful to the person who is in need of a 'friendly ear.'

Now I do believe that thinking positively is a useful thing to do. There's a difference however between thinking you're OK and believing you're OK. What's the difference? The former can be fanciful and warm fuzzyish (I told myself I'm OK when you ignore me but I still feel like shit!) the latter is more substantial (I know I'm OK even if you don't think so - disappointed not depressed!)

The need to be needed?

Self belief takes work. It's a journey from intellectual insight (I understand what this means) to emotional insight (I now act and feel according to my practised and established unconditional self acceptance belief).

This work will take the student or client to places of risk where failure and possible criticism and admonishment from others may ensue. You know you are on your way when your sense of self belief remains in tact even when you are under siege; you are healthily disappointed or upset but not depressed. You resolve to try again because now you know (believe) you are OK no matter what.

This is taught to students in schools through the Rational Emotive Behaviour Education in Schools program. Based on Albert Ellis' ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance students are taught that their worth is never contingent on how others view them or how well or badly they perform at a task.

It takes work and practise to develop new habits of thinking i.e. You

• Gain insight into what you believe to be true or false
• Challenge the errant irrational belief you may hold - what evidence supports this belief?
• Deconstruct old thinking habits and build new ones - practise, try things that you may not have tried and experience success and failure
• Develop the psychological muscle that will keep you strong especially when challenged

When a person is truly self accepting she is more inclined to open herself up to new opportunities and experiences because she no longer surrenders her worth to the opinion of others or the mistakes she will inevitably make.

Forget warm fuzzies and invest in some self acceptance learning.

REBT in Schools - making kids less self disturbable

Making kids less self disturbable? What does this mean? Aren’t people disturbed by things that happen to them? Don’t we hear ourselves and others say ‘it’ makes me mad when so and so happens? Wouldn’t the world be a better place if what’s her name was this way instead of that way? etc.

If we could make ‘it’ disappear then we’d all feel better wouldn’t we? ''Please make it so that I will not be inconvenienced today and that my day will be one free of discomfort and full of joy!'' we implore. We can wish this be the case but can we guarantee it will be that way?

The problem is that inevitably we will experience discomfort in our day and how disturbed we make ourselves depend on what we expect of our day in the first place. How do we view the events of the day?

Epictetus

'Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.'

The students that come to see me are dealing with questions like; why must I do writing when I want to play on the ipad? Writing makes me mad why must I do it! Why is the teacher so mean, she won’t let me draw and she makes me mad. I’m so dumb and hopeless. You get the picture don’t you? Don’t I? Don’t they?

No they don’t and that is why they present with self defeating, debilitating feelings of anger, anxiety, shame and depression. Please make writing disappear! Please make the teacher let me do what I want when I want to! Please take ‘it’ away and then and only then can I feel OK!

'The universe doesn’t care about you, it’s not for or against you, it just doesn’t give a shit.'

Albert Ellis

Albert Ellis

If Epictetus and Ellis are right and we can’t make ‘it’ disappear then is there another way to deal with challenge and adversity, discomfort, failure and rejection? Why are these children disturbed if it isn’t ‘it’ causing them to be? Is there another cause; another factor or factors at work here?

Albert Ellis said that schools and educators could help children learn how to be less disturbable when things don’t go so well. He argues that as constructivists we have all developed our own habits of thinking (beliefs) and these mostly unconscious personal philosophies determine how strong we may respond to events and happenings. 

• I must absolutely get what I believe I must have!
• She must be my friend (she is such a louse/I am such a loser)!
• I must always get an A for my assignments (if I don’t I’m a loser)!
• It’s unfair when things don’t go my way (as they should)!

 Jonas Salk who developed the polio vaccine said to Martin Seligman:

'If I were a young scientist today, I would still do immunisation. But instead of immunising kids physically, I’d do it your way. I’d immunise them psychologically. I’d see if these psychologically immunised kids could then fight off mental illness better. Physical illness too.'

Jonas Salk

Ellis tells us that poor mental health is not so much a consequence of the ‘outside it’ but more to do with the ‘inside it!’ Children (and us) are making ourselves disturbed because of what we believe about ourselves, others and life in general. If children can learn how their thinking, feeling and behaving are linked they then have a way to begin to work out how to manage themselves more effectively i.e. so they make themselves less disturbed and more able to handle challenge, discomfort etc. This is what Salk meant about psychologically immunising children with the means to see things in a rational way. Ellis gives us this opportunity through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education and educators are taking heed!

