The Life and Legacy of Dr Albert Ellis, Creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy

Albert Ellis

Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis agreed to answer a few questions about her mission to keep the work and legacy of her late husband Dr Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, alive and thriving. She took time out from her busy schedule to answer some questions.

Giulio: Thanks for the chat, Debbie. Could you give us a snapshot of Dr Ellis’ childhood?

Debbie: His childhood contained a number of challenges. He suffered from various serious and painful conditions, including nephritis and migraines, from infancy onward. Al made a conscious decision that he didn’t want to feel so very sad, hence he found ways to distract himself from the deep sadness such as reading books in the hospital’s children’s library, making up games to play with children in the ward, talking with their visitors, and daydreaming about his baseball heroes and about what he wanted to do when he grew up.

Al was 3 years of age when he taught himself to read with the help of his 5-year-old friend. They would sit on the stoop in front of their building and his friend would read out loud while Al observed and, by doing so, learned to read!

He was a voracious reader, often borrowing books from his school’s library and from the New York public library, and after he’d read every book that he borrowed, and there were no books there that he hadn’t already read - he would re-read the books he’d enjoyed reading previously!

One of his dreams had been to write the great American novel, and he had also said that if he could have afforded to learn music, he would have loved to be a composer/musician. Due to the financial depression of those years, he could not afford to pay for such lessons. He was able to study for his Master’s degree and Ph.D. at Columbia University Teachers College due to his getting scholarships.

Incidentally, I teach two courses at Columbia University: Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) and Comparative Psychotherapies, in the very building in which Al did those studies! Carl Rogers also attained his degrees there a few years prior to Al doing so.

Giulio: Dr Ellis thrived on thinking, working, creating, and spreading the ‘Gospel of St Albert’. What was his motivation?

Debbie: Indeed, his life was dedicated to helping as many people around the globe as possible, of every culture, gender, religion, or lack of religion, learn that they were responsible for creating their emotional experiences. He taught that it wasn’t their circumstances, but their attitudes and beliefs, which created their emotions.

REBT is incredibly empowering for people who are genuinely wanting to change unhelpful ways, and who are willing to make ongoing effort. Having suffered so much in various ways in his earlier years, he earnestly wanted to make a profound difference to humanity by helping individuals to help themselves to prevent unnecessary suffering.

Giulio: And of course, his sense of humour. How important did he consider humour to be in the therapeutic process?

Debbie: Al considered humour to be very important and very beneficial to people who wanted to not only feel better, but to get and stay better! Humour helps us put things into healthy perspective, helps us prevent ourselves from blowing things out of proportion or minimizing them, and is very beneficial in helping bring equanimity to those who take themselves, others, and life in general tooooo seriously!!!

Giulio: I’ve read that Dr Ellis, when giving therapy, was expert at listening to his clients and parsing out those debilitating beliefs that caused them so much bother, and that he did so with warmth, empathy and of course humour. What can you tell us about Dr Ellis in practice?

Debbie: Yes, Al was a respectful and superb listener. He could practically instantly identify any of their irrational thoughts. Also, he picked up on the nuances of what was said rather than just falling for the literal words and had a very finely tuned intuitive ability that enhanced that.

He demonstrated the power to help, inspire and contribute healing guidance to those who were open to receiving those gifts, utilizing his years of experience, wisdom, knowledge, and compassion.

Giulio: Dr Ellis was originally trained in psychoanalysis in the tradition of Freud and others. He famously said that people felt better when talking to the therapist, but rarely did they get and stay better. The idea that people could learn to help themselves seemed to be a revolutionary idea at the time. Where did this thinking lead Dr Ellis?

Debbie: Yes, he was probably the first psychologist/psychotherapist to encourage self-help for people who were not severely or endogenously disturbed. That added to his unpopularity among many of therapist peers who gave long term therapy and unintentionally (or perhaps some did so intentionally) encouraged clients/patients to develop dependence on them.

The so-called “new age” period that started around the 1960/70/80s contains many Ellisonian elements, as does executive coaching which is very popular these days. Many of the current approaches in psychotherapy are based on, or significantly influenced by, the incredible contributions of my brilliant Al, the pioneering genius, visionary, humanist, scientist, artist, humourist, and so much more.

Giulio: Many people were lucky enough to be mentored by him (as indeed was I) and say they stood on the shoulders of this ‘Giant of Psychotherapy’ and Dr Ellis encouraged others. Many counselling paradigms lead back to Dr Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance, which is why he is considered the grandfather of cognitive therapy. Can you talk to this and also to his generosity and goodwill towards others in the field of psychotherapy?

