Sofia's Progress

Thanks to Dr. Albert Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance we have helped Sofia understand the relationship between thinking, feeling and behaving. She understands that beliefs like, ‘someone I like should like me,’ ‘I need her approval to be worthwhile,’ ‘I am worthless,’ are self defeating because they cause undue sadness, anger and depression, which get in the way of her achieving her goals. These beliefs can be challenged and disproved with evidence.

Dr. Ellis invites us to ‘cherchez le should, cherchez le must’ as we did with Sofia. We determined that Sofia’s sadness and anxiety was caused by her ‘shoulding’ i.e. ‘she should like me. I should get what I want.’ We challenged these self-defeating shoulds and replaced them with self – helpful ‘preferences’ i.e. ‘I would prefer to get what I want but I accept this will not always be so.’

Let’s look at the components of Sofia’s journey so far according to Ellis’ ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance.

A= Activating event (the issue, what happened). In Sofia’s case the issue is ‘She ignores me.’

B= Beliefs. Sofia believed that she could only be happy if she won her classmates approval. Irrationally she believed that she needed her classmates’ approval to be worthwhile and she should like her. She believed she was worthless because she could not win her approval and this was so awful that she couldn’t stand it.

C= Emotional and behavioural Consequences of A. Sofia felt depressed and anxious (She needed someone’s approval which she believed she must get to feel worthwhile). These feelings were strong (7 – 9 on the Emotional Thermometer)

In Sofia’s story she believed that someone else (her classmate) caused her sadness. She was preoccupied with thoughts like, ‘she should like me, I need her to like me’ etc. According to Ellis’ model Sofia was apportioning blame to someone or something i.e. C is made by A and I can only feel better if A is changed. According to this logic Sofia would like the world to be modified or changed according to her wishes. Can we make Sofia’s classmate like her? Of course we can’t! So it then becomes a matter for Sofia to consider the situation realistically i.e. ‘my classmate ignores me. I am disappointed she doesn’t seem to want my friendship and I accept that. It is not a catastrophe. My worth does not depend on her approval of me. I accept myself.’ In so doing Sofia begins to understand that A does not make C but rather A+B makes C (my beliefs/thinking play a key role in how I feel and behave).

In ‘The Practice of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy’ by Dr Albert Ellis and Windy Dryden intellectual insight in REBT is defined as:

‘an acknowledgement that an irrational belief frequently leads to emotional disturbance and dysfunctional behaviour and that a rational belief always abets emotional health.’

It can be said that Sofia has attained Intellectual Insight, that is she understands and accepts the premise that A + B makes C and not solely A, the activating event. For Sofia her journey towards sustained emotional and behavioural well-being has just begun and will be work in progress for the rest of her life. Dr. Ellis says that Sofia will continue to develop herself to the point of achieving Emotional Insight, which in REBT is defined as:

‘a strong and frequently held belief that a rational idea is helpful (Ellis, 1963). When a person has achieved Emotional Insight he or she will tend to THINK, FEEL and BEHAVE according to the rational belief.’

We have looked at A, B and C of Dr Ellis’ Theory of Emotional Disturbance but now it is timely to consider D and E in relation to Sofia’s personal development.

D = Disputation of irrational beliefs, the rigorous challenging of ingrained and well practiced unhelpful habits of thinking that undermine our confidence and ability to function in a healthy way. Dr. Ellis would encourage his students to, ‘work, work, work’ at challenging and changing those beliefs that were harmful and self-defeating. So how is D used to help Sofia on her onward journey to Emotional Insight? Sofia believed she needed the approval of her classmate to feel worthwhile. Thinking she must have the approval of someone she liked, was causing her anxiety and deep sadness because her sense of wellbeing depended so much on how a significant other viewed her. What others thought about Sofia mattered more than what Sofia thought about herself and this placed her in a very vulnerable position. She would continue to be at the mercy of significant others for her sense of well-being and happiness unless she learned how to unconditionally accept herself. Dr. Ellis’ Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA) would rid Sofia of the need to be approved of by others and hence become more confident and self reliant.

