Sam Feels Angry – Stew, Stew, Stew!

Sam feels angry in class when she can’t get something she wants. Sam is six and has been at school for just a short time and her anger is stopping her from being successful. She gives up on tasks and just ‘has to have’ her friends hat which is newer than hers and she snatches it away! She isn’t making friends too readily and it’s hard to hold on to them when she does! She is bossy with others and is very insistent and demanding.

What are her rules? What beliefs has she constructed that drive her unhealthy emotions and behaviours? What can the teacher do to help her in the classroom?

Her teacher referred her to me (school counsellor) outlining her concerns for this student.

I spent some time in Sam’s classroom and observed her at work and play. I could see why the teacher had concerns for her and so I met with her after school to talk about a plan to help Sam.

As a Rational Emotive Behaviour Counsellor I consider Sam’s behaviour to be the expression of some irrational rules that she has formulated as follows:

- I must get my way
- I can’t stand not getting what I want
- It’s not fair when I don’t
- If she won’t give me what I want she is bad

I suggest to Sam’s teacher that I take some lessons in her class so others can benefit from some REBE learning and so I don’t withdraw Sam from her class and classmates.

Over a series of five lessons I talk about helpful and unhelpful thinking. I call unhelpful thinking Brain Bully and helpful thinking Brain Friend. We make puppets and play games like Who’s Talking BB or BF? I make thinking statements like the following and children show if BF is talking or BB is talking e.g.

- I am dumb. I can’t do it!  (BB)

- This is tough but I will try (BF)

- She is mean! (BB)

- She did a mean thing (BF)

- I must get what I want! (BB)

- I don’t have to always get my way (BF)

We use the Emotional Thermometer to show how thinking is connected to our feelings and behaviour. So for example I teach students that when BB is talking in my head I feel angry (I don’t get what I must have!) and we point to the top of the thermometer to show angry. When BF is talking (I can handle this. It isn’t so awful) we point to the lower end of the thermometer. This is a great way to teach young learners that:

- There are helpful and unhelpful habits of thinking
- BF makes manageable feelings
- BB makes unmanageable feelings

This is an early introduction to Albert Ellis’ ABC theory of Emotional Disturbance for young learners. Ellis’ model shows the relationship between what happens, A (Activating event), my constructed beliefs, B and how I feel at C (Emotional/behavioural Consequence). Young Sam doesn’t know that her strong feelings and inappropriate actions are not so much caused by A but it is Brain Bully at B that’s causing her angst. This insight will help Sam learn how to control her feelings and make better behavioural choices.

To summarise the last paragraph: A+B=C.

The above will be covered over a few lessons in a fun way but the learning is profound! Sam and her classmates will learn that:

    - They experience unhealthy, strong feelings

    - They can make poor choices when they do

    - Their unhelpful thinking makes these strong feelings (BB)  

    - BB is not true and unhelpful, BF is true and helpful

In the next post we will see how Sam and her classmates are going and how the teacher will maintain the momentum of this learning into the future.

The song below is about anger and what students can do about it.

I feel!

I feel angry

Stew, stew, stew

I feel angry

Stew, stew, stew

I feel angry

Stew, stew, stew

Oh me oh my what can I do?

Don’t feel angry

Don’t you stew

Don’t feel angry

Don’t you stew

Don’t feel angry

Don’t you stew

There is something you can do!

Use Brain Friend Thinking

And take deep breaths

Brain Friend Thinking

Take deep breaths

Brain Friend Thinking

Take deep breaths

This is something you can do!

I feel better

More relaxed

I feel better

More relaxed

I feel better

More relaxed

Now I don’t feel so blue!

Have a Go Spaghettio!

Sing to the tune of ‘Skip to my Lou’.

Good Old Marcus Aurelius

Marcus Aurelius Antoninus was a Roman philosopher and emperor who said:

 "If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it: and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.’

Easier said than done you say especially when we are told that we are not responsible for how we feel on a daily basis. Listen to the news and it isn’t uncommon for an interviewer to ask an interviewee ‘how did this or that make you feel?’ Listen to the student at school who declares on leaving the classroom ‘I hate this subject it makes me so angry!’ or indeed the teacher who says ‘that kid makes me angry!’ This would reinforce the philosophy that distress is caused by things and events external to us i.e. you, it or events make our distress! We remain unenlightened by the wisdom of the stoic philosophers it would appear though we have had the educational tools and the opportunity to challenge the prevailing ‘not my fault’ modern day philosophy.