Debbie: Yes indeed. He was the most generous academic I know or have ever heard of. Anyone, famous in the field or not, who sent him a manuscript asking him for his opinion, would find their manuscript returned within days – full of red markings and suggestions. The famous Dr William Glasser (Choice/Reality Theory pioneer) would often share that he sent his first manuscript for his first book to Al for Al’s feedback, and within 2 days he received it back from Al - practically re-written!

Arnold Lazarus PhD, father of Multimodal Therapy (MT) who first came up with the term ‘cognitive behaviour therapy’, credits Al for pushing him to develop, write and publish on that MT approach rather than to simply work with Al in his institute, as Arnie had originally wanted to do.

Dr Aaron (Tim) Beck, who is often thought of as the father of CT/CBT, used to give credit to Al for being a profound help and influence on his work. Al’s REBT came out in the early 1950’s, and Beck’s in the late 1960s. It is unfortunate that such facts are not being presented sufficiently by some CBT teachers, though there are some who do teach the facts. In Al’s autobiography he included letters between him and Beck. Sadly, many students these days have the wrong impression that CBT came before REBT, and don’t realize how thoroughly CBT is based on REBT.

Giulio: He advocated for the introduction of REBT principles in teaching and learning and said that ‘the future of psychotherapy is in the school system.’ This again was an idea ahead of its time as social emotional behavioural wellbeing programs are now commonplace in schools. Can you talk about his strong desire that REBT become a part of the school curriculum? What benefits did he envisage?

Debbie: Oh yes! He passionately wanted REBT principles taught to as many people as possible - and the sooner the better.
The more rigid a person’s thinking is, the more effort it will likely take for them to change it.

If people learn sound principles in childhood, there is good chance that they will develop into adults with habitual tendencies to think about their thinking (metacognize), catch and dispute irrational self-defeating thoughts, and develop the habit of thinking rationally. As a consequence of doing that, healthy emotions and behaviours are likely.

Also, one of the most important lessons in REBT is to create and maintain unconditional self-acceptance, unconditional other acceptance, and unconditional life acceptance.
In the absence of those attitudes, bullying, self-downing, shame and depression are created - and one or some of those acts, attitudes and emotions can often contribute to, or be present when suicide is attempted. Prevention can be the greatest cure.

Dr Albert Ellis wanted REBT taught in every school! - Not only to students, but also to teachers, principals, admin staff, and parents.

Giulio: Can you provide the reader with information about your work in keeping the legacy of your husband, Dr Albert Ellis alive and thriving, so many years after his passing? You have a busy schedule of teaching, presentations, and workshops. What feedback are you receiving on your travels about REBT and how it is evolving in the present day?

Debbie: It is my passion and mission to do all I can to keep REBT alive and thriving, so that as many people as possible can benefit from it. I love teaching it, presenting on it, writing about it, and practicing it with my clients.

I felt humbled and honoured when I was nominated by Dr Frank Farley and Dr Stanley Krippner this year (2023), only a few months ago, for the American Psychological Association’s International Division’s “Global Citizen Award.”

My late husband entrusted me to continue his work after his passing, he often said so in his final years, and wrote it in various places including in his autobiography. He said he loved the way I communicate (as I loved the way he did!). Certainly, we had different styles, but our love for REBT and our dedication to helping others was one of the many things we had in common.

I am grateful to receive very positive feedback from individuals who attend the events, trainings, and presentations etc. that I present here in the USA and internationally. In recent times I have been invited to speak to groups of people who are dealing with issues of addiction, and some of those attendees shared that what they learned was truly life changing.

Thank you for the powerful work you do Giulio in walking your REBT/REBE talk, and helping, teaching, and inspiring so many people. Thank you for your great questions here and thank you for your part in continuing the legacy of the magnificent Albert Ellis Ph. D!

Giulio: You’re welcome! Thanks, Debbie, for your interest and the work you do and for taking time out for this chat.

Giulio is an Ed. D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He works as a Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor at a public school in Adelaide.
Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis is Adjunct Professor at Columbia Teachers College, New York. She is a licensed psychologist (Australia), licensed mental health counsellor (New York), presenter and writer. You can find out more about Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis and her work here: www.debbiejoffeellis.com

Roger Bent Walked a Crooked Mile!

Roger Bent was an aspirational type who worked out early what he wanted and aimed to become what he imagined he could be. He was not particularly gifted in any significant way but he had a brimming reservoir of self-belief that fuelled his trajectory to his goal of greatness. He was besotted with himself and his narcissistic desires, and his wants and needs took precedence over those of others, who were useful only as far as that they could help him onwards and upwards.