I spoke to Sofia about the damage that can be caused by believing that it is ‘absolutely necessary to have the approval of people we like and if not we cannot be happy and that we must be liked by them or it is awful and we cannot stand it!’ Sofia could relate to this unrealistic demand she made of herself and she asked where it came from, ‘why do I think like this?’ REBT theory says that we are born with the tendency to think rationally and irrationally. The environment in which we are raised is a strong determinant of our patterns of thinking and behaving. I explained to Sofia that she had learned some unhelpful rules from the environment in which she was/is raised. I explained that the idea that we can ‘be’ good or ‘be’ bad is a faulty way of thinking (Dr Ellis cautioned us about retaining the self defeating belief in ‘being’ good and bad). I had talked to Sofia before about USA (Unconditional Self Acceptance), the belief that we are made up of many different traits and capabilities and this being the case it is impossible to ‘be’ good or bad. In other words being good would mean a person has no bad traits or negative characteristics at all, a proposition that can be challenged. Conversely being bad would mean a person could have no positive traits or positive characteristics, which again can be challenged. I suggested that she would possibly have been told what a good girl she was whenever she did something ‘good’ like completing a task or using her manners etc. Logically Sofia may have determined that if she ‘is good’ when she ‘does good’ then it follows that she must ‘be bad’ when she ‘does bad!’ So Dr Ellis invites us to view ourselves as being neither good nor bad but worthwhile (I accept myself warts and all).

Sofia and I talked about how it would be to believe that our worth did not depend on how others viewed us. How more confident would we be knowing that another’s rejection of us could never take away our worth? I asked Sofia how much a $50 note was worth. She said it could buy certain things and this was proof of its $50 value. I agreed and then asked Sofia to scrunch the note as tightly as she could. She thought this was an odd request but she humored me and proceeded anyway. I then asked her to stand on the note and she did. I asked her to unfurl the note as it was very wrinkled and twisted. It was intact but was not as smooth as it had been and I asked Sofia what it was worth. She said it retained its worth of $50 and that it had not changed. I suggested that our worth could be viewed similarly in that even when we are ‘wrinkled and twisted and battered and bruised’ our worth is never diminished i.e. we can be criticized, rejected and even fail at some things but we retain the worth we already had, we are worthwhile no matter what. Sofia understood this and found it a useful illustration of what we had been talking about. She said she would remind herself often and with conviction that she was always worthwhile no matter what and she would unconditionally accept herself. Dr. Ellis would have been most pleased to know that Sofia had made so much progress in her journey towards Unconditional Self Acceptance which would allow her to achieve her goals to live with less (unhealthy) anxiety and extreme sadness and with more healthy concern and regret. Dr Ellis says:

"To help people gain unconditional self-acceptance and to believe that they are okay or are good just because they exist had better be taught to all children in the course of their schooling, from early childhood onward."

For Sofia to achieve Emotional Insight it is essential that her school has the capacity to further Sofia’s development throughout her education. How can this be done? What can schools do?

Sofia's Story

Sofia was new to the country and was vivacious and good humoured. She was an enthusiastic student, who worked hard at her studies and had a wide circle of friends. She had a ready smile and a caring nature, sensitive to the needs of others, a delight to teach.

On many occasions she would accompany me on yard duty and we would talk about things and inevitably the topic of discussion would turn to friendships and her concern about a particular student who did not seem to like her. This student would generally ignore her and chose not to associate with her in the classroom or in the yard. Sofia would become tearful and I would ask why she felt so sad. She said that she didn’t understand why this student didn’t seem to want to be her friend as ‘everyone else liked me, why doesn’t she?’ On another occasion Sofia said she wasn’t happy because this student wasn’t her friend and she would say ‘she makes me sad.’ As an REBTer (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy counsellor) I used some of the strategies I learned from Dr. Albert Ellis (creator of REBT). According to Ellis Sofia was ‘musturbating,’ that is believing that her fellow student ‘must’ like her and that it was so awful (awfulising) that she couldn’t stand it. To add to her sadness Sofia believed that there must be something wrong with her! There must be something about her that the other student didn’t like and that this was all Sofia’s fault!

And so our discussions began to take on a philosophical note. I asked Sofia how this other person ‘made’ her sad. Sofia said that she ‘should’ be my friend and if she was then she could be happy. So I said, ‘you feel sad because she won’t be your friend and that you can only be happy if she becomes your friend.’ Sofia agreed that this was so and this became the basis of our further talks. We talked about a ‘perfect world’ and what that meant. We agreed that it would be nice if everyone we liked liked us in return and that everything we wanted to achieve we achieved. We talked about perfectionism and how it was unrealistic to expect that everything should go our way all the time. We can work hard to get an A+ and fall short, we can try to make friends with others we like but we may not always meet their approval. This is the way the world works. Sofia agreed and could see the wisdom of what we were talking about. So we returned to what Sofia believed, what her philosophy about herself, others and the world was. Sofia understood that her unrealistic oughting, shoulding and musting were making her sadness (‘she should like me’, ‘I must get her approval’, ‘she is bad because she won’t be my friend’, ‘I am unlikeable, I can’t stand this and it’s awful’). This insight was the turning point for Sofia, as she understood that her desire for a perfect world was an unrealistic expectation. I asked her, ‘must other people you like always like you in return?’ ‘Is it awful when you don’t get an A+ for your assignments even when you tried your best?’ ‘Are others bad if they don’t approve of you or like you?’ ‘Are you an unlikeable no good person because she doesn’t approve of you?’ Sofia answered with a resounding ‘NO!’