Rational Emotive Behaviour Education (REBE) helps students examine whether someone or something can indeed make them feel anything! After all maths is maths and whether it makes you mad, angry or otherwise is up for debate. REBE provides the opportunity for students to explore why they feel and act as they do on a school wide basis (see previous posts).

Recently at school a student excluded herself from the classroom because she didn’t want to work with a particular peer and declared:

‘I felt really angry because I didn’t get my way and it’s just not fair!

After some discussion she acknowledged that her distress was due to her estimate of the situation, which was that it was not fair that she didn’t get what she wanted (it was making her mad). She understood that her anger was precipitated by her expectation that IT should not happen! This is progress in the ‘whose fault is it’ debate in the school context.

We talked about cultivating a better way to estimate a situation, to think that it isn’t a catastrophe when you don’t get what you want and that you can stand it! She chose to revoke her belief that life must be fair and that sometimes you don’t get what you want. She changed her estimate of the situation and changed her distress.

Marcus Antoninus would be heartened to know that Rational Emotive Behaviour Education is promoting his philosophy in schools.

That's Silly

Young children have a great sense of the ridiculous and hence have fun with rhymes and expressions that are nonsensical and whacky. Appealing to their seemingly innate sense of the quirky helps to get across useful ideas and strategies that can help them in life.

Having fun is important for you as well as your students and delving into the ridiculous is an end in itself I find! As an educator and counsellor working in the early childhood sector I have been known to dabble in the daft, query the quirky and to ponder peculiar prose!

Spike Milligan was prolifically nonsensical and left us with classics like the Ning Nang Nong, which somehow appealed to our sense of fun. I never tire of the old Maxwell Smart reruns, laughing heartily at the antics of the eccentric Agent 86! And Tommy Cooper (if you’re old enough to remember) was altogether a unique individual who was a master of the absurd.

Cooper: ‘Can you give me something for wind?’

Doctor: ‘Here’s a kite. Go and fly it.’

Appealing to children’s ‘sense of the silly’ is a useful way to help young ones explore the topic of bullying in a fun way.

 

The poem below is one I have used to show students how humour can offset the debilitating and hurtful effects of bullying. It is a teaching tool to:

·      Introduce the topic i.e. what does it (bullying) look like, sound like and act like?

·      Why do others do this?

·      What can we do about it (explore all options)

Perhaps you can try this with my poem ‘You Are Dumb!’ and see how you go.

You are dumb!

You are dumb

She said to me

So I said

Dumb, diddly

Dumb dumpty dee!

You are stupid

They said to me

So I said

Stupid dupid

Fiddly Fee!

You are a nerd

He said to me

So I said

Nerd niddly nerd

niddly nerd nernee!

You smell

They said to me

So I said

Smell jelly smelly

Smell stinky pee!

My friend Max

She said to me

You are my pal

Cuddly dee dee

Cuddly cuddly dee!

For whatever reason people can behave unkindly and this is to be expected for life is unfair. Whilst we would like everyone in the world to be respectful and kind we can learn to accept that this cannot be so and we can practice Unconditionally Accepting Ourselves (and others).

The poems message is that not everyone is mean, you are ok anyway and how people view you does not in the end define you!

Six Year Old Max Feels Anxious

Little Max is a 6-year-old boy whose teacher has referred him to the school counsellor. His teacher is concerned that he seems agitated a lot of the time especially when other kids are not 'being good.’  When the teacher appears to be angry his concern is heightened. Max’s anxiety is stopping him from engaging in his learning and it is effecting his overall school experience in a negative way.

Is that the way ‘he is’, his nature and he can’t do much about his natural tendency to experience anxiety a lot of the time? What is driving this extreme emotional discomfort and what can be done about it?

He may have inherited a genetic predisposition towards anxiety and it may be a characteristic of other family members to a lesser or greater extent.  He will also have ‘learned’ how to feel anxious, he may have been taught how to feel this way.

As a counsellor I want to know what core philosophical beliefs has Max constructed that drive his anxiety, what does he believe? Where do we start?

The teacher is on the ball and has raised her concerns about Max and the next step is for me to have a chat with he young person. It turns out that Max is a high achiever and wants to do well. He wants his teacher to think well of him and he feels upset when ‘bad’ kids ‘make’ her angry.

What have I learned that could possibly cause Max’s anxious demeanour?

·      He really must get 10 out of 10 and feels bad when he doesn’t

·      Kids can ‘be bad’ or ‘good’

·      He can be ‘bad’ or ‘good’

·      He can ‘make’ the teacher angry

·      Kids can ‘make’ the teacher angry

According to Rational Emotive Education Theory Max is making himself unhealthily anxious. He does this because he has constructed unhealthy core beliefs such as:

·      Other people and events ‘make me’ mad/anxious/angry.

