Written by a past member of Approvalists Anonymous (AA), a support group for those who are at
risk of becoming ‘love slobs.’ An REBT perspective (Rational Emotive Behaviour
Therapy) on this debilitating psychological impediment to happiness and
success.
‘I need to be needed. (Oh no you don’t!)’
‘It’s been two weeks
since I sat and stewed about how an insignificant other esteems me,’ proclaimed the primary school teacher to the
others in the group. Everyone nodded their approval of the reforming
approvalist before them, and their fortitude grew as the teacher expounded their
newfound belief; ‘what I think of me is more important than how you might
assess my personhood.’ ‘Bravo!’ They exclaimed in unison as the AA member
added, ‘what you think of me is none of my business!’ As the AA member
emerged from the meeting into the cool autumn night, they thought to, ‘I
approve of me, and I’m OK no matter what!’
To break a habit of a
lifetime is no easy task. There are a few steps to Breaking Approval Dependence
(BAD) and it takes considerable focus and energy to move into the zone of unconditional
self-acceptance, where you will be inclined to automatically respond to
criticism in a healthy and rational way so that your new and rational sense of
who you are stays intact. It is essentially a question of finding out why you
feel extra sensitive to criticism; what irrational, nonsensical habits of
thinking have you constructed over time? Can you challenge their veracity with
the clarity of reason and fact, and not indulge in fanciful notions and
imagined, pie in the sky concocted ideas?
‘If you have constructed irrational ideas about yourself,
you can deconstruct them!’
Our teacher friend
discovered that whilst they might prefer the approval of others, they didn’t
need it to consider themselves worthwhile. They understood that this was a
belief constructed over time, a thinking rule that was fed by those closest to
them. They learned to depend on the approval of those who pinned labels of
good, bad, clever, dumb on them, words that could define their worth as human
beings.
‘I must not fail, or I’ll let my parents down. They will be
disappointed.’
Once they understood that words, positive
or otherwise, couldn’t define them and they accepted this to be true, they then
began to feel better about situations that might challenge their sense of self.
And of course, there was the homework. How else can you deconstruct and replace
bullshit ideas about yourself without constant vigilance and introspection? Our
teacher made time each day to reflect on the day, mindfully reviewing
happenings and their emotional and behavioural response to them. Were they
measured? Did they reflect their new ideas about their ‘self?’ Or did they
react in a more neurotic manner? Do they remind themselves each day that they
are not the opinion of others, and they are not their failings nor are they,
their triumphs?
‘Irrational
ideas can breech our psychological defences if we are not vigilant.’
The reforming AA teacher understood the
power of confidence and self-belief. Each day started with a simple affirmation
that no matter what happened, no matter how their foundation belief of unconditional
self-acceptance was challenged, they would remain firm in this belief.
‘I’m
OK even if others think otherwise.’
This simple statement of self-worth would
become in time, an unbreakable and unbreachable belief that would help them
forge ahead in their personal and professional world. But there was other work
to be done.
The teacher thought, ‘if I’m OK no
matter what, and people’s opinion of me, good or bad cannot define me then I
want to prove this to be true. I want to put myself in a situation of great
discomfort, to challenge myself doing what, until this point, I would always
avoid doing.’
‘What
risks will I take. How will I walk my talk?’
The teacher liked maths and had some
teaching ideas about engaging students, especially those who would recoil at
the thought of studying something that they had decided they were no good at. Rather
than engage in self-talk that would diminish the teacher’s capacity to successfully
present useful ideas to peers in a confident manner the teacher would quietly
say:
‘I
can do this, and I have the information and the capacity to relate my ideas to
others successfully.’
The teacher competently conveyed how maths
could be taught in such a way that students of all ages could engage with it.
The feedback was positive, and it was particularly pleasing that teachers would
adopt the ideas their colleague presented to them, and they would report how
successful and effective they were in stimulating student interest and improving
maths competency.
‘The
teacher continued to seek ways in which their confidence could be tested,
professionally and personally.’
One day the teacher stopped for a moment,
just after presenting a kickarse workshop on constructivist theory and early
childhood acquisition of academic confidence, to reflect on how far they had
travelled. The teacher thought, ‘I’ve taken a few risks over the past couple
of terms, and I’ve done well in some challenges and not so in others. BUT I am
not too scared to try, to put myself at risk. And you know what? I don’t
question my worth based on how others might view me or how well or badly I do
at stuff. I judge my actions but not myself.’
Unfortunately, the teacher still operated
in an environment where ‘who you are’ and not how competent you might be,
determined a person’s prospects of promotion, their worth to the organisation.
‘I
don’t need their approval (though I may desire it) to know I’m a worthwhile
person and teacher.’
The teacher continued to develop confidence
and capacity to teach and to professionally develop others. A new job
opportunity eventually enticed the teacher away to another position that was
better paid; where competency, knowledge and integrity were valued over
sycophancy and mediocrity.
On the teachers last AA meeting, group
members stood and applauded the teacher who again declared to all that:
‘I
have reached a point where I automatically think in positive, rational ways
that help me deal with challenges successfully. I can deal with disappointment
and criticism in a much healthier way. I am no longer at the mercy of others
approval. I approve of myself.’
NB ‘Love slob’ is a term coined by the creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, Dr. Albert Ellis. Approvalists Anonymous is a made-up term and doesn’t exist.
Giulio is an ED.D.
candidate at the University of South Australia. He is a student counsellor in
the public school system and specialises in Rational Emotive Behaviour
Education. He is also a consultant to schools in counselling-based behaviour
education systems in school. He is the author of two self-published
teacher/counsellor resources; People and Emotions and Have a Go Spaghettio!
both endorsed by Dr. Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour
Therapy. He is a member of the International Committee for The
Advancement of Rational Emotive Education.