'The only thing worse than ignorance is arrogance.' Albert Einstein

He was a classroom teacher for a while and he tolerated the discomfort and ignominy of sitting on what he thought was the bottom rung of the corporate ladder. This was a temporary situation as he worked out the lie of the land, and how best he would use those around him to get what he wanted.

He made strategic connections with significant others, saying the right thing to the right people at the right time, making personal and professional alliances with those who would help him on his way.

His leadership colleagues recognised the attributes and qualities which would help them in their quest for corporate glory. They relayed this good news to their line manager, the local education director who deemed he had potential and had ‘corporate’ sensibilities.

Bent had ingratiated himself into what would become a powerful and influential trinity of influence and privilege; the aspiring classroom teacher leader, the narcissist principal, and the bully director.

'Sycophants suck up to those who can help them and discard them when they are of no use to them anymore.'  Dr. Dan D. Ruff

Though still a lowly classroom teacher Bents profile grew in the school as he worked hard to help his principal achieve their goals, meet site KPI’s which in turn would reflect well on the director overseer whose reputation was only as good as the network school’s performance.

The students of course were to Bent what all insignificant others were, a means to an end. He supported the director and the principal in beefing up the academics of reading, writing and arithmetic whilst music, play based learning and other secondary subject considerations became afterthought electives. The better the academic test scores, the stronger the trinity became. The results reflected well on them and their need for approval became the driving force behind what they did.

'I need their approval.' Roger Bent

It wasn’t long before Bent got his foot in the leadership door and he was rewarded by the principal for his dedication to the tasks they set for him, which he attended to without question. He was anointed duly as the curriculum coordinator with the accompanying privileges and entitlements. The director in turn was happy to rubber stamp what was essentially a principal/director strategically made appointment.

Bent became less interested in the lives and travails of his teacher peers as their usefulness diminished whilst his leadership fortunes continued upward. He had no qualms about this as he now moved in the rarefied air of the influencers and decision makers. He had become a privileged leadership group member, a comrade in arms who set themselves apart from the classroom teacher plebs who were there to do their bidding.

'Teacher's should know their place and do what they are told.' Education Director, Dame Dorrie Dumpling

The Leadership Group expressed their privilege and entitlement in not-so-subtle ways, reflecting a coarse and naïve disregard and disrespect for the classroom teachers who worked tirelessly just down the corridor from where they would often meet. They would chat, laugh, and socialise as they believed they were entitled to and they reflected on where they had come from, lowly classroom teachers to managers and decision makers. They would order in take away and go on extended ‘meetings’ outside of school with the odd Maccas stopover or shopping jaunt as they wended their way back to school, having left some underling to cover for them. Yes, this was the way to go and Bent thought that there were more spoils in the offing.

'A corporatized education leader is a person who says yes to whatever is demanded of them without question.' Aunt Nellie Norbitt

Bent was on his way to better things and he accrued brownie points for doing what was demanded of him and which he did with alacrity. The rank and file distrusted him and his motives but he cared not a jot! Those in the know valued his contributions to the collective corporate goals, aims and objectives, and he felt satisfied with his progress … for now.

Bent negotiated, fawned, and crawled his way to a principalship. He stayed connected with his mentors and they fed off each other’s egos and they’d meet and regale their successes and wins in the business of education.

'To be a leader one has to risk the dislike and disdain of others but in the end it doesn't matter as long as I get what I want.' Roger Bent

Mr Bent eventually, found himself appointed as a local education director and he felt appropriately chuffed at the speed at which he’d reached this milestone and he thought the sky was the limit though he’d focus on this role for the time being. He had an office and staff to tend to his administrative needs and he was set. But it wasn’t as easy as he thought. He was accountable and had oversight over a network of schools and he soon realised he was out of his depth.

One local school was doing particularly well and he fell into a cosy relationship with the principal there. He knew he had to look after those who made him look good but this was his undoing, the great unravelling, the beginning of his demise, the beginning of the end.

How could this be? How could our golden teacher prodigy get so close but in the end fall oh so far from the world he had imagined in the early days? He had fallen foul of his own underhanded shenanigans.

The local school which he had cosied up to had what we will call staff troubles. Though the school had ‘performed’ exceedingly well in the national tests and everyone was appropriately well chuffed there was a simmering undercurrent of discontent, a potential powder keg of resentment of the disenfranchised, a disquiet that detracted from the overall health and wellbeing of the people who worked there and which could explode at any moment, a toxic slurry of discontent!

