Skip to main content

The Obnoxious Child

According to my lap top thesaurus obnoxious means 'loathsome, hateful, insufferable and abhorrent' amongst many others. Students present with a range of developmental needs and it is teachers business to find out what those needs are and how best to address them. What do we do when we have concluded that a particular child is loathsome? What have we done when we have labelled a student so?

If you are an educator or someone who works with children you may have had moments of utter frustration where you have declared to yourself or to others that so and so is a total ‘shit’ and is ruining what is otherwise the ‘perfect’ class. What do you do when you think this way? What do you do when you feel this way? How do you act when you think and feel like this?

Your frustration may be fleeting as you talk to others and reflect on the situation and anger and frustration eventually gives way to concern as you again try to find another way to support this child.

On the other hand your anger may be sustained and your resentment towards this child may build to the point where you believe the only satisfactory outcome would be if this child could be removed from your class, the school, your life!

Interestingly the same obnoxious child we are talking about may not evoke the same sentiments in your colleague who works with this child. Why? We are talking about the same child are we not?

Let’s consider the above scenario from an REBT/REBE perspective in regard to the teacher and the student and perhaps suggest ways in which the teacher can manage a trying and challenging situation.


Ellis strongly recommends that we examine our core philosophical beliefs about others. He talks about unconditional acceptance of others, acknowledging that people will make mistakes and do inappropriate things, which don’t/can’t negate the positive aspects and qualities of the person. From this viewpoint we can say that the child may have done/does ‘obnoxious’ things but is herself not obnoxious. Having an attitude of acceptance of the person separates the person from the deed and whilst it may not be easy to do it is well worth cultivating such an attitude for the benefit of the child and the teacher.

If we believe that people can be totally bad or obnoxious we then may feel resentful and angry towards the ‘bad’ person. This feeling of anger and resentment will be sustained as we maintain the belief that this person is making us angry. Logically then it will follow that we can only be happy when the source of our unhappiness is removed (the obnoxious child is making us angry). REBT holds that this philosophical stance is self-defeating for the teacher (I only accept people who are ‘good’ and not ‘bad’) because it maintains the unhealthy feelings outlined above and leads to poor actions towards the child e.g. ignored, constantly criticised, put down. It is important to be clear about the source of our anger and resentment towards the obnoxious child (and any other person we decide is ‘bad’). Albert Ellis said, “We feel and act as we do because we believe as we do!” He calls this Conditional Acceptance of Others; we only accept others when they meet our demands to behave as we want them to behave when we want them to. When we don’t get what we must have we feel angry. WE MAKE OURSELVES ANGRY BECAUSE OF THE WAY WE THINK!

What are the consequences for the child? She is in a perilous position because a very significant person in her life (you) has decided that she is not worthy of your attention or respect. She is bad (not good) and bad people should be punished (ignored, put down). Not only does she do bad, she is bad! This will only reinforce her belief that she is bad (a shit, an arsehole, worthless) and this will manifest in longer-term behavioural and emotional problems. The Dalai Lama says:

“In our daily life a certain way of thinking makes us happy, and a certain way of thinking makes us unhappy.”

What can the teacher do to manage this situation effectively? How can she manage her feelings and behaviour? How can the child be supported in this challenging situation?

1. Understand that you determine how you feel and behave. Not others.
2. Examine your beliefs. Do you accept others only on certain conditions?
3. Cultivate an attitude of acceptance of others; understand the difference between behaviour and person.
4. Monitor your self-talk. Beware of shoulds, oughts and musts.
5. Accept yourself (look up Unconditional Self Acceptance).
6. Accept that things may not always work to plan.
7. Think in preferences not shoulds. ‘I would prefer she did as she was asked but I accept she doesn’t absolutely have to.’
8. ‘It takes a village to raise a child.’ Address the child’s needs from a whole school perspective. Enlist the help of others.
9. Believe that the child is not essentially bad. Damn the sin not the sinner!

Are you a bad person for believing that a student is bad? Absolutely not! You have many positive qualities and capabilities, which can never be taken away. You are always worthwhile no matter what. Is this not also true of the ‘obnoxious’ child?

“In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher." Dalai Lama

Dr Albert Ellis


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Grieving the Loss of Self When Narcissistic Feed Dries Up

Professor Sam Vaknin is an authority on narcissistic personality disorder. His videos are informative and well communicated which helped my understanding of this condition. A narcissists  'feed' dries up when the supply of others adulation and affirmation withers and stops. A crisis ensues when the narcissist realises that incoming approval has diminished and their idealised self is under attack. The contrived and carefully constructed 'self' is no longer acknowledged and valued by external sources. They cease 'to be' because the sources feeding their self sees through the narcissists grandiose and phony veneer. The self they have concocted and which demands the positive regard and affirmation of those they have trained to adore them, is but an irrational virtual representation of the real world. There's a disparity between the narcissists version of reality and how things really are, projecting a world of fantasy replayed on a loop inside their heads, feedi...

APPROVALISM – the philosophy of the ‘love slob’

An approvalist is one who practices the philosophy of Approvalism. An approvalist lives life for the service of others seemingly without thought for self, ministering to the needs of others, making life ‘better’ for them. A good approvalist needs to do for others and her worth is measured according to how others view her and how helpful she can be to others. Approvalists say ‘yes’ to others demands and requests and are ultra sensitive to the needs of others (they must be rescued and saved). If they don’t perform to their own lofty expectations or (quelle catastrophe!) others don’t seem to value them (as they should) then they tend to harshly judge themselves as being ‘bad’ and may down themselves harshly! They will think, ‘I should have known that he needed support. I should have been there. I should have done better. I am a loser. It’s my fault he is in such a mess.’ They may also experience deep anger and direct it towards those ‘who do not appreciate me, after all shouldn’t they ...

Positive Psychology and Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy

The ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance illustrates how feelings and behaviour at C are determined by what happens at A and B i.e. what we believe (B) about what happens (A). This is an A+B=C philosophy. What happens when our constructed view of ourselves equates to an A=C way of believing e.g. failing at A makes me feel depressed at C and causes me to give up. An A=C philosophy ‘If I fail at A I feel really bad at C 'it' (A) makes me angry and sad’ is problematic for our less resilient kids because they are unaware that constructed beliefs at B have a lot to do with it! 
A is what happens e.g. 'someone has rejected me!' and C is how I feel and act in response to A e.g. 'I feel really sad because she has rejected me so I stay at home etc' The depth of despair and how long it lasts will depend on how self accepting the person is. If a child ‘needs’ the approval of others he/she is at risk of depression, anger, anxiety because...