A growing number of schools in South Australia are teaching students how as constructivists they ‘make’ ‘build’ ‘construct’ the ‘thinking rules’ that underpin how they feel and how they behave through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. They are taught to:

• Identify what they believe
• Decide whether they are helpful (rational) or unhelpful (irrational) beliefs
• Challenge, change and replace errant habits of thinking with more helpful (rational) ones
• Practise, practise, practise until old habits of thinking are replaced with new ones (automatic helpful thinking feeling and behaving)

Rational Emotive Behaviour Educators are doing this on a daily basis in schools like Para Hills School P-7 and Port Augusta West Primary School and in many others. Get on board the REBE bandwagon and see the difference it makes!

BATFINK!

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education and Behaviour Management - whats the difference?

There's confusion around behaviour management as compared with (Rational Emotive) behaviour education. So ...

All teaching and learning is based on constructivist theory. People learn in interaction with the world and others building on existing knowledge and understandings to create new learning. In other words knowledge is not acquired from some kind of  repository from which everyone draws upon for learning.

Learning takes place when new ideas and content are connected with old conceptual understandings and the learner is extended from where she is not from where somewhere presumes she is.

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education is finding where the child is in terms of her philosophical views about herself, others and life in general. When we know this we can help the child challenge what may be unhelpful personal philosophies and build (construct) better ones. We can work from where she's at. We also teach reinforce and acknowledge the helpful (rational ways of thinking - Success Helper) which are reflected in the behaviour of students who we believe are resilient.

Behaviour management assumes that the student 'should' be able to behave appropriately and 'must' think and act as is deemed the way we all 'should.' The step system is based on this philosophy and in my view 'shames' the child for not being able to act as she should. This is not helpful in the longer term. Educate or punish?

We do I agree need to manage behaviour where the  child can't but the long term view is to help the child understand that her constructed beliefs are causing her to act and feel as she does. Until she knows this in my view she will struggle.

It is my belief that many schools are applying a behaviour management system of control which contradicts what all teachers do in general teaching/learning. There are two opposing or contradictory practises in play based on two different philosophical foundations.  

On 'Being' Naughty - and what the academics are saying

Whyalla Educators on the ball!

It is helpful that academics highlight that schools in many instances are applying 'behaviour management' principles and processes which are aligned to a 'one size fits all' philosophy, a punishment model. This model contradicts the constructivist model of learning and teaching promoted via the Australian Curriculum. Educators are required to assess personal capabilities and competencies, design curriculum content that will develop students to achieve personal best outcomes and to assess and report accordingly. When it comes to behaviour however some schools (many?) expect all students to behave according to a set of rules that all 'must' abide by. This duality of philsosophic confusion sends mixed messages to all; do students learn better when learning and teaching considers 'where they are at' in terms of constructivist theory or when it is assumed that they are all at the same level of general capability? Do we manage behaviour (i think this is appropriate for some students) or do we educate them according to constructivist principles of learning? Rational Emotive Behaviour Education is the application of constructivist theory in daily practice which helps students gain insight into how they have constructed their own personal philosophies about themselves, others and the world and how these constructions are linked to how they respond emotionally and behaviourally to happenings in their day to day learning and living. Accordingly I agree with this article that kids are not and cannot 'be' naughty, however they can 'act' naughtily. They (we) 'are' not their (our) behaviours. The label of 'naughty' is a nonsense that we perpetuate through a system of behaviour learning/management based on an 'everyone is the same' principle. Talk to teachers in Whyalla who have been teaching Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy principles in daily teaching practice for more that 3 years now. Talk to Cathryn Herbert, principal of Hincks Avenue Primary School and Jan Burton principal of Whyalla Stuart Campus R/7 or Bryan Rotherham principal at Long Street Primary and they will tell you that global rating terms like naughty, bad, good, a shit etc are not used as teachers are trained in providing behaviour and not person specific feedback to students who may choose good/bad behaviours but are not good/bad people! These educators oversee the application of Rational Emotive Behaviour Education across all curriculum areas according to constructivist theory and based on Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. This is happening under the noses of academics who have not invested any time or interest in the great work of educators working in very demanding and challenging contexts in Whyalla. Or have I missed something?

http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/south-australia/school-naughty-corner-and-disciplinary-suspensions-in-schools-may-be-human-rights-abuses-say-south-australian-academics-dr-anna-sullivan-and-professor-bruce-johnson/story-fni6uo1m-1226983582813?nk=11be426a5805c8d17b1097358c5d1553

POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY according to the 'gospel of St. Albert' - Whyalla workshop

Teachers, SSO's and counsellors in Whyalla continue to promote Albert Ellis' gospel of self efficacy and resilience through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. The original 'positive psychologist' Albert Ellis has invited educators since the early 1950's to introduce REBT into schools so that students can learn how to unlearn and relearn habits of believing that they have constructed over their lifetime. The ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance is a very useful teaching and counselling tool. and educators in Whyalla, South Australia are using it daily!