'The shit would surely hit the fan. A big jobby was on its way!' Jim 'Jobby' McGregor

What had Mr. Bent done? A school employee had been the subject of a targeted vendetta against them, not too dissimilar to the experiences of many others over the years whose ‘miscreance’ had seen them cast out the door, dismissed and discarded at the behest of a chosen few who ran the place. One particular ‘golden child’ so much loved and respected by the principal would every now and then decide that a particular ‘other’ didn’t fit their conception of how the school should look and feel. It may be that a person was popular, vivacious, competent, and skilled or well liked by the students or their parents enough to detract from the ‘golden child’s’ self-aggrandising and overinflated sense of importance (that’s another story!).

'I don't like that one. They're not nice. Get rid of them!'  Prudence Putty Nose

So, the boss did as they were told and began the process of ‘termination’ as had happened so many times over the years. The principal couldn’t countenance a situation where their favourite mentee felt uncomfortable, tearful, and unhappy and like the proverbial knight on their white steed rode to their rescue.

The targeted other had made a complaint about bullying to the appropriate authorities and confidential correspondence which went to Mr. Bents office, found its way back to the local school where the principal and his mentee were privy to information which would be prejudicial to the bullied educator’s chances of justice and fair play. Mr Bent, Roger Bent, had stepped over the line of everything ethical, professional, and right to help a ‘mate,’ to add to the bullying dynamic of bully, victim, and bystander.

Long story short, Mr Bent was investigated by the police and duly held to account and the local school principal and their sycophant enablers were disciplined accordingly. A new school leadership team was appointed and the school moved on from this unfortunate situation.

No, wait! That’s not right! Mr Bent was moved sideways with all the usual pay and privileges due a Regional Director and the principal and their bullying buddies remained where they were. Mysteriously, the corporate protection squad made the problem go away. Nothing to see here, all’s well that ends well, no?

The bullied educator was left to ponder the imponderable and though they had some satisfaction knowing that they were heard, they were left with a sense of helplessness and disappointment in a system that favours the favoured while the rest go and suffer in their jocks!

'Suffer in your jocks!' Darryl Kerrigan

PS 'I teach kids because I want to and I like it. I don't want to 'escape' to any 'leadership' position. I have standards!' Ed. E. Cated, classroom teacher 

PPS Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead (or those who just seem that way), is purely coincidental.

My Brain Felt Sad and Then I Cried

Seven-year-old Eabha (Ava) came by my office. She would occasionally drop in to tell me one of her stories or to sing me a song, but she seemed preoccupied and wasn’t her usual bubbly self. She played with a fidget she found in the toy box and after a short while, without looking in my direction said, ‘my dad has moved out and my mum has been crying a lot.’ She continued to play with the fidget.

‘Things were not right!’

Eabha stopped playing and then she came and sat down opposite me, settled in her seat, and grabbed a teddy that was nearby. Her eyes betrayed how she was feeling, and I wondered how a seven-year-old processes such a traumatic episode unfolding before her and around her and within her.

I asked her how she was feeling, and she lowered her eyes and said, ‘When my mum told me that dad was leaving my brain felt sad and then I cried.’

I asked what she meant when she said that her brain felt sad. She said that she was thinking about why this happened and if her mum and dad loved her. She said, ‘I was thinking it was my fault.’ I asked her about how she felt when she said, ‘my brain felt sad.’ She said she felt sad and scared. ‘And because you felt sad and scared what did you do?’ I asked. ‘I began to shake, and I went to my room, and I cried,’ she said.

I reflected back to her what she said and asked her if I had her story right. She said I did, and we continued to chat.

‘She knew I was listening.’

I worked with Eabha in a one-to-one counselling situation on occasion and I also had done some work in her class. We talked about feelings and strength of feelings and that they were connected to our thinking and behaving. She understood that feeling, thinking, and behaving were connected to each other. We called unhealthy (irrational) thinking Brain Bully thinking which we agreed made Brain Bully feelings and actions. We called healthy (rational) thinking Brain Friend thinking which we agreed made feelings and behaviours that were helpful to us.

‘Brain Bully thinking makes Brain Bully feelings.’

That Eabha was familiar with these REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) principles afforded us a common language with which we could talk about our strength of feelings, where they come from and how to work out ways to help Eabha help herself.

Eabha discovered that, for instance, ‘it’s all my fault’ thinking was Brain Bully nonsense. We also agreed that ‘it’s not fair’ thinking and ‘my dad or mum doesn’t love me’ thinking was Brain Bully trying to make her feel worse than she needed to be. We talked about different ways of thinking about things and we decided that what happened was a decision made by adults and that she had nothing to do with it. We also established that her mum and dad would still love her no matter what and that even though they would not be living together she could get used to the idea that she had two places to visit and have fun.

