Self-Acceptance or Self Esteem? In memory of Dr Albert Ellis

Inevitably failure and rejection are part and parcel of our experience. It is very energy sapping to protect our children from every vagary of human existence. Such vigilance also denies our children the opportunity to deal with disappointment and build their own resilience to tough situations. Children need our support and guidance but they also have to learn to stand on their own two feet and protecting them from the reality of rejection and failure does them no favours. "We have to give them self- esteem so that they feel good about themselves,' so has been the wisdom of the recent educational past. What is self esteem and how can you give it to someone? Albert Ellis who passed away five years ago this week said:

'Self-esteem is the greatest sickness known to man or woman because it's conditional.' 

He was on to something here, people learning to esteem themselves according to how others viewed them or how well they did at tasks was the order of the day. "I'm good because so and so said I am or I am clever because my teacher said I was. Aren't I good girl?" No you're not! Your self esteem will evaporate quickly until the next time someone else tells you how good you are! You grow to need the approval of others and the fix of getting an A grade in your assignments but this doesn't make you good, clever or any other label you want to put on your sorry self! 

No one can give you the worth you've always had and therefore no one can take it away and it is understanding this that gives you resilience. Dr Ellis calls this Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA) meaning 'I'm worthwhile EVEN if you don't think so and EVEN if I get an E in my English assignment.' So you can keep your 'warm fuzzies' to yourself!

Student A in High School A in Australia has four younger siblings and a mother who is dependent on her. Her father left many years ago. She is 14 years old and after she helps dress and feed her family she gets herself off to school everyday. She has dreams and aspirations and daily she 'steps up to the plate' ready for the next 'curve ball' that life will inevitably pitch her way. Will she be called home to help her mentally ill mother or will the local primary school ask her to come and help her younger sister because she 'misses' her so much? This is not a 'once upon a fairytale' situation, this is daily reality for this student. What benefit that she continue to seek the approval of others so that she can 'esteem herself' as a worthwhile person? None whatsoever! What can her school do about it?

Albert Ellis said that people who unconditionally accept themselves are less likely to suffer the ravages of extreme depression, anger and anxiety because they don't take what others think of them or how they perform at tasks TOO seriously. Why? Because what they think about themselves is more important than how others view them. 'Think as you will but don't expect me to agree with you' is another way to put it. This idea is embedded in the principles and practice of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy created by Albert Ellis in the 1950's and which is a core component of the new 'Positive Psychology' that has been touted in recent years. Albert Ellis was the original Positive Psychologist.

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education is the application of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy in teaching practice across all curriculum areas. A school that teaches students daily that their worth is not at question when they fail at a task or find that others reject them and that they are always worthwhile will be protected against Serious Approval Dependence (SAD). This (USA) is the antidote to 'self esteem sickness' and REBE delivers this to very child day in and day out. 

Albert Ellis said:

'I think the future of psychotherapy and psychology is in the school system. We need to teach every child how to rarely seriously disturb himself or herself and how to overcome disturbance when it occurs.'

To student A above, though your life is tough and it is difficult to get to school every day and because you may feel so desperate at times is not reason to avoid your studies and to give in. Hang in there and remember you are always worthwhile no matter what! This is the REBE philosophy.

In memory of Dr Albert Ellis creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy who passed away on July 24th 2007 Vale

The Albert Ellis Professional Learning Centre was opened in April this year in honour of the work and legacy Dr Albert Ellis. This news item was produced by Southern Cross Regional TV in South Australia. 

Contradictory Practices in Schools – Education or Punishment?

The purpose of his post is to compare and contrast the contradictory philosophies, which underpin the practices and processes used in schools to address student behaviour.

