Angus’ experience to date had
taught him that he was inherently stupid and along with other associated
self-generated conditions he decided he was in essence a no hoper. How did he
‘know’ this? Because the information he received from others and the meanings
he made of it, led him to conclude he was a hopeless case.
Therefore, he anticipated failure and rejection. And he expected that the
world would ‘be’ unfair and if anything good came his way, it was an accident,
fate. He had constructed a predominantly Brain Bully sense of who he was, an
irrational assessment of his nature, his capabilities; he had a bad self, and
he deserved failure and the derision of others. His anger, depression and
anxiety were attached to a belief construction that was informed by messages received
which he deemed were true and correct. His significant adult mentors and others
informed his belief constructions and his take on reality was set, and it was
not a very healthy one.
Angus didn’t get some things and
rather than revisit, review, retry he accepted that not getting something the
first time was a true indicator of his ability and worth. His Brain Bully
philosophy was played and replayed in his mind so his was a fixed mindset
outlook. He was:
Not of any worth
The world was unfair
He couldn’t see any light at the
end of the tunnel, (he didn’t look anyway, because there was none).
So, Angus’ trajectory would be one
of inertia, risk aversion, self-damning and how woe was he .. Unless something
changed.
He felt angry a lot coz every
mistake, every mishap, every criticism reinforced what he knew already. He
learned not to try, to give in before he started. He projected failure and he
couldn’t see any value in the self he had constructed, a Brain Bully perspective
on himself and also on others and life in general. His virtually constructed
take on his reality was warped, irrational, errant; a Brain Bully way of
thinking.
Angus thought in absolutes. He was a ‘shouldist’ a devotee of ‘absolutism.’ He should get what he wants, others should treat him fairly and respectfully, and the world should give him what he wants at all times. He sought the approval of others, to affirm his worthiness, and when they didn’t approve of him, he felt bad. What he didn’t do was approve of himself unconditionally, a Brain Friend construct.
There was one
person he knew who was generally happy and optimistic and didn’t rely on the
approval of others. Her name was Suzy and she was in his class at school. Ms.
Smithers was their teacher. Suzy thinks in preferences, she prefers the world,
others give her want she wants, to like her, but they don’t have to. Suzy is a
‘prefer – ist.’ She prefers rather than demands that life goes well for her but
she also expects that there will be times when it won’t and that she can handle
challenges.
Can Suzy help Angus?
Suzy is a doozy! She has a ‘growth
mindset’ sensibility. The virtual map she has constructed best represents the
territory, the world, her reality. Hers is a Brain Friend belief outlook, the
antithesis of Angus’ world view dominated by Brain Bully thinking on a loop in
his head.
Suzy suggests that Angus tune in to
how he is feeling. If his emotional reactions are intense, immediate,
overbearing etc then assume that Brain Bully is at work, deep in his
subconscious. She helps him with emotional regulation strategies (breathing, time
out, walk away eyc) whilst at the same time explains what BB beliefs are and
how they are the drivers of his extreme emotional and behavioural upset. What
are his Brain Bully rules for living? How did they get there? What are they and
how do we expel them, kick them to the kerb?
Suzy and Ms Smithers will help.
Suzy and Ms Smithers mentored
Angus, helping him to recognise Brain Bully thinking, to challenge it and
dismantle it, see it for the nonsense it was. They schedule activities and
challenges for Angus to undertake, to challenge himself and prove that his nonsensical
Brain Bully thinking had no basis in fact. It will take a while and lots of
practice and reflection, and practice and reflection! Did I mention practice?
And practice.
Angus listened and endeavoured to
learn. He learned that he had constructed a Brain Bully mentality that governed
how he felt and how he behaved. He was learning that others, the world did not
‘make’ him present this way. He realised that whilst bad things might happen,
their badness was connected to how he interpreted, perceived them. He was
making himself angry, anxious, depressed etc.
With help he identified those
troublesome Brain Bully beliefs and considered what evidence they were based
on. He began to challenge the ideas he held to be true and replaced them with
Brain Friend, evidence-based constructs. This translated to better regulated
feelings and behaviours.
Ms Smithers could see the benefit
of the Have a Go Spaghettio! pedagogy and it was doing its job. It reinforced
the BF nature of Suzy’s thinking and helped to challenge and change those BB
habits of thinking that Angus was struggling with.
They were giving it a try banana
pie!
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