‘Flush stinking Brain Bully thinking down the dunny!’

We talked about bad things that could happen and we decided that there were other things that could be worse than the situation she found herself in. She said that ‘this is really bad, and I wish it didn’t happen but it’s not the worst thing that can happen (compared to other things we talked about).’ Eabha began to look at things differently, more from a Brain Friend perspective and she felt a lot better.

As a rational emotive behaviour counsellor/educator I find it useful to be able talk to children in ways that make sense to them. The idea that their emotions and behaviours are caused by someone or something apart from themselves reinforces the idea that someone or something makes their feelings and behaviours! Hence, they say things like, ‘it made me sad when my dad moved away, and I can only feel happy again if he comes back.’ In adult terms this irrational view could be framed as; ‘Things must be or remain the way they’ve always been. I can’t handle it and I can never be happy again if things aren’t how they must be.’

As it happened Eabha adopted a different view of the situation:

‘Change my thinking and the world changes.’

Did she still feel sad? Yes, she did on occasion, but it had a different intensity than before. She had changed the way she assessed a very difficult situation and in doing so modified how she felt and how she behaved in a self-helpful way.

PS Eabha bounded into my office the other day and said, ‘guess what?’ I said, ‘the sky is blue.’ ‘Mum and Dad are back together.’

PPS. This is a true happening and details have been changed to protect the subject’s identity.

 

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor in the public school system and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education.

The Narcissist Boss

‘Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. . .. They justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.’ T.S. Elliott

The imagined side eyes and murmurings noticed in passing and the alleged corridor conversations fed the managers  paranoia that people were undermining his authority. ‘There’s a conspiracy afoot! They must not do this to me it’s just not fair,’ he thought.

He reflected on the demands he made of staff, seemingly all heaped upon them at once that he told himself had nothing to do with his lack of organisation or paucity of leadership skills, but more to do with the system. Yes, it was the system letting everyone down. How could it be his fault? And then there were his offsiders who were green around the gills and wasn’t he trying to get them up to speed, to develop their leadership capacities? ‘No, it’s not me he thought.’ He would not dare to even contemplate that he could be at fault, he always found it hard to look at himself in the proverbial mirror.’ ‘Staff must understand the importance of my role,’ he told himself, and that ‘any suggestion that I can’t handle it is nonsense and must be quashed.’

He would remind staff that the 'broken system' was letting them down and that good things lay ahead if they would just trust him and believe his intentions were always for the common good. ‘I am proud of you all and have the utmost respect for you,’ he declared (in private he held everyone in contempt). Yes Leadership, with a capital L, (The 'L' Team as he called it) strove to improve productivity outcomes, and to maintain the standards that the enterprise had become renowned for in the local network. He was the big cheese now and he was in his rightful place, and everyone should defer to him.

He couldn’t appreciate that there was a disconnect between what he said and what he did, and others could see what was happening. Whilst they grafted within the confines of their office walls, they would observe or others would tell them of the meetings behind closed doors where he and his lieutenants would be sitting talking, laughing, and socialising. Word filtered through also that the capital 'L' team, would order in take away when the other workers had returned to their workstations after lunch and dined together away from the office hubbub.

It wasn’t a good look either that all would attend meetings and workshops outside the office together whilst a designated stand-in would be left to manage things alone. The grapevine had it that they would drop in for takeaway on their return to work for good measure. The message was loud and clear that the 'L' team was a group of privileged and entitled others who set themselves apart from the main group. Whilst the manager would call for collegiality, trust, and cooperation he acted otherwise, and a clear schism had developed between the haves and the have nots.

But whatever problems presented, however things went awry it was the system letting everyone down! And of course, the last geezer who ran the place, whose legacy still lay heavily on his mind the burden of which he carried like Mother Theresa of Calcutta would have. It was ‘his fault and I’m left to clean up his mess,’ he reminded himself ‘and people should be grateful.’

Others came to regard the manager as inauthentic, disingenuous, and conniving. What he said to one’s face wasn’t what he said behind the backs of many who at one time would have thought of him in a different light. He was jealous of others’ achievements and wouldn’t give due credit to them unless they were part of his circle of acolyte, deferring sycophant friends. Indeed, the 'L' team was regarded more of a friendship group than an inspirational, talented, and visionary team. Whilst he implored others to walk his talk, he didn’t and that was a problem.