Traditionally we have had a one-size fits all approach where student behaviour is managed and controlled by the adult characterized by language like ‘warnings, steps, detention, suspension and exclusion.’  Using our authority to punish might get students to comply and fear us but it doesn’t help them to gain insight into why they respond as they do emotionally and behaviourally to daily challenges in life. This approach contradicts constructivist theory on which all teachers’ work is based. Why do we base our teaching on constructivist theory for the subjects we teach and then use a system of behaviour management that ignores the developmental needs of the child? Why are we using two models for learning at the same time in the same context, one inclusive an the other not?

Enter Rational Emotive Behaviour Education (REBE) a system based on counselling theory and practice, Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. REBE has been discussed in previous blog posts and it is offered as a way of educating students about their individually constructed philosophies which determine how they will respond behaviourally and emotionally to daily situations, especially the challenging ones.

REBE teaches explicitly essential resilience building competencies like Unconditional Self/Other and Life Acceptance across the school curriculum and in every student – teacher interaction. Based on constructivist theory REBE helps students to deconstruct unhealthy habits of believing and to construct healthy habits of believing.

In my experience as educator one thing is abundantly clear and that is students present with a diverse range of dispositions, personalities, learning styles and the list go on.  Despite this we have persisted and continue to persist in applying a system of ‘behaviour management,’ which assumes all children are the same and this has failed our young people significantly.

How so you may ask? A child with low frustration tolerance for instance may struggle to stay on task especially when it is a challenging one.  She may be prompted to get back on the job with a firm reminder and again stalls as her frustration level rises. Is she displaying non-compliance? Is she lazy? Or has she low frustration tolerance for tasks that require perseverance and continued focus? We can give her person specific labels like ‘she’s lazy’ or ‘she’s naughty’, which are inaccurate and harmful. Why? Because we are rating the students personal worth, not their behaviour.

REBE will support the child understand how her constructed beliefs gives rise to her extreme frustration. Does she think that life should be easy and that it isn’t fair that she doesn’t get what she wants? Is she a victim of learned helplessness where she believes she can’t do ‘tough stuff?’ Does she have low self worth, which stops her from taking risks in her learning because ‘I’m dumb anyway?’  REBE is about helping students unpack these harmful beliefs and to build new healthier ones.  REBE provides preventative mental health education systematically across all curriculum areas.
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Zest and Happiness - an REBT perspective

What is zest and how do you get it? Bertrand Russell used the term in his book the Conquest of Happiness to describe the qualities of optimism and enthusiasm for life. He scoffed at the idea that we should aspire to be happy and successful all the time as an impossible ideal!

The expectation that we could achieve such a state of being was an affliction in itself, an unrealistic goal indeed, causing anxiety and depression. So zest is a quality essential to the enjoyment of life, an energy precipitated by what? The literature talks about the role of our genetic predisposition towards having a particular personality type and the importance of our early learning, our socialisation.

It is not clear which plays the bigger role in determining our philosophy on life but I think that our early experience goes a long way to formulating the ideas and beliefs that govern how we go about things. I subscribe to the constructivist view that each of us seeks meaning from the world around us and in making sense of what we experience we build our own personal philosophies about ourselves, others and life. 

If our mentors and role models present behaviours and attitudes that are healthy and rational then we're more likely to construct meanings that are helpful to us. According to Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy unconditional self acceptance (USA) is a core philosophical belief that protects us from extreme unhealthy emotions like depression and anxiety. Why? Because we have constructed the healthy view that our worth cannot be lessened by others' view of us or whether we achieve our goals or not.

Could this firmly held belief allow us to engage with life more enthusiastically? When the burden of fear of failure and the disapproval of others is lifted can we be more zestful? Maybe the life enhancing quality of zest cannot entirely be attributed to Unconditional Self Acceptance but I would suggest it would be an important component of it.

Educators and counsellors in schools would do well to teach students this very important personal capacity so that they can engage with life zestfully!

On Being a Turd!

Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy was renowned for his turn of colourful phrase in his illustrious lifetime. Consider the following utterance, used to illustrate his idea of conditional self-acceptance (CSA).