So we talked about helpful, rational thinking that would be healthier. I asked Sofia to challenge and change some of the errant beliefs she held to be true.

I said, ‘must you always do well and achieve your goals.’ Sofia said, ‘No. It is better to believe that, ‘I will work hard to achieve my goals. I would like to achieve my goals but I don’t always have to.’ Why is this better?’ I asked. ‘It is not realistic to always get what you want. That is not how the world works!’ she said. She added that she would keep trying anyway.

What about the belief that, ‘people you like must like you in return and always approve of you?’ Sofia said, ‘this is not realistic either. People don’t have to like me. They can make their own choices.’

What about the belief, ‘you are unlikeable; you have nothing to like. You are a nerd.’ Sofia said, ‘this is not true. I have other friends. I have many positive qualities so I can’t be worthless or unlikeable!’

So it transpired that Sofia became more comfortable with herself and the world and she could now accommodate and accept that her fellow student did not want to be her friend, that it was OK, that it was disappointing but not awful and she was still OK. She didn’t need her approval at all!

Dr Ellis would say that Sofia’s errant, irrational ‘musturbatory’ philosophical beliefs have been challenged and modified to become more rational (self and other helpful). Thus Sofia is not unhealthily anxious, angry or depressed (unhealthy negative emotions) because she hasn’t got what she wants (to have her fellow class member as a friend). She now tends to be healthily concerned and disappointed (healthy negative emotions) as she would have preferred (and not demanded) to have the friendship and approval of her classmate.

Sofia continued to make progress but she would need the support of her teachers and mentors to reinforce the insights she has made so that she would move beyond intellectual insight onto emotional insight. We will discuss these ideas and more in my next blog entry about Sofia’s progress.

useful links: www.haveagospaghettio.com.au www.debbiejoffeellis.com http://www.rebtresources.info/

REBT and Constructivism

Constructivist theory says we learn to behave according to what we observe going on around us. Our models of behaviour show us how to get what we want, how to respond to situations and how we can interact with others. If these models are helpful they will teach us that we can wait for things if we have to, that we can respect others (even when we don’t wish to associate with them) and we can remain confident even when we fail at something or suffer the rejection of others. If we live amongst such role models we will internalize (construct) some very useful ‘rules for living.’

Conversely if those around us show low frustration tolerance, who may get what they want through aggression and who take failure and rejection to heart then we are likely to internalise a different set of ‘rules for living.’

Such habits of thinking and behaving (helpful or unhelpful) will determine how successful or not we may be in achieving our goals in life. According to Dr Albert Ellis we can deconstruct those unhelpful ‘habits of thinking’ with a lot of hard work.

For example a person who has learned (believes) that his or her worth is measured according to how well he/she does or how others regard him/her will often experience unhelpful, self destructive feelings such as anger and depression or feel highly anxious a lot of the time. What philosophical ideas lay behind these feelings? What would motivate a person to harm self or others in a pique of anger? Why would a person tend to defer to others in the hope of obtaining, sustaining a ‘must have’ relationship (I need to be liked)?

At my school I observe those who go along with others, who don’t seem to offer any opinion or ideas. Some will give things away to ‘buy’ friendship and others are easily ‘bought’ under the threat of exclusion or dismissal. Others would handle things differently, they don’t seem to be easily intimidated by others and accept that it’s OK when others may not regard them as friends. For these people rejection can be hurtful and disappointing but rarely is it a catastrophe or so awful that it will ‘ruin their lives!’

Dr. Albert Ellis created the ABC Theory of Emotional (and behavioural) Disturbance used by counsellors and therapists the world over. This therapy embraces the ‘wisdom of the ages’ like that of Epictetus in 100AD who observed that ‘events and people don’t make us feel and act as we do but it is the view we take of them.’ Or Buddha who said, ‘what we think we become.’ Many other learned people have made similar assertions over the millennia.

Ellis’ ABC Theory allows us to work with people who have constructed unhealthy and destructive philosophies that cause anger, anxiety and depression in their lives. In doing so he has helped millions of people learn how to better manage themselves behaviourally and emotionally, people who may believe that feelings and behaviour are ‘made’ by other people and other things. Take the case of Sofia, a 12-year-old primary school student from Africa (see the next blog).