The manager, others observed, formed a dislike or hatred even of those who appeared to be more talented, younger, or who were more popular than he. There was conjecture amongst many that several people over the years who had moved onto other jobs fitted that description. No, he wouldn’t have had anything to do with such shenanigans whilst he served under the former manager. Or would he? Some hypothesised that it was indeed the case!

His tone of delivery in speech and in writing was of a passive-aggressive nature, a disconnect between what was said and the behaviour observed. His passive-aggressive demeanour was characterised by the ‘silent treatment’ to purposely cause discomfort or an intentional lack of communication, ‘I’ve been meaning to come by and chat,’ he would say, when in practice it had always been the case that he avoided those he regarded as a threat to his coveted position of power and authority (dad would be so proud of me he'd often say to himself). ‘Our job is a difficult one, and we are in it for our clients and their families, and it can be burdensome, but let’s hang together for the common good’ he would declare before retiring to his office to naval gaze over his trials and tribulations, and the burden he must bear for others.

The trouble with having a narcissist office leader is that colleagues with different perspectives, opinions and ideas are seen as recalcitrant and counterculture, who seek to undermine the managers authority. ‘They should know that I know what is best. They just want to see me fail,’ he would think, on a loop in his head.

Narcissists are excessively selfish and possess a sense of misplaced altruism believing that bearing imagined afflictions (‘you don’t know how much I am hurting, but I can’t burden you with my suffering’) makes them an exception amongst mortals who believe they are irreplaceable.

The question is how does one deal with such self-focussed, delusional, entitled, and mean-spirited individuals? Ignore them? Allow them to take the credit for what is not theirs and just accept the status quo? The narcissist leader won’t like that others don’t see him as he sees himself and will offer platitudes of understanding and empathy whilst planning at the same time, your demise sometime in the future (I’ll get you when you least expect it!).

Moving on to another job is often the easier option. Why hang around a person who will never have your interests at heart? Unfortunately, it seems to be that our system promotes ‘leaders’ of this ilk, and those who are the narcissists' quarry are dismissed and scapegoated. Interesting isn’t it?

Yes, life seems unfair but somewhere along the line our narcissist, bully boss will have his comeuppance!

The Bully Principal

The setup

The teacher target became aware that things were different, that something was afoot, and she felt a sense of foreboding. A competent teacher was about to be systematically attacked by the people who were up to this point considered colleagues, friends. She started to feel isolated. She’d go to the staffroom and sit next to someone who would move when the principal came into the room. They were under instruction not to engage with their colleague as this would be seen to be siding with the ‘miscreant.’

'She started hearing negative things about her being circulated among the staff and other teachers soon began ignoring her in the staffroom'

Someone had concocted a ‘problem’ regarding a person on the staff which had to be ‘dealt’ with. Of course, such a problem was affecting the morale of staff etc. etc. and had to be 'nipped in the bud.' The principal and her acolytes actioned their plan. The school principal asserted that:

‘Serious claims by others had been made against her’

The consequences

Slowly her mind and body grew tired of the incessant innuendo and enforced isolation. Her colleagues wanted to protect themselves and in doing so became enablers; they allowed this to happen. The bully was in the driver’s seat and her sycophant co bully passengers went along for the ride.

'Initially I just started getting sick, getting colds, my immune system went into decline'

Her body was winding down as her immune system allowed opportune bugs to find their way in to cause sickness. Her health continued to decline. Things were so dire that she:

'Eventually tried to commit suicide'

Principals who bully:

‘Single out a target for constant criticism, can make unreasonable demands, and provide critical and inconsistent directions.’

The bully principal will have a right-hand person perhaps to take notes, to add to and embellish the narrative of ‘the toxic teacher.’ He or she has a job to protect, and the teacher target is just collateral damage.

The bully boss profile

The experience of this person is not unfortunately an isolated case. If you find yourself the target of the boss bully, there are ways you can tell if your boss is a bully. You can read an article called When Your Boss is a bully by Ronald E Riggio, who identifies eight tell-tale signs your boss is a bully:

1. Does your boss blame you for fabricated "errors"?
2. Are you given unreasonable job demands or goals?
3. Does your boss threaten you with pay cuts or being fired?
4. Does your boss insult you and/or criticize your abilities? Does this happen in front of others?
5. Are you excluded by the bully and his/her "henchpeople" or given the silent treatment?
6. Does your boss yell, scream, or curse at you?
7. Does your boss inconsistently enforce rules?
8. Does your boss deny or discount your accomplishments and/or take credit for your success?
9. They have ‘eyes and ears,’ someone who reports what they see and hear.