The REBT Network and Albert Ellis

The information below is taken from the REBT Network site (http://www.rebtnetwork.org/). This website was set up to provide information and support to those interested in Dr. Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. A network of schools is applying REBT across all year levels through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education in Whyalla, South Australia. All teachers have been trained in the understanding and application of Ellis' REBT. They are successfully using Ellis' renowned and tested ABC Theory Theory of Emotional Disturbance to teach students how feelings and behaviours are attached to constructed personal philosophies about ourselves, others and life. The Whyalla REBE School Network appreciates the support given to educators to help students fulfill their potential.

Albert Ellis and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT)

The REBT Network was established in 2006 to promote Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) and the life and work of its creator, Dr. Albert Ellis, Ph.D.  Central to REBT's teachings is the ancient psychological insight of Epictetus, who said, “What disturbs men's minds is not events but their judgments on events.”  That idea helped REBT become both an effective, evidence-based psychotherapy and a philosophy of living.

The REBT Network is a public service, news organization designed to provide self-help information, news updates, historical background and educational essays about REBT and the contributions of Dr. Albert Ellis to the field of psychology and philosophy.  We sell no products or services.

Dr. Ellis founded an educational and therapy institute in 1959, which is now known as the Albert Ellis Institute.   From 2005, up until the time of his death, Dr. Ellis was involved in a legal dispute with the Albert Ellis Institute, which he said was following an agenda that is in many ways inconsistent with Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy.  The REBT Network is in no way affiliated with the Albert Ellis Institute.

Albert Ellis Ph.D. was a clinical psychologist who trained as a psychoanalyst. Early in his career, he became disillusioned with the slow progress of his clients. He noticed that they got better much quicker once they changed their ways of thinking about themselves and their problems. In 1955 he developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT).

Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) is now a widely-practiced, comprehensive, and highly effective form of psychotherapy. In addition to being a proven therapy, REBT offers an approach to life that leads to greater fulfillment and happiness. At the heart of REBT are the concepts of unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other-acceptance, and unconditional life-acceptance.

Please visit http://www.rebtnetwork.org for more information.

OUGHTISM

Some not only wish that life were as they would want it to be but insist it should be so. This fanciful way of thinking projects a world where everything is as it ‘oughta be.’ Do you ought should or must on yourself, others and the world?

• Must you always meet your own lofty expectations of yourself?
• Must others always treat you as you would like to be treated?
• Must life in general always deliver what you want?

This form of oughtism manifests in all manner of ailments that get in the way of achieving our goals.

For instance ‘should’ that driver have let you in back there and is he an idiot for not being as attentive as he could (should?) have been?

Are you a hopeless case for getting a C minus in your assignment instead of the A you ‘should’ have got?

Should life be easy for you and deliver to you all that you want to be happy? Isn’t it so unfair when things don’t go your way?

These constructed oughtistic beliefs deny us the ability to deal with challenges appropriately. For instance if we think the driver above should have let you in and he is an idiot for not doing so we may feel angrier than we need be. We may also act aggressively and make poor behavioural choices. Is he making you mad or is your anger a result of your demand that he should have acted more courteously?

Ever said to your child you make me so mad! Is she so powerful that she can determine how strong you feel? Is she responsible for causing your feelings and behaviour? ‘She made me mad and I slapped her. It’s her fault!’ 

Is it reasonable to think that as adults we are now able to assume responsibility of our own emotions and behaviour? Is it not better for our children to observe us dealing with situations in a constructive way so that they won’t develop these self (and other) destructive oughtistic tendencies?

Ideas

• Train yourself to monitor how you react emotionally to a situation; identify how you feel and         how strong that feeling is. Do you feel mad (say 7 or more out of 10)?
• Are you about to rant and throw stuff?
•  Ask yourself ‘Am I in control?’
•   Take some deep breaths and remove yourself from the situation.
•   What are you demanding of the situation that you can’t reasonably expect? E.g. ‘that driver should have let me in back there. Idiot. He makes me mad!’
•     Replace ‘should’ with ‘prefer’ – I’d prefer he’d let me in but he didn’t and I can handle this. His behaviour was bad but that doesn’t make him an idiot.’ 

You will notice that anger gives way to annoyance and disappointment and you remain in control. Your four year old in her seat behind you well notice how well you manage yourself and she will learn some useful rules like:

•    I can stay cool in tough situations
•    I don’t expect that things should/must always go my way
•    I can control how I feel (and act)
•    I can deal with problems without making small problems into bigger ones

She will learn that sometimes things happen that we don’t like but we don’t turn minor problems into catastrophes i.e. We prefer people were more courteous on the road (sometimes they make mistakes).