“I am a turd for acting turdily, as I must not. And I'll always be this way, and I'll never succeed" Albert Ellis

Probably expressed at a time and place when etiquette would have demanded a little more reserve and attention to protocol he was practicing unconditional self-acceptance. ‘If they don’t like me, too damn bad! I accept myself anyway’ I can hear him say. He didn’t need the approval of people in the room though he may have desired it. If they took umbrage at his colourful language it would have been an opportunity to point out that their ‘oughting’ ‘shoulding’ and ‘musting’ was causing it, not him.

Ellis used humour on many different levels to get his point across to his audience. In this case his use of the vernacular would have drawn attention immediately to his message; if you believe that acting inappropriately somehow diminishes your worth you are mistaken.

Ellis reminded us at every opportunity that we are worthwhile because we exist and how well or badly we do or how others view us cannot change that (unless we give our permission).

It stands to reason then if we are worthwhile because we are here on this planet then it is true that others are worthwhile because they also exist. Their worth is not tethered to how others view them or how well or badly they do. This, Ellis referred to as Unconditional Other Acceptance. I offer the following rework of the Little Jack Horner rhyme to illustrate Unconditional Other Acceptance.

Little Jack Horner

Little Jack Horner

Sat in the corner

Resting reflectively

“Is my teacher a turd?”

“No that’s absurd!

She just acted turdily!”

I think Dr Ellis would have approved. 

William Shakespeare and Mental Health

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education (REBE) is the application of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy principles in teaching practice across all curriculum areas. Albert Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance is tailor made to help students understand an event is not the sole determinant of their emotional and behavioural response to it. This is not a new idea, stoic philosopher Epictetus in around 100 AD observed:

“Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.”

Educators comment daily on the ‘culture of blame’ in schools where students claim:

‘He made me angry so I hit him.’

‘The teacher made me angry.’

‘My mum didn’t set my alarm, that’s why I’m late.’

‘Maths makes me angry.’

How do you teach the average high school student that ‘nothing or no one’ can make anyone angry?

The goal of REBE is to challenge the philosophy that A (Activating event) directly causes C (emotional and behavioural Consequences) i.e. A=C. The aim is to alert students to the idea that their thinking (Beliefs) about the event has a lot to do with it! i.e. A+B=C

Where does the ‘Bearded Bard of Stratford’ come into this preventative mental health caper? What has Shakespeare got to do with it?

I was asked to talk to a group of year 9 students about constructivism, how we construct our philosophical views about the world, others and ourselves. These internalised ‘rules’ for living to a large extent determine how we respond to daily happenings. Students were very receptive to ideas that we construct these philosophies according to how we are genetically made and how we are socialised through family and friendships.

We studied this excerpt from Hamlet, students taking turns to play each part and then we spoke about it’s meaning, what is Hamlet saying in the last statement?

Act 2, Scene 2: A room in the castle.

Hamlet: Then is doomsday near: but your news is not true.

Let me question more in particular: what have you, my good friends, deserved at the hands of fortune that she sends you to prison hither?

Guildenstern: Prison, my lord!

Hamlet: Denmark's a prison.

Rosencrantz: Then is the world one.

Hamlet: A goodly one; in which there are many confines, wards and dungeons, Denmark being one o' the worst.

Rosencrantz: We think not so, my lord.

Hamlet: Why, then, 'tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me it is a prison.

Students understood Hamlet’s assertion that nothing is good or bad in itself but our thinking ‘makes it so.’ As stoic, Marcus Aurelius said, it is our ‘estimation’ of an event that makes it ‘good or bad’ (see previous post) not the event itself. This is an important insight for students as they begin to explore an alternative view to the ‘blame everyone and everything’ philosophy. If they can understand this they can start to take control of their lives. As Albert Ellis said:

‘The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.’

So back to Hamlet! I took the liberty of reworking Act 2, Scene 2 from Hamlet (apologies to the Great Bard) to give it an Aussie flavour on the topic of vegetables as follows.

An Aussie take on Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2 – a dining room in a house.