If you want to find out more about workplace bullying, you may find these websites useful.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/cutting-edge-leadership/201002/is-your-boss-a-bully-take-this-test

https://www.hracuity.com/blog/how-to-identify-exclusion-in-the-workplace-5-examples/

https://humanrights.gov.au/our-work/employers/workplace-bullying-violence-harassment-and-bullying-fact-sheet

Safe Work Australia

Heads Up

Health Direct

Human Rights

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor in the public school system and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education.

 

Breaking Approval Dependence (BAD)

 

Written by a past member of Approvalists Anonymous (AA), a support group for those who are at risk of becoming ‘love slobs.’ An REBT perspective (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) on this debilitating psychological impediment to happiness and success.

‘I need to be needed. (Oh no you don’t!)’

‘It’s been two weeks since I sat and stewed about how an insignificant other esteems me,’ proclaimed the primary school teacher to the others in the group. Everyone nodded their approval of the reforming approvalist before them, and their fortitude grew as the teacher expounded their newfound belief; ‘what I think of me is more important than how you might assess my personhood.’ ‘Bravo!’ They exclaimed in unison as the AA member added, ‘what you think of me is none of my business!’ As the AA member emerged from the meeting into the cool autumn night, they thought to, ‘I approve of me, and I’m OK no matter what!’

To break a habit of a lifetime is no easy task. There are a few steps to Breaking Approval Dependence (BAD) and it takes considerable focus and energy to move into the zone of unconditional self-acceptance, where you will be inclined to automatically respond to criticism in a healthy and rational way so that your new and rational sense of who you are stays intact. It is essentially a question of finding out why you feel extra sensitive to criticism; what irrational, nonsensical habits of thinking have you constructed over time? Can you challenge their veracity with the clarity of reason and fact, and not indulge in fanciful notions and imagined, pie in the sky concocted ideas?

‘If you have constructed irrational ideas about yourself, you can deconstruct them!’

Our teacher friend discovered that whilst they might prefer the approval of others, they didn’t need it to consider themselves worthwhile. They understood that this was a belief constructed over time, a thinking rule that was fed by those closest to them. They learned to depend on the approval of those who pinned labels of good, bad, clever, dumb on them, words that could define their worth as human beings.

‘I must not fail, or I’ll let my parents down. They will be disappointed.’

Once they understood that words, positive or otherwise, couldn’t define them and they accepted this to be true, they then began to feel better about situations that might challenge their sense of self. And of course, there was the homework. How else can you deconstruct and replace bullshit ideas about yourself without constant vigilance and introspection? Our teacher made time each day to reflect on the day, mindfully reviewing happenings and their emotional and behavioural response to them. Were they measured? Did they reflect their new ideas about their ‘self?’ Or did they react in a more neurotic manner? Do they remind themselves each day that they are not the opinion of others, and they are not their failings nor are they, their triumphs?

‘Irrational ideas can breech our psychological defences if we are not vigilant.’

The reforming AA teacher understood the power of confidence and self-belief. Each day started with a simple affirmation that no matter what happened, no matter how their foundation belief of unconditional self-acceptance was challenged, they would remain firm in this belief.

‘I’m OK even if others think otherwise.’

This simple statement of self-worth would become in time, an unbreakable and unbreachable belief that would help them forge ahead in their personal and professional world. But there was other work to be done.

The teacher thought, ‘if I’m OK no matter what, and people’s opinion of me, good or bad cannot define me then I want to prove this to be true. I want to put myself in a situation of great discomfort, to challenge myself doing what, until this point, I would always avoid doing.’

‘What risks will I take. How will I walk my talk?’

The teacher liked maths and had some teaching ideas about engaging students, especially those who would recoil at the thought of studying something that they had decided they were no good at. Rather than engage in self-talk that would diminish the teacher’s capacity to successfully present useful ideas to peers in a confident manner the teacher would quietly say:

‘I can do this, and I have the information and the capacity to relate my ideas to others successfully.’

The teacher competently conveyed how maths could be taught in such a way that students of all ages could engage with it. The feedback was positive, and it was particularly pleasing that teachers would adopt the ideas their colleague presented to them, and they would report how successful and effective they were in stimulating student interest and improving maths competency.

‘The teacher continued to seek ways in which their confidence could be tested, professionally and personally.’

One day the teacher stopped for a moment, just after presenting a kickarse workshop on constructivist theory and early childhood acquisition of academic confidence, to reflect on how far they had travelled. The teacher thought, ‘I’ve taken a few risks over the past couple of terms, and I’ve done well in some challenges and not so in others. BUT I am not too scared to try, to put myself at risk. And you know what? I don’t question my worth based on how others might view me or how well or badly I do at stuff. I judge my actions but not myself.’