·      I must get 10 out of 10 or I’m hopeless

·      I ‘am’ bad when I ‘do’ bad and good when I ‘do’ good

·      Others ‘are’ bad when they ‘do’ bad and ‘good’ when they ‘do’ good

Max could do with some help to challenge and change these unhealthy, irrational core beliefs.

Max is a character in the popular early childhood Rational Emotive Behaviour Education resource ‘Have a Go Spaghettio!’ You will find many useful strategies in this program to help Max feel and act in helpful ways in the longer term.

What is Rational Emotive Behaviour Education (REBE)?

REBE stands for Rational Emotive Behaviour Education. It is based on Dr. Albert Ellis' REBT, Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. Ellis formulated his unique and revolutionary method of counselling/psychotherapy over his lifetime, using his own experiences of personal fears and anxieties to formulate a philosophy of counselling that has stood the test of time.  Ellis was regarded among his contemporaries to be the most significant psychologist of the 20th Century influencing the work of many like; William Glasser, Aaron Beck and Martin Seligman to name a few. Positive psychology is a relatively modern term but the original positive psychologist in my opinion was Albert Ellis who supported many other psychologists and writers with his time and intellect. Dr Ellis supported me and my work for many years and this has helped me to formulate a blueprint for implementing REBE in schools, across the curriculum. The REBE approach is whole school, school friendly and educative. It promotes and reinforces the 7 General Capabilities described in the new Australian Curriculum and replaces the tired and damaging behaviour management system we have struggled to replace over recent years. We have been quick to tell students that their behavioural choices are their own but we haven't I believe effectively taught students how their CONSTRUCTED VIEW of THEMSELVES, OTHERS and the WORLD, their personal philosophies, drive their behaviours and emotions. This is where REBE fills that breach, a system based on constructivist theory designed to educate and not to punish. We have recently hosted Dr Martin Seligman of positive psychology fame as the 'Thinker in Residence.' Many ideas he expounds can be found in the REBE philosophy. It is humbling to know that the greatest (in my view and many others) psychologist of last century knew of and supported efforts to establish REBE in schools in South Australia. Who would have thought that good old Whyalla in country South Australia would be at the forefront of such innovative practice!

https://www.facebook.com/TheAlbertEllisProfessionalLearningCentre

Albert Ellis Centre Opening - Australian Education Union Bulletin Article

Australian Education Union (SA Branch) | Volume 44 - No. 3

Follow this link to read about the Grand Opening of The Albert Ellis Professional Learning Centre, pages 6 and 7. REBTOZ thanks the Australian Education Union for supporting our efforts at Stuart High School to teach students how to develop unconditional self acceptance through Rational Emotive Behaviour Education.

Positive mental health promotion across all curriculum areas is our aim - behaviour education not behaviour management!

Was Little Jack Horner a Good Boy?

Little Jack Horner suffered from extreme self esteem sickness. According to the nursery rhyme Jack believed he was a good boy because he achieved something.

Little Jack Horner

Sat in a corner 

Eating a Christmas pie

He put in his thumb

And pulled out a plum

And said, 'what a good boy am I.'

When he did good he was good and presumably when he didn't do so well he believed he was bad. This is called conditional self acceptance, the belief that personal worth is tethered to how others esteem us or how well we do at things. Jack could be a victim of Severe Approval Dependence (SAD) and experience life as a series of highs and lows according to how others view him or how well or badly he performs at tasks. We will not as humans always succeed at doing well at tasks and we will inevitably at times fall short of our goals. We may not win the respect and affection of significant others on lifes journey either. What we can do is cutivate unconditional self acceptance in ourselves and teach our children that they can make mistakes but that does not make them mistakes ('I can fail but I'm never a failure'). We can also learn to believe that though we may desire the approval of others we don't need it. We can learn to approve of ourselves ('I can be rejected/criticised by others but I'm never a reject myself') thereby lessening the hurt we may experience when things go awry.

Jack worked hard and practiced taking healthy risks and discovered in time that when he didn't quite achieve what he wanted to achieve or others weren't as approving or courteous towards him as perhaps they could be that the world didn't end. He developed the view that no matter what he was always worthwhile, unconditionally because he existed and that was that!

Little Jack Horner

Sat in the corner

Reflecting on the day

'I stuffed up once

I mucked up twice
But I am always OK!'

Teach this to your students.