Bruce: What bad luck that you are served such yucky food!

Digger: Yucky Bruce?

Bruce: Broccoli is yucky!

Leeanne: Then are all vegetables so Bruce?

Bruce: Yes all vegetables are yuck and broccoli is the yuckiest!

Leeanne: We don’t think so Bruce.

Bruce: Why then is it not true for you? Because there is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so. To me it is yuck!

Students were then asked to re enact the parts and a lot of fun was had by all! We replaced the word ‘broccoli’ with other words and reread the reworked Act 1 of Hamlet. We established for instance that:

‘He/she is not good or bad but thinking makes it so.’

‘The teacher is not good or bad but thinking makes it so.’

‘My mum is not good or bad but thinking makes it so’

‘Maths is not good or bad but thinking makes it so.’

This was a useful activity to acquaint high school students with the idea that nothing is good or bad but thinking makes it so. Thanks Mr. Shakespeare and Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus and Albert Ellis and Karen Horney and ............. Thanks!

Sams Progress – It Ain’t So Awful Sam!

Sam’s teacher has introduced the Emotional Thermometer to the class and the students know now that irrational thinking is hurtful, its makes strong unhealthy emotions and poor behavioural choices. They know its Brain Bully (BB) trying to trick them. BB is saying: ‘I can’t do this! It’s unfair. I’m dumb.’

Teacher: ‘These are not true! Are they children?’

Children: ‘NO THEY’RE NOT!

Teacher: ‘We won’t let Brain Bully win will we?

Children: ‘NO WE WON’T!’

They also know that Brain Friend tells the truth and makes healthy, manageable negative emotions. BF says, ‘this is hard but I can try.’ ‘I’m not dumb if I make a mistake.’ ‘I’m always OK.’

Teacher: ‘These are true! What do you think children?’

Children: Yes they are. We want BF to win! GET LOST BRAIN BULLY!’

This kind of learning is reinforced across all teaching/learning curriculum areas or if you are a parent the same applies at home at every opportunity. The idea is to reinforce the idea that what you think, how you feel and how you act are all related. When our children understand this they will learn to take responsibility for how they feel and behave (young children pick this up very well)

The next item to introduce to children is the idea that when we think something is ‘bad’ and we tell ourselves that it is the worst thing ever we don’t feel so good. We may feel highly anxious or angry or sad (Check the Emotional Thermometer). We may tell ourselves that ‘its so awful that we can’t stand it!’ This is called ‘Icantstandititis!’ a debilitating condition that can be treated by understanding and using the Catastrophe Scale (CS). The CS is a list of possible/actual concerns which are organised according to how ‘bad’ they are. Children will then be able to see at a glance that an itchy nose is not as bad as the earth being blown to bits!

Teacher: ‘I lost my pencil. This is so awful I cant stand it!’

Children: ‘Watch out Brain Bully will make you mad and sad. Don’t let him win!’

Teacher: ‘But I need my pencil. This is terrible!’

Children: ‘Oh oh! Brain Bully is tricking you. This is not a big problem. It isn’t as bad a sore throat. It is a small problem.’

Teacher: ‘You’re right kids I won’t let BB win. Can you help me?’

Children: ‘BF says this is a pain but not a huge problem. Let BF win and get rid of BB!’

Children respond well to this kind of learning and is a preventative mental health measure, teaching them that unhealthy negative emotions are made by irrational thinking (BB). If they know this they can help themselves to regulate how they feel and behave by themselves. This is what Rational Emotive Behaviour Education is all about.

Sam will learn that when she believes small problems are not so bad after all she will be less inclined to anger and will be a happier little person.

Brain Friend and Brain Bully are characters introduced in my program for young learners ‘Have a Go Spaghettio!’

Problems!

Big ones, little ones,

In between ones too

Problems, problems

Whatever can I do?

I can’t find my hat

Wherever can it be

This is so awful

It’s a catastrophe!

It’s not fair

I'm sick in my tummy

I want my hat

It’s not funny!