Unfortunately, the teacher still operated in an environment where ‘who you are’ and not how competent you might be, determined a person’s prospects of promotion, their worth to the organisation.

‘I don’t need their approval (though I may desire it) to know I’m a worthwhile person and teacher.’

The teacher continued to develop confidence and capacity to teach and to professionally develop others. A new job opportunity eventually enticed the teacher away to another position that was better paid; where competency, knowledge and integrity were valued over sycophancy and mediocrity.

On the teachers last AA meeting, group members stood and applauded the teacher who again declared to all that:

‘I have reached a point where I automatically think in positive, rational ways that help me deal with challenges successfully. I can deal with disappointment and criticism in a much healthier way. I am no longer at the mercy of others approval. I approve of myself.’

NB ‘Love slob’ is a term coined by the creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, Dr. Albert Ellis. Approvalists Anonymous is a made-up term and doesn’t exist.

Giulio is an ED.D. candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor in the public school system and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio! both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The Advancement of Rational Emotive Education.

 

 

 

'Do you need an ambulance?' When small problems seem like catastrophes

A teacher colleague invested a lot of time teaching her year 3 students that thinking, feeling and behaving were all interconnected. As Albert Ellis, creator of REBT said (I paraphrase here):

‘We make ourselves more anxious than we need to be when we think events and things are worse than they really are.’

The teacher did a lot of groundwork to persuade her young group that they make themselves more upset than they need to be. She read books that had characters who helped themselves get better when they changed the way they thought about something. She reminded them often that it was their/our estimation of an event, how we thought about it that was key. ‘If they came to know this they can do something constructive about their discomfort,’ the teacher thought.

She changed her language; rather than asking ‘what makes you angry?’ she would say ‘what are you thinking about what happened that’s making your feelings so strong?’ She didn’t say ‘don’t be angry’ either as she knew her students couldn’t ‘be’ the feelings they were feeling.

How many times do we say ‘it/they/she made me angry?’ Can something ‘make’ us as angry as we feel? And the claim ‘I am angry?’ Does the assertion ‘I am scared’ make sense? Can I ‘be’ the feeling (s) I experience? Food for thought eh?

‘Message to self,’ the teacher would say inside her head:

"Teach the think – feel – do connection. Stop saying ‘it’ makes ‘me/you’ angry. Stop saying ‘good boy/girl’ (doesn’t make sense)"

So the teacher had done a great job of teaching the students that their estimation of events, their perception of what’s happening, had made the strength of emotion they feel about an event and not the thing/event itself. She had acquainted them with the notion that they could have a fair amount of control over how they feel and the actions they take. She asked them questions like:

‘What’s stronger; angry or upset?

Do I feel angry or am I angry? What’s the difference?

‘You make me sad!’ What does this mean? Is there another way to say this?’

 

The classroom discourse moved away from person specific to more behaviour or competency specific i.e. she addressed behaviour and not person in her feedback. She taught her students that what they did was up for assessment but their essence or personhood was not. She weaned herself off of using person specific terms like; good boy/girl, naughty, smart, cute etc. and focused more on what the children did. She was mindful that a person’s worth was a given, that they were always worthwhile whether they did ‘good’ or did ‘bad.’ “Doing ‘bad’ can’t make you ‘bad’” she would start each day by saying and she would add “doing ‘good’ doesn’t make you good either. You are always worthwhile!” This was a constant reminder to students that their ‘okayness’ wasn’t attached to someone’s assessment of their person.

She began to notice that those children who were generally withdrawn or lacking in confidence began to try new things. Some were putting their hands up more to ask questions; they were taking more risks. She asked herself why? But she knew why didn’t she? It was the new and developing regime she had introduced based on the philosophy that:

“People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.” Epictetus

Her children began to understand that big problems were only as big as they thought or imagined them to be. If a problem was big or not was a decision they could make by assessing its ‘badness’ against other possible happenings. She helped each child to construct their own ‘catastrophe scale’ where possible problems could be organised according to how ‘bad’ they were.

So back to the title of this piece and the ambulance reference. The children were asked in many different situations if what was happening was as bad as they thought it was. Some children referred to their hard copy catastrophe scale (CS), whilst others used the one they carried inside their heads; their virtual CS. If Sofia said ‘I don’t have my hat today and it’s a massive problem because I have to stay in the shade at playtime,’ her CS would tell her that there are far worse things that could happen and her teacher would say ‘Sofia, is it so bad that I should call an ambulance?’