We are oughting when we think/say:

•      I can't stand this/it! (This shouldn’t happen)
•      I/you failed. Idiot! (I/you shouldn’t fail)
•      It’s not fair! (Life should always be fair)
•     You make me mad! (You shouldn’t do that)
•     I’m hopeless (I shouldn’t make mistakes)

Should I?

I know I can't expect

And I won't

That others should do

When they don't.

I will instead

Accept others

And agree

That everyone else

May think (and act) differently

To me!

Oughtism: The oughtomatic tendency to think in oughts, shoulds and musts.

REBT and Aspergers

The English lingo is replete with idioms that would pose a problem or two to a student with Aspergers Syndrome. Certain turns of phrase would be as clear as muddy water! She would remain none the wiser if you were to ask her to ‘pull your socks up’ or ‘pull your finger out'or 'take a chair!’ Are you with me? She’d be flat out trying to cop on to the message.  How difficult would it be to get a handle on the meaning of a message if it can only be taken literally.

Consider the expressions ‘to get a handle on something’ and ‘turns of phrase’ mentioned above. Somehow we internalise these expressions, which make particular meanings and we draw them out of our linguistic hat and use them in the right place at the right time in the right context (We hope!). But what of the student who has Aspergers Syndrome?  What assumptions can we make about her capacity to understand these culturally specific idioms?

I was once asked to observe a student in the classroom setting as the teacher had some concerns about the child’s behaviour. I asked the student on one occasion ‘is that your paper under the desk there? To which he replied ‘yes it is’ and continued to carry on doing what he was doing. Implied in my words and tone was ‘there’s paper under your desk. I assume it’s yours and will you pick it up?’ I expected that the student would understand this, as most other students would do in my experience. I remember I found this interesting and repeated what I asked before. The result was exactly the same and then it dawned on me (‘to dawn on someone’ – another one!) that this person might be exhibiting characteristics of Aspergers Syndrome.   He understood the literal meaning of what I had said and responded accordingly but had missed the other more subtle meanings conveyed by tone and body language. How much more trouble would this student have dealing with idiomatic terms such as those mentioned above?

As it turned out he was diagnosed eventually as having Aspergers Syndrome.

What can happen if we assume a student ‘should’ know what was being asked of him? He would be reprimanded possibly labeled a naughty so and so who ‘should’ show more respect to his elders! The student would be wondering what’s going on. ‘You asked me if that was my paper under my desk and I answered you. Why am I in trouble?’ And it would escalate from there as mutual misunderstanding prevailed. 

As Karen Horney once said

‘Try to eliminate the word ‘SHOULD’ from your vocabulary … but try doing so though without replacing ‘SHOULD’ with OUGHT or YOU”D better.”

Karen Horney

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education reminds us that when we operate from a ‘shouldist’ perspective we don’t make helpful judgements and we don’t feel our optimum best.  Our ‘behaviour management’ approach to addressing student behaviour is based on such a perspective. All students are the same and they should all know better. Right?

Not true. Someone once said, ‘treating everyone the same is not equality.’

However we continue to persist with this system of warnings, detention, suspension and exclusion. Why is this approach unhelpful to our Aspergers student? What ‘musts’ ‘oughts’ and ‘shoulds’ underpin this one size fits all approach to behaviour (mis)education?

Rational Emotive Behaviour Educators will:

·  Not assume that all students absolutely should behave as the teacher believes they must.

·  Remain calm as they will not demand that they should get something that they know they won’t get (in the short term).

·  Teach students how their thinking feeling and behaviour are linked together.

·  Negotiate learning goals with students to help them develop their competencies.

·  Regard behaviour education as part of the curriculum and not exclusive of it.

Specific to the Asperger child the Rational Emotive Behaviour Educator will:

·  Understand that she will take things literally so teaching about idiom would help or choosing not to use it is an option in some situations.

·  Be explicit, ‘please pick up that paper under your desk?’ rather than ‘is that your paper under the desk?’

·   Help her challenge inflexible ‘must’ expectations e.g. ‘People must always behave as I believe they must’ or ‘things always must be the way I want them to be’ (social stories, change classroom furniture, change the timetable) by exposing the student to subtle and explained changes.

·  Teach her to put the ‘badness’ of situations in perspective, to decatastrophise so she accepts that when she doesn’t get what she believes she must have, she can handle it.

·  Teach her to prefer rather than demand that others/the world should always give her what she wants.

Foreshore, Whyalla, South Australia