My friend is sick

And she is sad

Losing my hat

Isn’t so bad

I can handle this

I can change how I feel

I think ‘this isn’t so awful

It isn’t a big deal’

Big ones, little ones

In between ones too

Problems, problems

I know what I can do!

Sam Feels Angry – Stew, Stew, Stew!

Sam feels angry in class when she can’t get something she wants. Sam is six and has been at school for just a short time and her anger is stopping her from being successful. She gives up on tasks and just ‘has to have’ her friends hat which is newer than hers and she snatches it away! She isn’t making friends too readily and it’s hard to hold on to them when she does! She is bossy with others and is very insistent and demanding.

What are her rules? What beliefs has she constructed that drive her unhealthy emotions and behaviours? What can the teacher do to help her in the classroom?

Her teacher referred her to me (school counsellor) outlining her concerns for this student.

I spent some time in Sam’s classroom and observed her at work and play. I could see why the teacher had concerns for her and so I met with her after school to talk about a plan to help Sam.

As a Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor I consider Sam’s behaviour to be the expression of some irrational rules that she has formulated as follows:

- I must get my way
- I can’t stand not getting what I want
- It’s not fair when I don’t
- If she won’t give me what I want she is bad

I suggest to Sam’s teacher that I take some lessons in her class so others can benefit from some REBE learning and so I don’t withdraw Sam from her class and classmates.

Over a series of five lessons I talk about helpful and unhelpful thinking. I call unhelpful thinking Brain Bully and helpful thinking Brain Friend. We make puppets and play games like Who’s Talking BB or BF? I make thinking statements like the following and children show if BF is talking or BB is talking e.g.

- I am dumb. I can’t do it!  (BB)

- This is tough but I will try (BF)

- She is mean! (BB)

- She did a mean thing (BF)

- I must get what I want! (BB)

- I don’t have to always get my way (BF)

We use the Emotional Thermometer to show how thinking is connected to our feelings and behaviour. So for example I teach students that when BB is talking in my head I feel angry (I don’t get what I must have!) and we point to the top of the thermometer to show angry. When BF is talking (I can handle this. It isn’t so awful) we point to the lower end of the thermometer. This is a great way to teach young learners that:

- There are helpful and unhelpful habits of thinking
- BF makes manageable feelings
- BB makes unmanageable feelings

This is an early introduction to Albert Ellis’ ABC theory of Emotional Disturbance for young learners. Ellis’ model shows the relationship between what happens, A (Activating event), my constructed beliefs, B and how I feel at C (Emotional/behavioural Consequence). Young Sam doesn’t know that her strong feelings and inappropriate actions are not so much caused by A but it is Brain Bully at B that’s causing her angst. This insight will help Sam learn how to control her feelings and make better behavioural choices.

To summarise the last paragraph: A+B=C.

The above will be covered over a few lessons in a fun way but the learning is profound! Sam and her classmates will learn that:

    - They experience unhealthy, strong feelings

    - They can make poor choices when they do

    - Their unhelpful thinking makes these strong feelings (BB)  

    - BB is not true and unhelpful, BF is true and helpful

In the next post we will see how Sam and her classmates are going and how the teacher will maintain the momentum of this learning into the future.

The song below is about anger and what students can do about it.

I feel!

I feel angry

Stew, stew, stew

I feel angry

Stew, stew, stew

I feel angry

Stew, stew, stew

Oh me oh my what can I do?

Don’t feel angry

Don’t you stew

Don’t feel angry

Don’t you stew

Don’t feel angry

Don’t you stew

There is something you can do!

Use Brain Friend Thinking

And take deep breaths

Brain Friend Thinking

Take deep breaths

Brain Friend Thinking

Take deep breaths

This is something you can do!

I feel better

More relaxed

I feel better

More relaxed

I feel better

More relaxed

Now I don’t feel so blue!

Have a Go Spaghettio!

Sing to the tune of ‘Skip to my Lou’.