For more information about Dr Albert Ellis and REBT visit http://www.rebtresources.info/index.php www.debbiejoffeellis.com www.rebtnetwork.org

NEWSFLASH! Workshop titled REBT Theory and Practice to be held in Adelaide, September 24th. Dr. Debbie Joffe Ellis will be co presenting. Don't miss this PD opportunity. Please visit: http://www.psychology.org.au/Events/EventView.aspx?ID=6548 for more details.

Adelaide REBT Workshop Success

Another workshop is scheduled for September due to the very positive response of participants to the April workshop held at the Education Development Centre in Hindmarsh. People from various organisations attended and reported a strong satisfaction in the balance of theory and practical application of REBT. The group responded very positively to Dr. Debbie Joffe Ellis' demonstration of REBT using volunteers from the audience. People witnessed the very skillful way that Dr. Debbie listened reflectfully to her client, identified the core issues of concern and quickly honed in on the self defeating philosophical beliefs that were causing her clients emotional and behavioural problems. Her demonstration clearly illustrated the efficiency of Dr Albert Ellis' ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance when applied skillfully and firmly. Participants witnessed how the client volunteer was encouraged to identify and confront the underlying irrational beliefs that caused and maintained their emotional ill health. Dr. Albert Ellis wanted to help people help themselves to get better sooner rather than later, 'parsing out' their irrational thinking and challenging their errant philsophical beliefs about themselves, other people and the world. Dr. Albert Ellis' reknowned Friday night workshops held at his beloved Albert Elllis Institute were very popular, where people could drop by for a coffee, a biscuit and a dose of 'the gospel according to St. Albert.' Dr. Debbie continues his legacy of sound teaching and therapy practice.

The September workshop will again offer mental health practitioners, educators and other interested people the opportunity to learn more about the life and times of Dr. Albert Ellis and his revolutionary and spectacularly successfull REBT - the first of all cognitive therapies. Dr. Debbie will be able to update us on the latest news and REBT developments and will again demonstrate the application of REBT in practice. If you want more information visit http://www.psychology.org.au/Events/EventView.aspx?ID=6548 on the Australian Psychological Society website.

Look out for ALL OUT! Dr. Albert Ellis' autobiography due for release very soon. It promises to be a very interesting and controversial read. Publisher: Prometheus Books.

REBT and Bullying

Recent research by Giulio Bortolozzo and Dr. Ken Rigby has shown that low self worth is associated with a tendency to be victimised. Dr. Ellis' Unconditional Self Acceptance (USA) helps individuals understand that others’ views of them don't define who they are. These individuals understand that rejection and failure cannot diminish their worth - they can be rejected but can never be a reject, they can fail but are never a failure. The research also shows that bullies tend not to accept others. They may view others who are different as being losers or nerds and decide it's ok to bully them because they are not 'normal'. Ellis calls this Conditional Other Acceptance (COA). The research establishes that there is a relationship between how people view themselves and others and bully and victim behaviour.

Ellis invites educators to teach the self-helpful rational beliefs of Unconditional Self/Other Acceptance. If children develop (construct) the belief that they are only worthwhile when they are approved by significant others then they will be vulnerable to the negative opinions of others. If children construct a belief that others are OK only when they satisfy certain conditions e.g. look a certain way, behave a certain way they may tend to bully others.

These irrational beliefs can be challenged and children can 'unlearn' the harmful ideas that underpin how they behave (victim or bully). This can be done by applying REBT principles via all school processes and practices, through BEHAVIOUR EDUCATION.

Harmful, irrational ideas undermine our capacity to make healthy decisions and to manage unhealthy negative emotions like anger and anxiety. Dr. Rigby recently made the point that whilst bullying remains a major concern in schools and beyond we would be wise not to believe that it's out of control and to think that a punitive approach would solve the problem. In fact, there is now reliable evidence that (i) the prevalence of bullying in schools is becoming less frequent and (ii) well-evaluated interventions have demonstrated that some programs have led to significant reductions in peer victimisation. Irrational and unsubstantiated claims to the contrary can prevent the adoption of such programs. These are examined in detail in Ken Rigby's new book: 'Bullying Interventions: Six Basic Approaches'. Melbourne, ACER, 2010.

The poem below by Giulio Bortolozzo was inspired by Ellis' ideas of Unconditional Acceptance of Self and Others.

Bully for You

Do you think you have nothing to offer?
Use self-talk which is negative and untrue
And you don’t think you amount to much?
Then I have just the thing for you!

Bully for you, bully for you
I have a bully for you!

