REBTOZ

The narcissist has an approval need receptacle somewhere in their subconscious. It leaks like a sieve it seems, and the more its fed by admiring others, the need to be admired never diminishes, it just intensifies. No matter how much they are adored and revered, too much is never enough. They are constantly in ‘tell me how much you love me' mode .  If we were to suggest a rule that drives this kind of need it might be: ‘I need your approval for me to feel OK about myself.’ Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, created by Albert Ellis, would suggest, that this kind of need is characterised by an attitude of demand , a belief that one must  get what one wants i.e., the approval of others because only then will one feel OK about themselves. This is what Ellis calls ‘musturbatory’ thinking, where the person believes they absolutely  must have the approval of others if they are to feel OK, to have and maintain positive self-worth. This need puts that person at considerab...

Albert Ellis Dr Debbie Joffe Ellis agreed to answer a few questions about her mission to keep the work and legacy of her late husband Dr Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy, alive and thriving. She took time out from her busy schedule to answer some questions. Giulio:  Thanks for the chat, Debbie. Could you give us a snapshot of Dr Ellis’ childhood? Debbie:  His childhood contained a number of challenges. He suffered from various serious and painful conditions, including nephritis and migraines, from infancy onward. Al made a conscious decision that he didn’t want to feel so very sad, hence he found ways to distract himself from the deep sadness such as reading books in the hospital’s children’s library, making up games to play with children in the ward, talking with their visitors, and daydreaming about his baseball heroes and about what he wanted to do when he grew up. Al was 3 years of age when he taught himself to read with the help of his 5-year-ol...

Roger Bent was an aspirational type who worked out early what he wanted and aimed to become what he imagined he could be. He was not particularly gifted in any significant way but he had a brimming reservoir of self-belief that fuelled his trajectory to his goal of greatness. He was besotted with himself and his narcissistic desires, and his wants and needs took precedence over those of others, who were useful only as far as that they could help him onwards and upwards. 'The only thing worse than ignorance is arrogance.' Albert Einstein He was a classroom teacher for a while and he tolerated the discomfort and ignominy of sitting on what he thought was the bottom rung of the corporate ladder. This was a temporary situation as he worked out the lie of the land, and how best he would use those around him to get what he wanted. He made strategic connections with significant others, saying the right thing to the right people at the right time, making personal and professional a...

Seven-year-old Eabha (Ava) came by my office. She would occasionally drop in to tell me one of her stories or to sing me a song, but she seemed preoccupied and wasn’t her usual bubbly self. She played with a fidget she found in the toy box and after a short while, without looking in my direction said, ‘my dad has moved out and my mum has been crying a lot.’ She continued to play with the fidget. ‘Things were not right!’ Eabha stopped playing and then she came and sat down opposite me, settled in her seat, and grabbed a teddy that was nearby. Her eyes betrayed how she was feeling, and I wondered how a seven-year-old processes such a traumatic episode unfolding before her and around her and within her. I asked her how she was feeling, and she lowered her eyes and said, ‘When my mum told me that dad was leaving my brain felt sad and then I cried.’ I asked what she meant when she said that her brain felt sad. She said that she was thinking about why this happened and if her mum and...

‘Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. . .. They justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves.’ T.S. Elliott The imagined side eyes and murmurings noticed in passing and the alleged corridor conversations fed the managers  paranoia that people were undermining his authority.  ‘There’s a conspiracy afoot! They must not do this to me it’s just not fair,’  he thought. He reflected on the demands he made of staff, seemingly all heaped upon them at once that he told himself had nothing to do with his lack of organisation or paucity of leadership skills, but more to do with the system. Yes, it was the system letting everyone down. How could it be his fault? And then there were his offsiders who were green around the gills and wasn’t he trying to get them up to speed, to develop their leadership capacities?  ‘No, it’s not me he thought.’  He would not dare to even contemplate t...

The setup The teacher target became aware that things were different, that something was afoot, and she felt a sense of foreboding. A competent teacher was about to be systematically attacked by the people who were up to this point considered colleagues, friends. She started to feel isolated. She’d go to the staffroom and sit next to someone who would move when the principal came into the room. They were under instruction not to engage with their colleague as this would be seen to be siding with the ‘miscreant.’ 'She started hearing negative things about her being circulated among the staff and other teachers soon began ignoring her in the staffroom' Someone had concocted a ‘problem’ regarding a person on the staff which had to be ‘dealt’ with. Of course, such a problem was affecting the morale of staff etc. etc.  and had to be 'nipped in the bud.' The principal and her acolytes actioned their plan. The school principal asserted that: ‘Serious claims by others h...

  Written by a past member of Approvalists Anonymous (AA) , a support group for those who are at risk of becoming ‘love slobs.’ An REBT perspective (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) on this debilitating psychological impediment to happiness and success. ‘I need to be needed. (Oh no you don’t!)’ ‘It’s been two weeks since I sat and stewed about how an insignificant other esteems me,’ proclaimed the primary school teacher to the others in the group. Everyone nodded their approval of the reforming approvalist before them, and their fortitude grew as the teacher expounded their newfound belief; ‘what I think of me is more important than how you might assess my personhood.’ ‘Bravo!’ They exclaimed in unison as the AA member added, ‘what you think of me is none of my business!’ As the AA member emerged from the meeting into the cool autumn night, they thought, ‘I approve of me, and I’m OK no matter what!’ To break a habit of a lifetime is no easy task. There are a few step...