I look for people to victimise
My admiring buddies think I’m great
I like to see fear in your eyes
You deserve to suffer mate!

Bully for you, bully for you
I’m the bully for you.

I will persist, never let up
I don’t consider how you feel
My life’s work is to see you suffer
You don’t matter; you’re no big deal

Bully for you, bully for you
I’m the bully for you!

We control our thoughts
We are what we perceive
We can choose to be powerless victims
Until we change what we believe

Victim for you, victim for you
Will I be the victim for you?

I’m a worthwhile person
I have qualities unique to me
We are all different from each other
That makes us the same you see?

No, I will not allow you to bully
You don’t have my permission you see
I will not be your sporting obsession
You are not the bully for me!

Bully for me, bully for me.
You are not the bully for me.

The cloak of silence
Is the bully’s best friend
So speak out, everybody!
It’s the cloak that’s specially tailored
For you and for me!

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy Workshop Adelaide April 16th

An REBT workshop is scheduled for Adelaide which will be of interest to anyone working in the mental health/education fields. Guest speaker Dr. Debbie Joffe Ellis will be coming from New York to share her expertise and experience as an REBT therapist and to talk to us about the pioneering work of her late husband Dr. Albert Ellis who created Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. We will look at practical ways of applying Dr. Ellis' ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance in addressing issues such as anger, anxiety and depression. We will also look at ways in which REBT can be applied in the school setting as an educative, restorative practice through BEHAVIOUR EDUCATION. This workshop will explore the theory and principles of REBT in an interactive and practical way . Learn about MUSTURBATORY thinking/behaviour, awfulising and the greatest sickness known to humankind 'self esteem!' Learn how to help ourselves and others to be better managers of our feelings and behaviour so that we can pursue and achieve our goals in life.

We will also consider the findings of the latest research of Dr. Ken Rigby (Uni SA) and Giulio Bortolozzo on bullying in schools that demonstrate how REBT can be a powerful anti bullying, resilience building tool in the school setting.

The workshop is at the Education Development Centre in Hindmarsh South Australia on April 16th. Lunch and refreshments are included in the cost. Please e mail lozzog@gmail.com if you are interested.

This workshop is dedicated to the creator of REBT, Dr. Albert Ellis Ph.D. who said ...

‘Life has inevitable suffering as well as pleasure. By realistically thinking, feeling and acting to enjoy what you can, and unangrily and unwhiningly accepting painful aspects that cannot be changed - you open yourself to much joy".

Behaviour Education in Schools

We don't get upset but rather we make ourselves upset because of the way we think about (our philosophical views) ourselves, others and the world. Epictetus said in 100 AD that events don't make us feel and act as we do but it is the way we think of them that drives how strong we feel and the actions we take.' Did he 'make me mad' beacuse he wouldn't let me join in the game or did I make myself mad beacuse I believe 'he should have' let me join in and he didn't? Dr. Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy embraces Epictetus' wisdom and through his ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance Ellis has provided us with the tools to help us understand how we can make ourselves upset and how we can better manage our self inflicted disturbances.

Dr. Albert Ellis strongly encourages us to apply the theory and practice of REBT in the school setting so that students can learn to manage themselves emotionally and behaviourally more successfully. Dr. Ellis encourages the layperson (parents, teachers, counsellors) to learn howto help themselves achieve social/emotional and behavioural well being by understanding his ABC Theory of Emotional Disturbance and applying it to themselves and using it to help others. His ABC theory was created to help people who were struggling with issues of mental health in a curative setting (counselling, psychotherapy) but he also understood from the outset its potential in terms of preventative, educative applications. 

Dr. Ellis would be happy to know that since his death in July 2007 a lot of work has been done to continue his legacy. His wife, Dr. Debbie Joffe Ellis is busy proofreading Ellis' autobiography to be published in July this year. She is the guest presenter at a workshop in Adelaide on April 16th this year at the Education Development Centre in Hindmarsh.

Dr. William Knaus is organising a number of books to be published in the Legacy Book Series dedicated the life and work of the late Dr. Ellis (www.rebtnetwork.org). Since the 1970's he has written REE (Rational Emotive Education) materials for schools and you can download a free teaching REE resource from the above website.

The author of this post is busy helping schools apply the principles and practices of REBT in schools across all curriculum areas, so that preventative mental health is embedded in policy and daily school practices. Dr Ellis was an enthusiastic supporter of my work up until his passing in 2007. There will be more about this in future posts.

REBT offers teachers and counsellors the means with which to help students learn how to less seriously disturb themselves so that they will be less likely to suffer the bebilitating effects of anxiety, anger and depression.